my daily five... and da funk
Thursday, June 01, 2017
Today I really don't want to think about a daily five - which means I must really must NEED to think about it. I really would rather not write anything. I actually kind of hate my body right now.
So here they are:
1. I'm grateful for my lungs. I have never seen them - but they manage to filter in the air I need and do all those wonderful things that lungs do. I have been blessed to have healthy lungs even though I did subject them to smoking for a few years of my life. My lungs also let me know when I need to get my poop in a group on this healthy eating and exercise journey - they huff and puff when I exert myself. So OK lungs I will do better so you don't need to work so hard when I climb those stairs!!!
2. My toes - ok here I have to kind of say eeeuw. I don't really Like my toes. They are not pretty. They are kind of crooked and some of them kind of lay on their sides. My little toes always get hung up on the straps of sandals. However, they help me balance myself and also help me get a tiny bit taller when I am trying to reach those things on the top shelf. Yep, they may not be beautiful like those foot model's toes - but they do their job - and I must say my toenails are pretty nice!
3. Not sure where to put this or what to call it - but I like the fact that my body is kind of like a self cleaning oven. No it doesn't clean itself on the outside - but it does clean itself on the inside. It even heals itself. Think about it - I cut my skin or bruise myself and my body fixes it from the inside out. I sure wish my car could do that! Yep - it's simply amazing.
4. I love its flexibility. Now I can't say I am very flexible - but I know for a fact if I work at it, I can be. Right now my flexibility is somewhat limited mainly due to my own neglect. I don't stretch as often as I should. I could benefit from some yoga..... another thing to put on the to do list!
5. My mind - it is inquisitive and imaginative. Sometimes it is a little over zealous and thinks too much! However, it is the mother board that makes me ME!
Funny, just taking the time to come up with that list has lifted my mindset.
I was really in a funk today. It's June 1! I am not where I want to be on this journey. Sometimes I even question IF I am on this journey. If I focus on the numbers, I am failing greatly. It is a struggle not to just throw in the towel and say "I give up."
Yesterday I went to the gym and decided to get into the pool. The Y where I belong has two pools - one is a cooler water pool for lap swimming. The other is a warmer water pool with a lazy river where most of the kids play and it also has a section they use for swim lessons.
I went to the lap pool. I used to be a swimmer. OK, I still AM a swimmer - but I used to be a swimmer who held the state record in the 200m IM. I am not that swimmer anymore. I stood at the edge of the pool. All the lanes were filled with lap swimmers - most of them had more than one lap swimmer in them. I watched their pace to try to figure out which lane to get in and not impede or hold up the others in the lane.
As I stood at the side of the pool, I realized I couldn't get in ANY of the lanes without holding someone up. My eyes began to fill with tears.
I left the lap pool and went over to the other pool. There were lessons in the section that I might have been able to use for lap swimming, even though it is not set up for lap swimming. I got in the lazy river section of the pool and walked around against the current. I sat on the edge and did some exercises with my legs. Eventually, I got out of the pool, made my way to the chair where I had placed my tiny gym towel. I dried off my face and threw the towel over my shoulder. There was no way I could wrap it around my body like some of those small people were doing. I really wanted to hide in a giant beach towel as I walked past the windows to the locker room.
Yep, I was really hating my body at that time. I was hating myself for each and every unhealthy food choice I have made. I was hating myself for letting myself go. Me, the swimmer, can't even do a lap without becoming breathless. I cried for the me that was. I cried for the me that is. I got in my car and felt dejected. This trip to the gym did not go as planned.
When I got home, I started to think. Uhoh.
I remembered when I first started this journey. I remembered when I first tried to walk and thought I'd just go out for a mile walk in my neighborhood. I left the house, walked to the end of the street and up the slight hill to the corner. I was breathless and hurting. I turned for home. I felt bad.
I got on SP and I read someone's blog who had lost a lot of weight. She talked about walking with a walker and how it was a chore to get to her mailbox. She stuck with it. I thought - if she did it, maybe I can.
The next day I tried that walk again. I did it every day, each day trying to add a couple more steps - make the turn and walk to the end of the first house, or to the next driveway. Today I walk a lot. I can walk miles without feeling like I did that first day. My body responded.
Then I thought heck, if I went into the weight pit and tried to lift 100 pounds I wouldn't be able to do that either. That doesn't mean I never will be able to - it just means I am not there yet.
I know if I keep going back to the Y and getting in the pool, my body will respond. Eventually I will be able to find a lane I can swim. Maybe I need to talk to the lifeguard and find out when the pool isn't quite so busy. Maybe I need to ask the person in the slow lane if they would mind putting up with my slower pace or moving to another lane.
I know if I start, I may be breathless on that first lap, but if I keep it up eventually I won't be breathless until that second lap, or third lap.....who knows, maybe I will wake up the slumbering swimmer inside my fat, pudgy body and rediscover my love for swimming. Then again, maybe I will find I no longer like to swim and I need to try other things.
So, like I say, I was in a funk. Writing those daily 5 was a chore - but again, it made me realize my body is OK - Even when I think it is not and I walk the walk of shame to the little kids pool, even when I couldn't hide my body and myself in the postage stamp sized towel.
Chin up Barb. Be proud. You, my dear, have an amazing body. Don't just learn to accept it - learn to love it, learn to respect it! Love and Respect!!!!!
I will close with a quote I stole from one of Brene Brown's blogs - the quote is from Teddy Roosevelt. For all those fellow Sparkers who struggle, myself included....... dare greatly!
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”