Dressing Room Interventions
Sunday, June 04, 2017
We've all been there, standing in a dressing room, looking in the mirror and saying to yourself "UGH, how did THIS happen!?" Looking at your reflection with furrowed brows and frowns. Turning from side to side and taking inventory of every flaw. "Look at that muffin top, that roll wasn't there before, good lord, look at all that cottage cheese. EW!"
It's not a foreign feeling for me, struggling with my weight over the course of my 36 years I've been here more times than I care to count. Today I was in an Old Navy dressing room. They were having a sale on, well just about everything, so I decided with summer in full effect here in the Arizona desert I'd take advantage and get myself some shorts. In that dressing room it felt like deja vu. A familiar place, and a shameful place. Lots of old feelings coming back from my past to the forefront of my mind.
I clearly have been avoiding dressing rooms for a while, and specifically buying pants/shorts (that weren't stretchy). The scale over the last 2 and a half years has crept up on me, and I have been in denial about just how much those 20lbs have altered my appearance. I can certainly feel it on a happiness and physical level when I look in the mirror and at old pictures, but today was a BIG eye opener.
The last time I purchased pants or shorts at Old Navy I was in a size 4. Today I had to buy a size 10. I know people will probably read this and think "I wish I was a size 10," and believe me when I was a size 18 I would have said the same thing, I've been there too. I think no matter what your size, when your faced with the fact that you've increased three whole sizes (which equates to another 3-4 inches on your waist) it's a kick to the gut.
I ask myself "how did I get back here?" Well, its a long list of excuses. Excuses I need to stop making. In my past life, I blamed my weight gain on general unhappiness and apathy. I was in a horrible place mentally and emotionally due to an abusive marriage. I had zero self-worth and pretty much just gave up, piling on almost 100lbs. I look at my life today, and that's certainly not the case anymore so what gives? I have a wonderful man in my life, 3 fluffy boxers I adore, a successful career... I feel fulfilled. Are these happy pounds?? And why can't I get my butt in gear??
I've been doing 'okay' lately, certainly not stellar and not what I need to be doing (clearly). During the week with meal planning and prepping I do pretty well on the diet front. The weekends and not hitting the gym though are KILLING me and any potential progress, and that became very clear to me today. It saddens me after all my hard work and losing over 90 pounds I'm back in this place, maybe not exactly the same place - but today was a wake up call!
I find myself reflecting on what I did before, and what I'm doing now, and there are some very distinct differences.
I'm not consistently tracking what I eat
I'm attending too many happy hours
I'm not working out in any respect
I'm indulging and making excuses about 'convenience' and 'special occasions' far too often
I'm not taking care of myself
I'm not being consistent
I'm not motivating myself
So what now? I can acknowledge the why and the how I got here, so what's the game plan? What am I going to do about it? I'm tired of being stuck in this 145-150lb flux range, need to get my butt in gear and find that happy place again.
For starters I'm going to stop making excuses, and climb out of my state of denial. I need to face reality and stop ignoring the obvious. I'm going to start drinking more water and less alcohol and sugary drinks. I'm going to do better at logging what I eat. I'm going to get my squishy-tushy back in the gym and stop making excuses about "not having enough time." I'm going to plan better for social events, and 'just 'say no' to sweets, excess carbs, and processed foods. I'm going to stop being so hard on myself about the 20 pound gain - and stop looking at pictures from my size 4 days and beating myself up. It's time to pony up, face thee music and move forward. So here goes nothing :)