Coming out of the gloom
Thursday, September 15, 2016
I have to say I am feeling accomplished after these last 4 days. Monday was the start back down the right path. Not just for eat but spiritually and physically. There has been a lot of things I have been battling. Anxiety Depression feeling like a slug, my own negative talk and thought of myself, negativity, A sharp and harsh tongue, my youngest daughter, not feeling the lords presence. I think it is safe to say I have been a mess for quite a while. I have thought about trying to start the change again and kept thinking I did this already and now look where I am. As I continued to gain and gain and gain. This week I decided enough was enough. I needed to change. I could not change all of the things in the past all I could do is look forward and learn and work hard to not be here again. I am currently 215 or I was on Monday. I am not sure what I weight today. That is a weird thing for me as in the past I would weigh myself every day just to know when I was getting back on path. This time I don’t really care to number. Yes I defiantly want to be out of the 200 believe me. After hitting 145 last spring of 2015 I thought I would NEVER be here again. Never would I allow myself to weigh and look that way. But I really really struggled when I was at the 145. I have NEVER been that weight before. I never felt skinny as others would call me. They would say you look amazing. Your so skinny but all I saw were the rolls. The rolls I had lived with for so many years. Yes they were smaller but they were there. Were they though? I remember thinking I wished I could remember what I really looked like without clothes so I could appreciate the way I looked then. Lots of thing happened between then and now. Emotional mile stones with my family and kids and I did what I had done in the past I let me emotions lead my life and feed me. Like a monster inside I kept eating and eating and eating. I couldn’t get enough sugar. I can say now I began to secretly hate myself. I changed. I used to be a positive up beat loving person before the weight loss during and at my lowest. But when the weight started to come back on and on and on and I lost her. I can’t tell you exactly when she slipped away I didn’t even realize. I knew that I was grumpy and getting bigger but I didn’t realize my disposition had changes. I had a coworker as me are you okay you don’t seem like yourself. I wasn’t and I started to realize that but I wasn’t feeling good so I blamed It on that and it was the truth. Physically I didn’t feel good but he wasn’t talking about the physical I just didn’t realize it. SO deep deep I went. Even as I was back into size 12 then 14 and finally 16/18 I didn’t actually see see myself until recently. I would look in the mirror and think It isn’t so bad I don’t look like I am XXX. Denial was my friend. And so as I have been approaching my 40th Birthday I knew I wanted and needed to change. I needed to look at turn 40 as a complete celebration of my life and what I have accomplished not as a negative to bring me down. I have 2 ways to look at things dark deep doom and gloom or see things through the light even in the dark you can see light if you want. It is a choice like going left or right. I have choose the light. When I lost the weight the first time I didn’t do it on spark people. I didn’t log my food, I didn’t blog and I had nothing to help me maintain. No history nothing to read to encourage me to jump back on track I spiraled out of control. I had wished I had blogged and logged food that I could look back and see what was I eating and how was I full as I just keep eating without feeling full. But what I didn’t realize was I didn’t feel full because I felt empty. The stomach can be an everlasting pit when you feel empty do in the dark doom and gloom. So again this time I chose to write down my path to leave myself the bread crumbs to stay on path and not to stray. I will have dark days I know that everyone does but if I document how I got there this time my path will be lighten up on how to stay there. I am making changes not only with my food but with my conversations with the lord before I start my work day of chaos. This has made me feel great walking in the door and prepared. As I walk around the parking lot praying and thank god for many things I walk into the office on the right foot (: I have also started to read the happiness project. I am going for the full change. In Spiritual, Physical and Mental well-being. I know I can do this and I am doing it. Just one great example is I have had these See’s Chocolate sitting right in front of my desk since Monday along with a table full of Theo Chocolates. I have allowed myself 1 piece at the end of the day. Then I am not tempted to continue though I have been very disciplined it is not easy to SMELL it all day long. I am looking forward to weighing myself tomorrow and see my accomplishments for the first few days. I am ready for this journey mentally this time.