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But I'm scared. But I will figure it out.

Friday, March 31, 2017

A few years ago... I lost 62 pounds...218 to 156. A year and a half later, I went from 156 to 233. BUT...and there is always a BUT! It took me all of 2.5 years to gain 77 pounds unexpectedly. Unexpectedly...I gained this weight. I gained this weight after I stopped smoking. My mother told me a month ago that my weight gain is not to be blamed on the non-smoking. I gave up smoking for me, and to live longer for the future me and what's to come. But then...and I know here I go with the...BUT! I had more than I could endure on my plate.

*My uncle pass, and I didn't get to say the proper good-bye.
*My marriage was on the rocks, and I wasn't aware of it until it started to crumble.
*I lost myself, but I wasn't aware of the fact that I didn't know myself.
*I lost my identity, but now I look at it as...there never was.

But...let me put that "But" in there once again. I didn't know how good freedom like this felt until I regained all of this. And I wasn't expecting this. No-one expects it all to come back. Do we really prepare for this? Do we! You know why it's called "maintenance" after you hit your goal...you must maintain your loss. I should have, but how could I, when the tools I needed was never received.

Let's Recap...
*My uncle pass, and I didn't get to say the proper good-bye. He didn't get a chance to see the new me, he could have, but I chicken out. I told my cousin. No, I don't want to see my uncle that way...but now I wished I did.

*My marriage was on the rocks, and I wasn't aware of it until it started to crumble. He and I married for stability. I think we both got married because each one of us needed a little something different. He needed an anchor, and I needed his bleeding heart. I needed a man who would love me unconditionally through my pain. But how could he, when he never experience love in order to fully give love back? Oh. He loved me like he loved his personal things, but I didn't feel a (WE) or (US). I felt (I) or (ME) but never a (UNITY). At times, I felt as if I settled for nothing, when I was more than nothing...I was looking for something deeper. I wasn't a thing, I was a person who needed to belong to him in a loving way, not some damn passive possession.

Once I lost all my weight, I felt important but not enough to hold it. This marriage became rocky. My marriage is still intact, but I have those days when I feel I should walk away. Not divorce him... just a little step back, you know...just some time away, long enough to fix my mess.
*I lost myself, and I wasn't aware of the fact that I didn't know myself.
*I lost my identity. I lost the woman I wanted to be way before I got married, and this right here follows with the first marriage. I was a damage woman walking into another relationship with a broken man. I thought he really could fix me, help me find myself, but how could he when he was broken and lost himself????

So...the weight gain started to slip up on me again. I thought..."Damn girl, you had it going on, what happened?" I wanna say, he did this. I wish I could say, reality, but dammit I can't. As always... (S___T)...HAPPENS)! I think I've crapped for the last time on my life. I'm done giving up.

But here I am, scared! Afraid to even try because I'm afraid to fail.
Oh...I could shut down my page, delete it all together, but then it hit me. I'll continue to fail if I give up on this, and I never give up. Hell, I don't stop...so why bother to even entertain the idea of giving up on me when I'm trying to become (ME).

Back in 2013 you couldn't stand in my shine. I was in that lime light, and I enjoyed my body.
Who wouldn't?
I loved life and every corner of it.
at this size. I'm on this journey again, and I'm afraid!
But I will figure it out.

Until the next blog.
Peace and Blessings
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JUDYAMK
    you will do this so you stumbled ,but you came back up.NEVER give up Winston Churchill once said."when you are going through hell keep on going " Look inside the very depth of your soul and really ask yourself can I get back on top where I was before? The answer is going to be" YES I CAN " You have been thru so much in your life,but each time you struggled to get back and did so. this time is no different believe in yourself !!
    As far as your Uncle passing I am sorry to hear this,when we do not have that moment to say our last goodbye hurts. My Aunt just passed away I was very close to her, I could not go see her like she was. I wanted to remember her the way I knew her before,perhaps others think I should have,but I did what is best for me.
    Stay MINDFUL, STRONG & FOCUSED
    Judy
    961 days ago
  • FREELY-LYNN77
    Thank you all for your comments. I appreciate each one. I'm taking it one day at a time, and I am doing my best to win this race. It's like I'm learning myself all over again. Day by day I'm learning who I am inside and out. The more I push forward the more I learn. Thank you once again.
    Let's keep it moving.
    Lynn

    962 days ago
  • -POOKIE-
    You will figure things out, you have a good head on your shoulders and you know what to do to lose the weight, you did it before and you can do it again.
    963 days ago
  • ALASKINI
    NONONONONONONO...NEVER GIVE UP!

    You're a beautiful, bright, strong young woman who's been thru the wringer. Sometimes we 'self-medicate' to get thru the rough parts of life. THINK about all the really bad 'medication' choices you could have made!! Drugs. Alcohol. Going back to tobacco. It could have been so very much worse!!

    You've done the heavy lifting of proving to yourself you can lose the weight, get healthy, and enjoy your life so much. You've done it once. You can do this again. You CAN do it.

    Remember this huge family you have here to help motivate you. Remember your family and friends who love you no matter that your body size. Remember to love yourself for all the things you are beyond a number on a stupid scale.

    I wish you peace and love and all the possible motivation as you reclaim your health. That's what it is. Your HEALTH. Not just a healthy weight, but a healthy mindset. Reach out for it. It's there.


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    963 days ago
  • CHRISTINA332017
    You have been through a lot and you are stronger because of it and you will loose the weight again life happens and we lose track but I believe you will rock it this time
    963 days ago
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