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Week 7: Spacious Awareness & Week 8: Accepting the Unacceptable

Monday, September 19, 2016

Insight changes everything. The past two weeks have been the most curious, exploratory, and wisdom gleaning weeks that I have experienced in a long time. They have also been the most emotionally taxing, as I have learned to accept the unacceptable and come around to reignite some old unfinished relationships in my life. I went through a period of feeling, "I have all this insight, so why am I coming up against this continual resistance in my life?" I kept looking for more answers, and every answer I got was essentially the same, explained in a slightly different way. So my understanding of habits and how to break them had become very thorough, as well as my grasp on how to be very powerful and present in my life, but I doubted myself in a big way. Finally I came across an article from Mindful that posed some poignant questions that I needed to ask myself about my doubt and this started to initiate the process of change. www.mindful.org/are-you-
I spent Week 7 essentially meditating and reading a book called _Feeling Wisdom_ about working with emotions using Buddhist teachings and Western psychology. I began the week doing yoga, started a morning stretching routine, and started doing a one-minute pushup and situp challenge along with some leg lifts and started planning out more fitness on the horizon. and got more activity minutes and burned more calories than in Week 6, but didn't track my calories, and attempted to put my scale on the shelf. So I began the week with a lot of vim and vigour and felt really empowered and a great sense of optimism and spacious awareness. I didn't binge during this time, and I even found myself very *aware* with my eating, and feeling a great sense of being of power in my life, even if I did bring the question up, "Is this the beginning of something, or is this a fleeting change?" And perhaps it was that question, that sense of doubt, that led to my decision to weigh myself. I had decided I was going to wait a month as my weighing had become a source of real stress for me especially because the scale simply wasn't doing what I was used to it doing when I was on track; my results had slowed down or become nonexistent, but I so strongly felt like I was really making progress that I wanted some kind of proof and simply being in a powerful place in my life didn't seem like enough because I was so used to relying on the scale to tell me whether or not I was making progress. It had only been a few days, but the scale said I had lost 5 pounds, and this hooked me back into weighing. My focus shifted off of the behaviours I was cultivating, and back onto weight loss and every decimal point. Predictably, the scale went right back up a couple of days later, and I was back where I'd started, but I felt a new layer of defeat because the routine I had when I was not weighing had been so rewarding and I felt like I had lost that and didn't know how to get it back even though it was simple enough, just start over. But I felt very cheated and progress seemed like an impossibility. I continued meditating and reading, looking for ways to process my feelings which seemed to have so much control over me. This is when resistance became a real problem and in Week 8 I began re-reading _Being of Power_ to rediscover the principles that I knew were essential to leading an empowered life--which I knew was possible, despite my real resistance and negativity that created so many blocks and obstacles. I reconnected with my ex boyfriend Bryan and started the process of repairing damaged energies between us with the possibility of reuniting which opened up a lot of anxiety for me and my mind seemed stuck with this. I knew I wanted to re-explore something with him, but at the same time, I felt very anxious about what that meant. This got me really bound up and I devoted all my time to _Being of Power_ and _The Little Book of Big Change_ where I was looking for that magic insight, which I found in abundance, but all of the insights just weren't clicking with me. I lost touch with meditation and yoga and everything else, but kept looking for answers that I knew could solve this block of resistance that felt so real and solid and immovable! Two weeks of this and I felt like I had all the keys but just had to turn the lock. And then I realized that essentially this resistance that I was feeling was really fear and fear could be dissolved with truth. With everything that I had learned, I needed to be asking myself the right questions when I came up against the brick of resistance in which case I could discover that any habit or situation in my life was in fact malleable and not so solid as I had previously felt. I could begin to shape events and get a lot more mindful about strong feelings that had once derailed my whole existence, now I could question those automatic reactions. And when I was feeling a strong sense of doubt and resistance, practice simply questioning that doubt. So the past two weeks have been less about doing things and more about wisdom and insight and here in the beginning of Week 9 I have been seeing some true growth. I'm not sure I have all the answers yet, but I'm definitely "feeling wisdom" and the past two weeks don't feel as though they have been for nothing. The discoveries I have made have been significant and I'm opening up to more possibilities as I move forward.

Week 7
emoticon Activity Minutes 184
emoticon Calories Burned 587
emoticon Calories Consumed ?
emoticon Miles Walked 12
emoticon Yoga Minutes 53
emoticon Meditation Minutes 125

Week 8
emoticon Activity Minutes 95
emoticon Calories Burned 486
emoticon Calories Consumed ?
emoticon Miles Walked 9
emoticon Yoga Minutes 0
emoticon Meditation Minutes 25
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