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Thursday, July 21, 2016

Disclaimer: **This is a vent post** So, I happen to be glancing through something on Facebook earlier, now typically I'm not on social media too often, it's just not my thing, matter of fact, that's the first time I'd been on Facebook in months, but on a whim, I did a 'check' in just to see old friends and some family members who live a far... anyhoo, came across this video of Tamara Mowry(I know her last name is something else now since she married, but I can't recall it at the moment), but it was a video of where she was talking about her faith and she quoted the scripture of 'Seek ye first the kingdom of God and everything else will be added unto you'...to even my own surprise, I kind of rolled my eyes at this statement... and said to myself "Really?"... I mean don't get me wrong, I believe in GOD, but I have to admit that as of late, my faith has been waning. And to listen to someone quote that scripture when you know that all you've done all your life is seek GOD, yet you see very "little" being added unto you,it can almost seem like false prophecy.. i'm just speaking how I really feel right now(and on top of that, it's that time of the month, so I could be a 'bit' emotional too). But right now, "this" is MY realness. I've seeked GOD in every aspect of my life(never seeking anything in return, mind you), but I also can't help but notice that I've had very little added unto me, at least positively anyway. I've always been a good person, never brought harm to anyone. But I always ended with people in life who used me or took me for granted, or hurt me for no reason at all.... failed relationship after relationship, cheated on and lied to(when I've never done the same to anyone)...I see women who treat guys like crap who are in relationships, yet, I can't even get a date.... i'm a single Mom, but I don't complain--i made my bed and I'm lying in it, i work hard, take care of my son...but it's a struggle... I've seen women find a mate with five, six kids...yet I can't seem to find a mate having one...so I've given up altogether on that aspect of my life...yet, despite what I've been through or how I feel, I've "always" treated others well. I've always held strong to my faith(Christianity), and treated people the way I believed Christ would, but I would be lying if I said that I'm looking at my life and wondering what is it all for?...at times I don't feel like GOD is looking out for me, at times I don't even feel he cares, as if he's turned his back on me, yet I'm not sure what for. I would continue to pray, even though not seeing anything positive or of fruition from my prayers, from my faithfulness. Truthbetold I'm almost afraid of how I feel because I'm starting to even lose my desire to pray or read my Bible at all. So it's like when I hear people like Mrs Mowry quote this scripture, I give them rather a side eye, because you're sitting there on t.v., rich, beautiful, married(with a "good" husband--not just married), and children...I wonder if people like her could say the same thing if they were sitting from my position--seeking GOD first consistently, yet 'nothing' being added unto them. Would their views still be the same? I don't like feeling how I'm feeling right now, but I do. I know I will probably be judged for "how" I'm feeling, but right now, this is my truth. I would hear people say in the past 'i'm losing my faith' or 'i'm losing my religion', and I be truthful and say, I couldn't comprehend it, I would be like 'how can they feel that way?', but over the past year, reflecting over my life, and what I've been through, I "do" understand how they feel--now. I've been told GOD is always there, GOD is always close, yet I've felt nothing but alone in my battles...so as of right now, I just have to be honest, I'm not feeling much truth in the scripture 'Seek ye first the kingdom of GOD, and everything else will be added unto you'... i'm just not... i'm hoping this feeling will change--i really do, but right now, I'm just not seeing it.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm certainly not judging... I have had all those thoughts, too.
    Sadly I long ago gave up on 'you get back what you give' attitudes 'karma' or whatever people call it. I am still good to people and don't break the law, but, I realize they call that the "just world fallacy" for a reason.

    1648 days ago
  • LINNIE33305
    This is my first time here and this is the first "real feeling " post I've read. The only thing I hear is your strong voice speaking your truth. Congratulations.
    1648 days ago
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