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Rock Bottom

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Since my last entry I have not accomplished a damn thing. Like literally nothing. I may have lasted a week or so. I ended up blowing off the nutritionist after 1 visit. She didn't add anything new. She called me to reschedule probably five times but I didn't answer.

I had a follow up with my regular doctor and I did go only because I just established her as my primary care at the previous visit. I had gained weight. I dreaded talking to her about it. When she came in and sat down she asked me how I was doing. I told her not great and I gained some weight. She didn't get onto me though. She said no, I mean how are YOU. I was kind of surprised. I told her I felt a mix of stressed out and just plain don't care. After a little more detail she told me she wanted to up my zoloft. I was on board with that.

I am in such a weird place. My kids stress me out daily, my husband and I are not in the greatest place just because we never have any time to ourselves. I am still mourning the loss of great grandmother who has been gone almost a year now. People don't get it. I don't talk about it much but she was my person I guess you could say. She was the one person I talked to every single day and who always wanted to know what was happening with me. I have no memory of my life without her there. More of a mother than my own even.

I know what it takes. I know the diets, the lifestyle changes. I have so much knowledge about myself and how to lose the weight but all this time and I haven't. What am I waiting for? I have plenty of motivation. I want to be an active mom for my girls, I want to take them to carnivals, the beach, even Disney. I want them to have healthy active lifestyles but they are not getting that kind of knowledge from me.

Friday I made this spur of the moment decision that the time has come to get my sh*t together. Seriously. I let myself eat all my favorite foods over the weekend and started my new healthier low carb journey over today. It sucks. I know it takes a few days to adjust but I just wanna eat. And eat and eat. And my god the stupid fast food commercials.

Fast food. I love it. Its easy. Its delicious. It requires no clean up. But I can't raise my girls like that. People talk about emotional eating but I eat because food tastes good. I eat when I am happy when I am sad when I am bored when I am celebrating when something looks good. I just like the taste. I am a picky eater to begin with and could live on pepperoni pizza and tacos. When Sabrina was born in Feburary of 2015 I weighed 401. That was my highest weight ever. Before having her I was around 350. I gained a lot more with her than my first. At my last doctor visit I think it was 406 or 408. Clearly things are out of control.

So yes It was a spur of the moment decision that it is time to change my life. I am a stay at home mom but to be honest besides feeding them and keeping them alive everyday I basically sit my *ss on the couch and watch tv. Its to the point that I sit and think about the possibility of getting blood clots in my legs. I am 38 years old but I act like I am 78. My hubby, bless his soul. He does most all the chores and laundry. Its pathetic. I say its because he makes so many damn messes that I can't deal with it but the truth is if I stayed on top of things every day it wouldn't get that way.

Yesterday I woke up and cooked the girls breakfast and then I unloaded and loaded the dishwasher. Sounds easy. I haven't put that much effort in forever. This has to be rock bottom. I feel worthless and pathetic. I am failing my girls. I am failing my husband. I am failing myself. If I am not willing to change my ways then honestly I should not even exist. I don't say that as a suicidal person I just say that as someone who has realized that what I am doing is a far cry from living.

I have another follow up appointment with my doctor in 26 days. I can lose a pretty good amount of weight in that time. I put the scale in the closet because there is much more at stake than just a number. I want to feel better. When I start to get my pep back I will know its working. When I have energy and I don't just want to sit still I will know I am on the right track.

This has to be it. There is too much on the line this time.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    1585 days ago
    I'm no doctor but you sound depressed. I hope the medication shift helps! As someone who has battled depression my whole life I know exactly how hard it can be to feel like you're worthless. But you are not worthless! I know you can do this. If you need someone to talk to I'm always here.
    1586 days ago
    1587 days ago
    You can do it darling....I lost my mother for years ago and I lost my grandmother her mother j 9 mths ago. I've struggled a lot this year. I'm dealing with some major health issues right now. You are covered by an angel... Take one day at a time
    1587 days ago
    I can relate to so much of your entry. I feel as if I could have written this myself. I'm also doing low carb. Rock bottom is a hard place but it can also be a good place to start from. It's time to begin again. You're worth it.
    1587 days ago
    I hope you decided to do something before its too late
    1587 days ago
    Its not really a matter of knowing what to do or wanting to do it. Its literary a switch going off in your head that pushes you to stick with your program. For this most people need to hit rock bottom. YOU can do this. YOU are worth the effort.
    1587 days ago
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