Sunday, August 13, 2017
It's been a long time since I've posted. Over the past almost two years I have struggled with a health problem. The first five doctors I saw didn't believe me when I told them my problem and said I needed to go to therapy to talk out my repressed sexual issues. 🙄
The fifth Doctor finally did believe me and sent me to my sixth Doctor who diagnosed me with pudendal neuralgia in November 2016, nearly a full year after my symptoms first manfested. Pudendal neuralgia is a pinching of the pudendal nerve which is the central nerve to the pelvis and controls functions of everything that is in that vicinity. This includes pain and unwanted sensation in the genitals. This is the symptom I experience the most and which the first five doctors wrote off and which kept me from being more avid in seeking an answer because in our cultural anything relating to that area is considered near taboo. Even the name, "pudendal" means "shame" in Latin. I now take 1100mg of Gabapentin and 50mg of neurotrypteline everyday along with standing or reclining all day with limited sitting and that can only be done with a cushion that I have with me at all times. My doctor also forbade me from running, biking, and most forms of exercise. This has resulted in many bad habits such as overeating to return. I have gained back 26.5lbs of what I lost. This has been a severe blow to my self esteem and has wreaked havoc with my anxiety and intermittent depression.
Last July though I made a decision to join a gym that is down the street from my workplace. They have a pool which was the primary selling point for me since it is one of the few exercises I have been given the go ahead on. I have also worked with a personal trainer who has helped me develop a weight training program that is best for me and my physical limitation. I'm also exploring low impact workouts again to see what I can do.
There are bad days of course that send me into despair and for the first time want me to self harm (I have a support system who has helped me every step of the way which has prevented me from actually following through from this). Those occur primarily as a PMS and period issue. I also have a deep seated fear that something I do could make it worse and undo the progress I have made.
The prognosis of this issue is up in the air. It could get better and it could get worse. We don't know why my PN occurred. But it is my hope that awareness and research of this issue will continue in the future. We should never feel shame over our bodies. They are our vessels to the world.
If you are experiencing what may be PN be your best advocate and do not stop. I encourage everyone to research this issue and spread body acceptance of all parts of our bodies especially the ones which we have been taught are shameful.