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The Joys of a Learning Curve

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Every day I get to wake up it's a good thing! It is especially more awesome now that I have a wonderful partner who makes it his job that I know I am well appreciated and told frequently each day that I am loved. I didn't realize how much I missed (and deserved) those moments after my husband died 8 1/2 years ago. I guess I had allowed myself to turn off all those emotions and needs when I believed I would never have the opportunity to experience them again.

It is going to sound like a really strange analogy, but (for me) it has been very much like my continuing journey through this plateau on which I seem to have landed. After a while, I lost sight of what I had accomplished, began to shut off any acknowledgement of the 210 lb. weight loss and began to focus only on the struggle and frustration of the scale not moving in the direction I wanted it to go. I turned off the things I for which I should have been proud (the amount lost, my new clothes size, the way my body felt, and the new strength and mobility I had gained in the process). I shut down all the positives and became blinded by the focus of what I cannot seem to accomplish. Not surprisingly, these negative emotions led me back to some old behaviors and patterns of thinking I thought I had long abandoned. Funny how those things can lurk just under the surface and launch themselves when we least expect it...

Last night, I found myself berating myself for my inability to master this seemingly insidious weight loss blockage. The kicker occurred when I tried on a pair of pants that had previously been loose. Needless to say, loose is not their present descriptor. It was the straw that broke my proverbial camel's back. That wasn't necessarily a bad thing. It did, however, leave me in a puddle on the floor of our bedroom for a brief period of time.

My boyfriend, wondering to whence I had disappeared, came into the bedroom and found me on the floor looking like a train wreck. He gently helped me off the floor and pulled me into a warm hug. He didn't speak initially; he just held me until he felt me relax. He asked if I was fighting with the scale again, to which I nodded yes. He took my hand and walked me out to the living room and then sat me down next to him on the couch. It was there that he began to voice his concern.

He told me he wished I would be kinder to myself and remember that I have been ill for 6 months, virtually unable to exercise regularly, and that I had been on so many medications that my body was confused about what to do with all the crap that was running around inside it. I had to acknowledge that I had not taken those things into account as I berated myself relentlessly for my iniquities. I realized that every word he spoke would be something I would to say to someone else in the same circumstances. It was the perspective I needed.

With those simple words and that stunning realization, I knew I would never treat someone else the way I was treating myself. Blinded by my lack of self-perspective, I had shut out all the positive things I have accomplished and was not treating myself the way I needed and deserved. If I am to get through this rough patch, I have to treat myself with the same kindness and perspective that I would any Spark Friend (or anyone else, for that matter) in a crisis. Today starts that challenge for me.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Just looked you up since you were so kind to comment on my breakfast fiber comment today. You have been on an amazing weight loss journey. I have also been through a lot of life changing circumstances since 2009. A little over 3 years ago I had reached my max weight of 296 pounds. I moved to a small town to get away from too many memories, sold my car and started walking. I lost 131 pounds and was just 10 pounds from my goal by November of 2015. Then I got "knocked down" again by some of life's calamities, hurt my knee and started gaining weight again. I did meet a nice man a year ago last April, and he and I are trying to support each other with trying to get healthy again during our "golden years." Much like you, I also was in a puddle of tears not too long ago because I have gone back to 230 pounds since November of 2015. I felt so discouraged and angry at myself. I felt there was just no more hope or willpower left in me to conquer the pain in my knee even after a "repair" surgery this last February. I still cannot walk more than 3500 steps in a day without having so much pain at night that I only get 3-4 hours of sleep most nights. My "honey of a man" sat me down and said that we would just go back to square one and work at it, no matter how long it may take. He was so kind and understanding. So now, I too have gotten back on the bandwagon and am determined to get back to my goal.
    emoticon Thanks for the inspiration and another much needed push.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1530 days ago
  • LINDAF49
    YEAH for you - now copy this and print it and tape it to the bathroom mirror - BE KIND TO YOURSELF and encourage yourself - set real goals and real rewards and move forward. Hugs!,
    1531 days ago
    emoticon take care of yourself first
    1531 days ago
    Wonderful to have a supportive partner to give you a loving reality check.

    Today I read your first ever Spark blog to see how you started your Spark journey.
    1531 days ago
  • no profile photo BONDMANUS2002
    1531 days ago
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