The lesson I have learned this week is that your habits do not have to define you. You *can* change. Depression has taught me that. I lost all interest in everything that I once loved because of depression, and with the change in medication, once things turned around, I felt like I was given the power to tackle the things that I once thought were impossible. Before, when I lost 91 pounds, it didn't seem like I had lost any weight at all. And now I have about 40 pounds left to lose, and I feel like it's totally possible, but more importantly, I feel like the weight I have lost so far is meaningful. I have collarbones and I can still fit into my size 10 jeans even though they're tight on me now, they still fit without cutting off my breathing or being totally uncomfortable to wear, so I haven't gained so much weight as to have blown it completely. I've stayed under 200 pounds and under 190, which is a big win for me. Last week wasn't easy, there was a lot of stress and a lot of stress eating, but I developed more mindfulness, and I'm committing to being a "yes" in my life rather than a "no", having authentic relationships, and seeing where I can be curious. My aim is getting real with myself and I'm committed to having a breakthrough right now, whatever that means for me. I will lose 40 pounds and keep it off and the first step to doing that is clearing the static from my attic, as Baron Baptiste would say. During Week 5 my numbers as far as fitness goes were the worst so far, but I still lost half a pound overall, and I met my most important goal, which was putting Fritzy first and attending to him during the last days of his summer vacation. It's just come to be that when he's home, I want to be with him, and that means putting most exercise aside. This is his last week home so I am really committing to that goal this week, and then my goal for Week 7 is to recommit to my fitness goals. I'm committing to my therapy exercises, and I'm starting a viniyoga practice to target my lower back, upper back, and shoulders, and I'm going to focus on walking 10K a day. Another small goal I have made is to spend a couple of hours cleaning and organizing every day. When I got very depressed, I got overwhelmed by all of the housework and things really got to be a mess which left me feeling even more depressed. My grandparents try, but it's really too much for them, so I'm tackling one room at a time and try to organize as well as pick up. So my results for Week Five were:
Activity Minutes 186 (Weekly Goal 150)
Calories Burned 372 (Weekly Goal 1500)
Calories Consumed ? (Weekly Limit 12,600)
Miles 13 (Weekly Goal 21)
Weight 184.2 (Weekly Goal 184.2-183.7)
Therapy Sessions 16 (Weekly Goal 56)
I'm beginning to notice emotional patterns in my binge eating and starting to find some solutions. My goal is to be more present in my everyday life and moving forward limit negative feelings and emotions that aren't serving me. I have a lot of creative energy going on right now and I want to use it for good things rather than turning to food, so I've decided to focus on writing again. I'm going to blog more often, and I'm going to take a look at a book I have called _Writing the Breakout Novel_ and begin working on a manuscript that might help me to sort out some of this enormous emotional load that I've been carrying.
The biggest thing that I have realized is that I am okay with things exactly as they are and exactly as they aren't. All of the things that I kept wasting my time wishing I could change was only empowering those things. I am happy in my life right now, just as it is, just as I am, with what I have. And I can work towards positive change, but on my terms.