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Trying to be Optimistic

Friday, August 19, 2016

This is my first time creating a blog here. I don't want it to be depressing and sad. I want it to be joyful and full of happy energy, uplifting and an explosion of success.
I could put all that in here and put the happy face mask on but I want to be able to be honest here.
So I am. Been trying workouts and healthy eating for 3 years now. Nothing has worked. Today I am 30 days in to a new workout routine with Water Aerobics that are supposed to help with my Fibromyalgia pain and Myofascial, Physical Therapy workouts and staying busy. Today is day 30 and no weight loss, no body changes, nothing.
I decided 2 weeks ago to stop taking on of my Panic and anxiety meds because I thought they were keeping me from losing weight and now my Panic and Anxiety is all back and still no weight loss.
I do have Hashimoto's which is a Auto Immune Thyroid Disorder and have for 13 years. 6 years ago I went from 115 lbs. to 190 and I don't know how it happened. Honestly. I did get so depressed after experiencing a trauma in my life and curled up in a ball in my bed for 3 years and would not leave my house. I developed PTSD.
This last three years I have been trying. Trying to get well. This year I really have stayed focused and have researched, studied, went to doctor after doctor and specialists and not one of them is taking my weight seriously. One doctor even said that if I was there for pills I could just walk out the door. OMG, I have a huge fear of taking meds, ok? Duh! What a jerk.
All I want is to stop this weight problem and lose it and get this stupid Panic disorder under control.
I hate the way I look, from my face all the way to my feet, even my hair. Sometimes I feel suicidal over it all but I could never do that to my family.
I feel like I am saying "I" "I" "I" too much as if my life is all about me. It isn't, really! I feel like I am just having a pity party but then I look in the mirror again and there I am, this awful, scary, 49 year old woman that I don't want to recognize.
It seems like everything in my life is depressing. My house, my back yard, my front yard, my health, and not being able to do anything about it.
When are my prayers going to be answered? When is something that I am doing going to change anything? Is there an answer?
I don't know but I can't give up. What does giving up mean? Ummm I do believe that everyday that you open your eyes is not giving up.
So here is to another weekend coming up and having no idea what is going to happen but Monday I will be back at the pool and maybe even hiring a trainer. I can't really afford a trainer but I need something.
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