Saturday, April 01, 2017
I probably should have done this first but oh well.
My name is April. I am 38 from KY. Married with two sweet girls. Sabrina is 2 and Aubrey will be 4 next month. I am a stay at home mom and online student majoring in health information management.
I have PCOS and have always had extra weight. It was gradual but in my early 20s my highest weight was 327. I read the Atkins book and got serious and lost almost 100 pounds. I had two problems though. After keeping my carbs so low for so long I became obsessed with avoiding carbs to the point that I did not want to add them back in. This caused me to plateau for several months. Another issue was that despite the scale and smaller size clothes I still felt fat as always. I would stare in the mirror and poke and prod at my fat and wonder why I was still so flabby. I eventually fell off the wagon completely and slowly started gaining weight back.
In 2013 I had my first baby thanks to femara. My weight the day of my c section was 360. I left the hospital at 340. I had been on bedrest and then my c section refused to heal so I was not getting any exercise. In fact I was moving much less. We decided to try for a second baby about a year and a half later. Very similar pregnancy in that I was put on bedrest and again my incision did not want to close. I ended up with a wound vac for 2 months. My weight when I went in for my c section was 400. I left the hospital at 380.
I struggled with anxiety and postpartum depression after the second baby. She seemed so unhappy and cried all the time and I felt like I was not being a good mom. I felt distant from her and was just miserable. When she was 3 months I admitted to my doctor what was going on and was given Zoloft for ppd. It helped with my anxiety but not totally sure it did much for my depression.
At the beginning of this year I got a new primary care physician and told her it was time for me to take care of myself. She sent me to see a nutritionist and told me she would help me with weightloss and stay on track. I saw the nutritionist and it just felt like a waste of time. I already knew how to lose weight and what to eat and not eat. She gave me calorie guides and wanted to see me every 2 weeks for a weigh in. I thought I was ready for this change but within 2 weeks I had stopped worrying about what I was eating and I blew off my doctor and nutritionist.
In February I finally did go back to my regular doctor because I had a UTI. She asked how I was doing and the first thing I said was well so gained weight. She asked me again how I was mentally and emotionally. After we talked she upped my zoloft. I was now weighing in at 412. She wanted to see me back in 2 months.
About a week ago I started feeling very depressed. I am at my biggest weight and have never felt lazier. I have two little girls that depend on me and I feel like I am doing the bare minimum. My husband is a saint because he has stood by me through everything and does a lot of the house work after working all day. I have never been so lazy or weak in my life. For the first time I honestly felt like if I didn't make some sort of change then I might as well be dead because I don't do anything. That same night I started watching my 600 pound life. The woman had two small kids that her parents were raising. She was full of excuses and it took her several months to get on board with the diet plan. I saw so much of myself in her...the failing mother, the excuses.
That weekend I ate everything I love and knew I would miss. I think I have food addiction because I have always said I eat because it tastes good. Not because I am depressed or sad or whatever, I just like food, especially fast food. I know it's terrible and moreso this is not how I want my girls to eat. When I was a kid we ate out on Fridays only. It was either a local burger joint or Lil Caesers. That's it. In middle school I made a new friend that became my best friend. Her family became like my family. I spent most weekends at her house and weeks in the summer and even went with her family on vacations. Her family ate out every single night. When I was with them they would feed me. I was eating from places I had never been or even thought about. She was 250 in 7th grade. I ended up at 220. I was heavy before but no doubt the fast food was accumulating. I found out during this time that I had PCOS.
Last Monday as promised I woke up and began low carb. Ive done every diet on earth and the one that worked the best with the minimal of hunger was low carb. From reading I know that PCOS and low carb work really well together. I know now to to obsess the way I did and that at some point I do need to increase good carbs back in. I have put my scale in the closet. I will let my doctor track my weight because for me this is about changing my life. I don't have a goal weight. I just want to have energy and stamina and teach my girls about how to eat because odds are they will have PCOS as well. I want to live a long active life. I want to be the best mom that I can be and a good wife.
On Thursday I saw a therapist for the first time. I have never considered my mental and emotional well being and maybe that has been the missing piece I don't know.
That leads me to today. Day 6 of low carb. I go back to the doctor on April 20-something. I have been 100% on plan and look forward to seeing some results as well as seeing the results of my bloodwork.
My husband and kids are on the same plan. I believe I am at the point of that brain click where you are committed and determined to be a successful.