Thursday, October 06, 2016
I caan admit here things I can't say out loud. For so many years as a single parent I had to present as calm and assured when that was not the case. I schooled myself not to cry or appear panicked because I did't want my girls to worry. Most people think I am stronger than I am, I am calmer than I really am and that I am brave. The facts are that I am always afraid of something, I practice just breathing daily to make it through anything from bad weather to passing a ruck on the road. Now that my girls are grown, I am always fighting tears. Today I am terrified. I am in my house with shutters on but I don't feel safe. I can't go anyplace because o the dogs. I have watched the same episode of a stupid relatity show going on four times. I can't focus on anything for long periods of time I can't watch regular stations because the news commentators are just intensifying my feelings of panic.
As friends call to express support and give advice I become more depressed. The only light moment in all of this is the fact that I am roasting vegetables--I don't have cake mix or any of that. I do have some cookies and cashews. I can't even eat myself into calm at this point--just eating. I have rum and hard cider but I keep thinking that I need to be able to respond to whatever so being out of it due to alcohol doesn't seem smart. I'll probably drink when this is over.
For today, I am not concerned withthe scale. I am fat and alive and I would trade the promise of weight loss to stay fat and alive. Events of this type help you rapidly sort and prioritize concerns in your life. The dogs seem to have settled down a bit and we're expecting the first bands of wind and rain in about an hour. Once it starts it will continue through Friday with the worst being 2:00 am--night storms are more terrifying than day storms, probably goes back to neanderthal times.
May be back to post again. I need to do whatever I can to prevent a major melt down,