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Week 6: Defying the Lie, Patterns of Behaviour, & Parting Ways with the Scale?

Sunday, September 04, 2016

I have slowly been getting acquainted with the nine practices to ignite an empowered life that Baron Baptiste has provided in his book Being of Power, and right now I've been reading through the book in its entirety, but slowly going back and focusing on specific chapters that I need at given times, and lately I've been thinking about "defying the lie". The most important point he makes in this section is that "life is totally malleable, and so are you." He emphasizes the importance of declaration and that the "languaging" is a key component, as there is a big difference between "being something" and "a way of being." Being something is a layer, or something you put on. Being *of* something comes from the depth of your essence. So when thinking about transformation and coming into a new way of being, the language needs to be intentional and without having to change a single thing about your physical reality. Furthermore, when it comes to having a breakthrough, the most important thing that Baron emphasizes is being a "yes" and he points out that "the problem is that most of us come from being a no when it comes to this kind of self-inquiry, so we automatically reject the idea that we have blind spots and never see these hidden limitations. We feel that we're trying our best in life, and while things might not be great, they are as good as they can be for now. This subtle resignation further keeps our obstructions held in place." And as I thought about that simple passage tonight, really considered it, it occurred to me that I *have* been a no in exactly the way he was describing, so even though I've been working with some of these practices, I haven't been having the breakthroughs I've been hoping for, and I have felt, at times, frustrated and stuck, and at times, as if I were just falling back into the same old patterns that got me trapped in the first place. My blind spots have been keeping me closed. So the old destructive patterns of behaviour that keep showing up for me aren't something that I need to fight against, but rather something that I really need to accept just as they are and just as they aren't. I've been saying that a lot during Week 6, that I had accepted the binge eating just as it is and just as it isn't--among other things--but I was still showing up and resisting and not being ok in my life. I still thought life would be better five pounds from now or if I had more money or if I had Fritzy all the time instead of just on the weekends during the school year. There was a total absence of empowered acceptance. Coming from "let it be--as it is and as it is not" in the coming week is going to allow for new insights, attractions, and actions to occur. What I'm beginning to see is the emphasis on the sentence: "You begin to perceive your circumstances in a new light." So as I'm coming to the end of the book, I'm beginning to go back and work through the passages again, as I need them, and as they speak to me, the ones that I seem to need the most at each moment, and I'm showing up in my life as a person who's up to something bigger.

Fritzy had his last week of summer vacation in Week 6, and I also finished physical therapy. I began a viniyoga practice and discovered that the yoga was more helpful than the therapy exercises for my back pain, so I decided to continue doing the yoga and set a weekly yoga minutes goal, and discontinue the therapy exercises. I also began a meditation practice that I am hoping to set a goal for as well. My hope for the coming week is to get more steps, eat more healthfully more often, and practice at least ten minutes of yoga and ten minutes of meditation daily. The meditation is an important key for dealing with emotional eating. I made some important changes this week but I also had some difficult setbacks. I didn't track my calories and didn't get very many miles and so my weight has become an issue. I'm thinking about putting the scale away for a month, but I'm not sure if this will cause more issues. I copied the article from Spark that details all of the steps you need to take to put your scale away for a month and I tried this once before last year, but wasn't able to do it, took it back out after about three days and went back to weighing daily after having weighed weekly for a few months. But I don't know if I'm causing myself too much stress and anxiety by weighing every day. Especially considering the body dysmorphia problems I have, I know I don't have a very good relationship with the scale. So as much as I don't really like the idea, I think I need to put the scale away for a month, and not just try this time, but actually do it. And it goes along with accepting my body exactly as it is and exactly as it isn't. I don't need to weigh every day if I accept my body the way it is *right now*. I'm going to practice being a yes and clear those blind spots that Baron was talking about. So overall Week 6 was trying and challenging in new and interesting ways. I read a little more of _Being of Power_ and thought more about being a yes and being open and committed for a breakthrough in my life. I came up against areas where there was stuck energy, blind spots, and these caused reoccurring patterns in my life that I began to recognize and at the beginning of Week 6, open to dissolve. I set energetic and meaningful practices in motion and began to defy the lie. I began to see possibilities and energetic energy, and commit to the change that I was seeking. The week in itself was a hurdle because there was so much stuck energy and so much resistance and old stories, and getting so bound up in "answers", in trying to figure out how to get through it. But there's nothing to figure out. Nothing to fix. Nothing I need to change. It's just about being open to the truth. Transforming the way you *relate* to life. So even though this week had some tough truths for me, it was great guidance for me in the right direction, a great pathway towards shining light on the blind spots and realizing where I was closed that I could in turn then be open and see what comes from that. So my progress for Week Six looked something like this:

emoticon Activity Minutes 136 (Weekly Goal 150)
emoticon Calories Burned 397 (Weekly Goal 1500)
emoticon Calories Consumed ? (Weekly Limit 12,600)
emoticon Miles Walked 10 (Weekly Goal 21)
emoticon Weight 187.3
emoticon Yoga Minutes 138 (Weekly Goal 70) emoticon

I didn't burn a lot of calories mainly because my exercise was doing a lot of yoga, which my Fitbit said each session burned about 45 calories! I'm hopeful about doing much better with everything next week, having the opportunity to be a lot more active, while Fritzy is in school I'll be up and active, not playing video games as I do when he's home. I guess I have no excuse for my eating other than that I have binge eating disorder which is a whole struggle in itself, but more avenues are opening up for me and anyway I'm done struggling with the disorder, I've learned to accept it as it is and as it isn't. I am opening pathways for new vibrant energy this week and getting really empty, getting rid of all the old stuck energy that's been cluttering up my space.

At the end of Week 6 I am feeling a great sense of renewal. While I had a gain on the scale and my numbers weren't as good as they were in previous weeks, I had some major forward movement in key areas and began to empty some of that old stuck energy that I've been holding onto for 25 years. I'm beginning to feel some vibrant energy coming in and a flushing of those habitual skepticisms that perpetuate the blind spots in my life.
I'm beginning to move forward with genuine healthfulness and really letting go, giving up, and getting empty, and accepting the circumstances in my life with an empowered grace. I'm growing towards my breakthrough in self esteem and am committed to it and giving up the scale in the coming month is going to be a big part of that, so the emotions that brought up this week were something scary but also a sense of empowerment knowing that I could break free from having to know that number to the decimal point at every moment.

Cravings during Week 6 were present and strong, but I was beginning to sense the emotional connection going on. There were points where I was feeling like, "this is all so out of my control here" as is the feeling that comes with the binge eating disorder, but then as I began getting into my meditation practice, I began sensing the possibilities in being able to discover other possibilities when it came to emotional eating. There was a lot of emotional warfare going on for me this week and in my meditation I had a difficult time accepting the possibility that I was worthy when I did a chakra cleanse so that opened up the pathway for exploring the cravings in connection with that particular thought: can you accept yourself?

Sleep has been more of a problem lately. I felt a creeping sense of all the static and junk during Week 6 and it weighed very heavily on me, it was like wading through heavy muck. It made me tired and shut down vibrancy and the pathway for possibility. Yoga seemed to be the one thing that was able to combat the heaviness, but I was never left feeling light afterwards, which I should have, so I knew somehow that something was really off. So sleep was never restful during Week 6, never helped me regenerate, but was more a source of more bound up energy. Meditation began to clear the way for rejuvenating space here.

I talked a lot about stuck energy during Week 6. But as far as an *increase* in energy during this week, that's debatable. It's clear that I didn't clock a lot of miles or activity minutes and had a lot of clutter weighing me down mentally, which is a big energy sucker, but I did have some energies clearly moving and creating new pathways as I started a yoga practice and a meditation practice and continued with the 9 practices that I've been working to ignite an empowered life. So energy seemed split this week, and seemed to be warring, which was exhausting in a lot of aspects, being pulled in multiple directions, with shut down energy as well as vibrant energy and not being cognizant of the shift in perception that I needed to make or realizing that I was still operating from a place of "no".

Exercise feels therapeutic currently, as my exercise routine is designed to get me moving, yes, but also to be treatment for my injured back. Exercise is also, while not burning a huge amount of calories, realigning my energies and increasing my flexibility while alleviating the pain in my back, hips, shoulders, and neck. And the walking helps me to burn more calories and gets me outside.

I am moving more despite getting only 10 miles this week. I'm spending a lot of time playing video games with Fritzy, so I'm not getting a lot of miles in, but I'm moving on the mat. I'm able to fit in a session or two of yoga most days, which gets me moving in a different, mindful, way, and any movement is better than nothing even if it's not step based. I am looking for ways to continue to move even more, and to get more steps on days when I know I'm going to be mostly inactive.

My highlights this week were beginning a viniyoga practice which has been extremely rewarding so far. It was wonderful to feel the difference in my pain levels from before I began doing the yoga to immediately after, to how I'm feeling now, and I'm excited to see how I progress. Beginning a meditation practice: right now I'm doing guided meditations and a lot of new pathways an opportunities are opening up with continued practice. Consistency will be key here, as with anything. Finishing physical therapy! Going to my last day of therapy was definitely a highlight and being congratulated on how I've progressed and being assured that I have the tools to move forward and continue to strengthen and tone and keep my pain levels under control. Hitting on key points of _Being of Power_ and beginning to make important connections in my life, picking out sections of the book and being able to relate personally and powerfully with them, Fritzy getting his Yo Kai medallion book and his medallion blind bags and getting to have some fun with some brand new Yo Kai singing their little songs in the watch. Playing Indiana Jones video game with Fritzy and seeing him really enjoy himself and be so expressive with the game and in life. Coming to a place where I can begin to dissolve the junk and empty out the bowl and create space for grace.

My biggest challenges this week were emotional/binge eating and getting bound up in old patterns and blind spots. Being a "no" when I told myself I was going to be a "yes". Being intimidated and afraid of all the old junk that was following me around and cluttering up my space. Expecting vibrant energy, but not being able to hold onto it because I was trying to put vibrant energy on top of old stuck sludgy energy. Forgetting that I needed to give it all up and get empty before I could take on anything new. Really trying hard and struggling this week rather than taking my seat with empowered acceptance.

So in the coming week I'm committed to positive change and energetic movement. I'm committing to being open, especially in the areas where I'm currently closed, and being a yes to uncovering my blind spots. I'm holding in my heart the idea of being a yes even if it feels uncomfortable and make it a moment-to-moment routine.
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