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Day 1 of 101 days to...

Thursday, June 15, 2017

understand how to transform and to be who I finally wanna be.

So, all my life I've been this girl (someone's daughter or sister), young lady (someone's niece), woman (girlfriend to present wife), and of course my children's mother. Over the years of dieting and exercising, and trying to find myself in this world I've known to be... I struggle to balance my life; because I don't feel as if I had one to balance.

It's been 20 years of diets and exercising. And let's not forget the fads, and the guru's I've followed just to get this thing right. There are nights when I've tossed all rules to the side and ate the world. And then there are days when I restricted so hard--that I woke up with a damn headache in the middle of the night from starvation. I'm always depriving myself of something, rather it's time, sleep, or just plan ole me time. I never really give myself those things; because somewhere in the translation to transform into the woman I was meant to be... I never truly develop the me I wanted to be.

Mother at 16, wife at 19, and divorced at 23 mother to 3, and here I am at freaking 33 going on 34 --during 2011 remarried again. What the hell was I thinking? I never had the time to translate who I really and truly wanted to be. I've always admired, Ms. Eartha Kitt. She didn't know who she was or much about her background. She was unsure of who her mother was and who her father was, and for her to be a child of a slave and former slave owner made life not challenging, but a challenge to live on the edge of it.

I followed her life and career along with several others whom I've admired, and I thought to myself. There's more to this issue I call weight gain mistranslation. And there is more to me; there's more to the people I spend time with. They have gone on with their happy lives as wives, becoming unmarried, untamed, and untied down to the demands of these worlds we call our lives and homes.

My dearest friend is married and untied down. Emotionally, physically, and spiritually, she has done all she can do to make her marriage work, and I asked my friend. What changed? She turns to me and says. { I'm a mother, a grandmother, and I have lived my best years taking care of them, and I'm going to live my final years taking care of me. I've done my job, but my final work must be on me.} And I like to mention I have the best God given sister in the world.
She's never advised me wrong, and when she's answerless she says, "you must pray about it, Lindsay."

I've looked this 39 soon to be 40 body of mine over. And as I looked this body over, I realized that I've been making lessons, I can't call these lessons mistakes. I learned so much from these lessons, and finally I learned something from my weight gains.

My friend Dianne told me to live without apologies. Why are you apologizing for being over weight? Damn, why am I? I never noticed it, but I do. I noticed when I'm at my heaviest I am my worst enemy and I don't have to find anyone to beat me up. I do a pretty good job of it by myself. I tell myself I'm ugly, and I don't believe I'm pretty, but I can be as pretty as a model in my mind.

So, I decided to become the best version of the "ME". I've always wanted to be minus 60 pounds of heartache, 240 pounds of brokenness and unconditional nothing, and 435 pounds of children where's my momma drama. I'm here to change me, and to become the lady who had it before the drama came full hurt, pain, and fat drama.

I'm here for the long haul with 100 more days to go.

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  • -POOKIE-
    Wonderful to see you. And looking forward to the journey with you to find you *hugs*
    1398 days ago
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