Tuesday, March 28, 2017
Since my last entry I have not accomplished a damn thing. Like literally nothing. I may have lasted a week or so. I ended up blowing off the nutritionist after 1 visit. She didn't add anything new. She called me to reschedule probably five times but I didn't answer.
I had a follow up with my regular doctor and I did go only because I just established her as my primary care at the previous visit. I had gained weight. I dreaded talking to her about it. When she came in and sat down she asked me how I was doing. I told her not great and I gained some weight. She didn't get onto me though. She said no, I mean how are YOU. I was kind of surprised. I told her I felt a mix of stressed out and just plain don't care. After a little more detail she told me she wanted to up my zoloft. I was on board with that.
I am in such a weird place. My kids stress me out daily, my husband and I are not in the greatest place just because we never have any time to ourselves. I am still mourning the loss of great grandmother who has been gone almost a year now. People don't get it. I don't talk about it much but she was my person I guess you could say. She was the one person I talked to every single day and who always wanted to know what was happening with me. I have no memory of my life without her there. More of a mother than my own even.
I know what it takes. I know the diets, the lifestyle changes. I have so much knowledge about myself and how to lose the weight but all this time and I haven't. What am I waiting for? I have plenty of motivation. I want to be an active mom for my girls, I want to take them to carnivals, the beach, even Disney. I want them to have healthy active lifestyles but they are not getting that kind of knowledge from me.
Friday I made this spur of the moment decision that the time has come to get my sh*t together. Seriously. I let myself eat all my favorite foods over the weekend and started my new healthier low carb journey over today. It sucks. I know it takes a few days to adjust but I just wanna eat. And eat and eat. And my god the stupid fast food commercials.
Fast food. I love it. Its easy. Its delicious. It requires no clean up. But I can't raise my girls like that. People talk about emotional eating but I eat because food tastes good. I eat when I am happy when I am sad when I am bored when I am celebrating when something looks good. I just like the taste. I am a picky eater to begin with and could live on pepperoni pizza and tacos. When Sabrina was born in Feburary of 2015 I weighed 401. That was my highest weight ever. Before having her I was around 350. I gained a lot more with her than my first. At my last doctor visit I think it was 406 or 408. Clearly things are out of control.
So yes It was a spur of the moment decision that it is time to change my life. I am a stay at home mom but to be honest besides feeding them and keeping them alive everyday I basically sit my *ss on the couch and watch tv. Its to the point that I sit and think about the possibility of getting blood clots in my legs. I am 38 years old but I act like I am 78. My hubby, bless his soul. He does most all the chores and laundry. Its pathetic. I say its because he makes so many damn messes that I can't deal with it but the truth is if I stayed on top of things every day it wouldn't get that way.
Yesterday I woke up and cooked the girls breakfast and then I unloaded and loaded the dishwasher. Sounds easy. I haven't put that much effort in forever. This has to be rock bottom. I feel worthless and pathetic. I am failing my girls. I am failing my husband. I am failing myself. If I am not willing to change my ways then honestly I should not even exist. I don't say that as a suicidal person I just say that as someone who has realized that what I am doing is a far cry from living.
I have another follow up appointment with my doctor in 26 days. I can lose a pretty good amount of weight in that time. I put the scale in the closet because there is much more at stake than just a number. I want to feel better. When I start to get my pep back I will know its working. When I have energy and I don't just want to sit still I will know I am on the right track.
This has to be it. There is too much on the line this time.