Where does the time go?
Thursday, July 06, 2017
I can honestly say that when I was my healthiest, I was also as mindful of every moment as I have ever been. I was living in the moment and taking advantage of the time around me. That is not so much true right now. Yesterday I had a complete meltdown. It was painful to experience but definitely necessary.
For the past couple of months I have been trying to get back on track to kill some candida that has gotten back into my body and to eat the foods my body needs. Some days were good, some days were bad, but I was trying. Then I started working with a nutritionist and allergist and my food options got much smaller. I was overwhelmed and feeling deprived which meant I just stopped eating which is not healthy. It was a vicious cycle. Then I went on vacation...actually spent a week visiting my family and friends back in my home town. It was a great trip and just what I needed, but I still found myself binge eating junk food and hiding food. It was not good.
I get back from vacation and things are alright for a week but life is just messy. I had started dating, and of course picked the wrong guys which just added to my stress. And then I got sick. I hate being sick and being sick in Arizona in the summer is just about the worst thing ever. I am pretty sure it was a kidney stone, or more, and an infection. I got on antibiotics right away but spent four days battling the fever, chills, and pain associated with those issues. It was terrible. And I'm on my own so it was also lonely.
Yesterday I had reached my limit. I had a total breakdown. I was crying. My depression and anxiety came back full force, which has not happened in awhile. It was horrible.
So today is a new day, right? I'm at work but hardly staying focused. I am still really tired and worn out from being sick. And I am just in a bad head space. I have called it "being stuck in my head" in the past. It means my thoughts are messed up with my depression and I get angry or sad quickly and my focus is bad. I am not sure how to "snap" out of it this time either. I had hoped that I would be feeling better after vacation but that has not been the case.
I have learned over the years though that I do better when I am sharing the truth with other people and you are the lucky other people.It does help me to think through my thoughts as I write them out and not to keep it all inside.
Today I will try and be as productive as possible and then I will go home and rest. That is all I am promising today.