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my daily five... and da funk

Thursday, June 01, 2017

Today I really don't want to think about a daily five - which means I must really must NEED to think about it. I really would rather not write anything. I actually kind of hate my body right now.

So here they are:

1. I'm grateful for my lungs. I have never seen them - but they manage to filter in the air I need and do all those wonderful things that lungs do. I have been blessed to have healthy lungs even though I did subject them to smoking for a few years of my life. My lungs also let me know when I need to get my poop in a group on this healthy eating and exercise journey - they huff and puff when I exert myself. So OK lungs I will do better so you don't need to work so hard when I climb those stairs!!!

2. My toes - ok here I have to kind of say eeeuw. I don't really Like my toes. They are not pretty. They are kind of crooked and some of them kind of lay on their sides. My little toes always get hung up on the straps of sandals. However, they help me balance myself and also help me get a tiny bit taller when I am trying to reach those things on the top shelf. Yep, they may not be beautiful like those foot model's toes - but they do their job - and I must say my toenails are pretty nice!

3. Not sure where to put this or what to call it - but I like the fact that my body is kind of like a self cleaning oven. No it doesn't clean itself on the outside - but it does clean itself on the inside. It even heals itself. Think about it - I cut my skin or bruise myself and my body fixes it from the inside out. I sure wish my car could do that! Yep - it's simply amazing.

4. I love its flexibility. Now I can't say I am very flexible - but I know for a fact if I work at it, I can be. Right now my flexibility is somewhat limited mainly due to my own neglect. I don't stretch as often as I should. I could benefit from some yoga..... another thing to put on the to do list!

5. My mind - it is inquisitive and imaginative. Sometimes it is a little over zealous and thinks too much! However, it is the mother board that makes me ME!

Funny, just taking the time to come up with that list has lifted my mindset.

I was really in a funk today. It's June 1! I am not where I want to be on this journey. Sometimes I even question IF I am on this journey. If I focus on the numbers, I am failing greatly. It is a struggle not to just throw in the towel and say "I give up."

Yesterday I went to the gym and decided to get into the pool. The Y where I belong has two pools - one is a cooler water pool for lap swimming. The other is a warmer water pool with a lazy river where most of the kids play and it also has a section they use for swim lessons.

I went to the lap pool. I used to be a swimmer. OK, I still AM a swimmer - but I used to be a swimmer who held the state record in the 200m IM. I am not that swimmer anymore. I stood at the edge of the pool. All the lanes were filled with lap swimmers - most of them had more than one lap swimmer in them. I watched their pace to try to figure out which lane to get in and not impede or hold up the others in the lane.

As I stood at the side of the pool, I realized I couldn't get in ANY of the lanes without holding someone up. My eyes began to fill with tears.

I left the lap pool and went over to the other pool. There were lessons in the section that I might have been able to use for lap swimming, even though it is not set up for lap swimming. I got in the lazy river section of the pool and walked around against the current. I sat on the edge and did some exercises with my legs. Eventually, I got out of the pool, made my way to the chair where I had placed my tiny gym towel. I dried off my face and threw the towel over my shoulder. There was no way I could wrap it around my body like some of those small people were doing. I really wanted to hide in a giant beach towel as I walked past the windows to the locker room.

Yep, I was really hating my body at that time. I was hating myself for each and every unhealthy food choice I have made. I was hating myself for letting myself go. Me, the swimmer, can't even do a lap without becoming breathless. I cried for the me that was. I cried for the me that is. I got in my car and felt dejected. This trip to the gym did not go as planned.

When I got home, I started to think. Uhoh.

I remembered when I first started this journey. I remembered when I first tried to walk and thought I'd just go out for a mile walk in my neighborhood. I left the house, walked to the end of the street and up the slight hill to the corner. I was breathless and hurting. I turned for home. I felt bad.

I got on SP and I read someone's blog who had lost a lot of weight. She talked about walking with a walker and how it was a chore to get to her mailbox. She stuck with it. I thought - if she did it, maybe I can.

The next day I tried that walk again. I did it every day, each day trying to add a couple more steps - make the turn and walk to the end of the first house, or to the next driveway. Today I walk a lot. I can walk miles without feeling like I did that first day. My body responded.

Then I thought heck, if I went into the weight pit and tried to lift 100 pounds I wouldn't be able to do that either. That doesn't mean I never will be able to - it just means I am not there yet.

I know if I keep going back to the Y and getting in the pool, my body will respond. Eventually I will be able to find a lane I can swim. Maybe I need to talk to the lifeguard and find out when the pool isn't quite so busy. Maybe I need to ask the person in the slow lane if they would mind putting up with my slower pace or moving to another lane.

I know if I start, I may be breathless on that first lap, but if I keep it up eventually I won't be breathless until that second lap, or third lap.....who knows, maybe I will wake up the slumbering swimmer inside my fat, pudgy body and rediscover my love for swimming. Then again, maybe I will find I no longer like to swim and I need to try other things.

So, like I say, I was in a funk. Writing those daily 5 was a chore - but again, it made me realize my body is OK - Even when I think it is not and I walk the walk of shame to the little kids pool, even when I couldn't hide my body and myself in the postage stamp sized towel.

Chin up Barb. Be proud. You, my dear, have an amazing body. Don't just learn to accept it - learn to love it, learn to respect it! Love and Respect!!!!!

I will close with a quote I stole from one of Brene Brown's blogs - the quote is from Teddy Roosevelt. For all those fellow Sparkers who struggle, myself included....... dare greatly!

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo CD13423552
    Chin up indeed Barb! Yes, think back to that first walk and how hard it was and now how far you go so easily. Swimming will be the same. Some days it is easier and some days not so much, but we get there! Hang in there! You are still here and still fighting the good fight!
    1483 days ago
  • L*I*T*A*
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    1483 days ago
    One of my personal favorite sayings "I can't do that - YET!". An acknowledgement that I am not where I want to be but also a commitment to keep working at it until I CAN do it. emoticon
    1483 days ago
  • BLUEJAY1969
    We all get in that funk from time to time. Have patience with yourself and keep up the great self pep talks! One thing I noticed is that you always qualify your daily 5 with the things you don't like about your body too. Maybe try making that mean girl hush up while you praise your body for the things it IS and the things it CAN do?? I myself am not a "foot" person - meaning I don't think feet are attractive in particular. However I do take good care of my feet (now) as they take good care of me by carrying me from place to place. I realized earlier this year that I was not doing too well taking care of my one foot because I let it hurt and hurt and hurt. So I finally took it to the doctor and got that fixed with a surgery because as much as I am not a "foot person," I really love my feet! That is just an example. I hope you keep in mind how far you have come..... from not making it very far down the block to walking "a lot!" You have come a good distance from where you were and maybe not as fast as you would like to but even slow progress IS progress!
    1483 days ago
    Awesome self-pep talk!
    1484 days ago
    Why do we always find something WRONG with our bodies? I like you used to FOCUS on those body parts that seemed to go wrong...but kudos to you for being able to see the fab 5 you listed...DA FUNK you felt...we have ALL felt it one way or another. Each SMALL second we set our mind to look LOVINGLY at every INCH of us gives us the motivation & positive attitude to push our bodies to move & become healthier.
    The fact that you choose swimming is a GAIN to start...one of the best exercises as we age...so beneficial to the joints & muscles, even after an injury.

    Your journey in this blog made me remember how far I have come after knee surgery!!! Wow, if my momma could see me now!!!! Thank you for your motivating story! emoticon
    1484 days ago
  • LSIG14
    Love the blog (although I still hate when that mean girl says things about your "fat, pudgy body")! I know the feeling of being an utter failure and will NEVER allow myself to feel that way again. If I lapse (which I often do) I will pick myself up again and know I'm not done-for yet! Just keep doing those daily 5's and pretty soon you'll realize that there are so many of those things to love about you that you can't stop at 5, 10, or even 100!! Sending hugs and cheers! You can do it!
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    1484 days ago
    Good blog - truthful & honest! Keep on going......Some days are a lot easier than others....One moment at a time to get through. emoticon emoticon
    1484 days ago
    You can do it. I have had some of those same realization moments. They are the motivation that keeps.me.going
    1484 days ago
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