SP Premium
15,000-19,999 SparkPoints 15,665

Coming out of the gloom

Thursday, September 15, 2016

Feeling Accomplished

I have to say I am feeling accomplished after these last 4 days. Monday was the start back down the right path. Not just for eat but spiritually and physically. There has been a lot of things I have been battling. Anxiety Depression feeling like a slug, my own negative talk and thought of myself, negativity, A sharp and harsh tongue, my youngest daughter, not feeling the lords presence. I think it is safe to say I have been a mess for quite a while. I have thought about trying to start the change again and kept thinking I did this already and now look where I am. As I continued to gain and gain and gain. This week I decided enough was enough. I needed to change. I could not change all of the things in the past all I could do is look forward and learn and work hard to not be here again. I am currently 215 or I was on Monday. I am not sure what I weight today. That is a weird thing for me as in the past I would weigh myself every day just to know when I was getting back on path. This time I don’t really care to number. Yes I defiantly want to be out of the 200 believe me. After hitting 145 last spring of 2015 I thought I would NEVER be here again. Never would I allow myself to weigh and look that way. But I really really struggled when I was at the 145. I have NEVER been that weight before. I never felt skinny as others would call me. They would say you look amazing. Your so skinny but all I saw were the rolls. The rolls I had lived with for so many years. Yes they were smaller but they were there. Were they though? I remember thinking I wished I could remember what I really looked like without clothes so I could appreciate the way I looked then. Lots of thing happened between then and now. Emotional mile stones with my family and kids and I did what I had done in the past I let me emotions lead my life and feed me. Like a monster inside I kept eating and eating and eating. I couldn’t get enough sugar. I can say now I began to secretly hate myself. I changed. I used to be a positive up beat loving person before the weight loss during and at my lowest. But when the weight started to come back on and on and on and I lost her. I can’t tell you exactly when she slipped away I didn’t even realize. I knew that I was grumpy and getting bigger but I didn’t realize my disposition had changes. I had a coworker as me are you okay you don’t seem like yourself. I wasn’t and I started to realize that but I wasn’t feeling good so I blamed It on that and it was the truth. Physically I didn’t feel good but he wasn’t talking about the physical I just didn’t realize it. SO deep deep I went. Even as I was back into size 12 then 14 and finally 16/18 I didn’t actually see see myself until recently. I would look in the mirror and think It isn’t so bad I don’t look like I am XXX. Denial was my friend. And so as I have been approaching my 40th Birthday I knew I wanted and needed to change. I needed to look at turn 40 as a complete celebration of my life and what I have accomplished not as a negative to bring me down. I have 2 ways to look at things dark deep doom and gloom or see things through the light even in the dark you can see light if you want. It is a choice like going left or right. I have choose the light. When I lost the weight the first time I didn’t do it on spark people. I didn’t log my food, I didn’t blog and I had nothing to help me maintain. No history nothing to read to encourage me to jump back on track I spiraled out of control. I had wished I had blogged and logged food that I could look back and see what was I eating and how was I full as I just keep eating without feeling full. But what I didn’t realize was I didn’t feel full because I felt empty. The stomach can be an everlasting pit when you feel empty do in the dark doom and gloom. So again this time I chose to write down my path to leave myself the bread crumbs to stay on path and not to stray. I will have dark days I know that everyone does but if I document how I got there this time my path will be lighten up on how to stay there. I am making changes not only with my food but with my conversations with the lord before I start my work day of chaos. This has made me feel great walking in the door and prepared. As I walk around the parking lot praying and thank god for many things I walk into the office on the right foot (: I have also started to read the happiness project. I am going for the full change. In Spiritual, Physical and Mental well-being. I know I can do this and I am doing it. Just one great example is I have had these See’s Chocolate sitting right in front of my desk since Monday along with a table full of Theo Chocolates. I have allowed myself 1 piece at the end of the day. Then I am not tempted to continue though I have been very disciplined it is not easy to SMELL it all day long. I am looking forward to weighing myself tomorrow and see my accomplishments for the first few days. I am ready for this journey mentally this time.
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Just post. We are here for each other. 😊 God Bless!!
    1501 days ago
    I am so glad you are coming out of the gloom. It is a dark place and I have come to realize that for me, prayer is the only thing that will bring life back into prospective for me. So proud of you! Keep up the good work and if you need anything
    1501 days ago
    Good for you. You, are an inspiration.
    1501 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.