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It's just not working

Monday, July 11, 2016

I don't know what I've done to myself. No healthy lifestyle change seems to get past the idea phase for me and I'm possibly in the worst rut I've ever been in. I'm a legitimate couch potato. My back pain flares up from driving. I get neck cramps checking my blind spots. I can barely tie my shoes. Putting on a bra is a workout in itself. I'm short tempered. I'm heavier than I was when I was nine month pregnant. I haven't seen my period in over three months. I get mysterious red irritation bumps on my belly without any known cause. I don't know what it's like to say no to a craving, even if it's for an entire pizza (no, I don't crave a slice, I crave the whole thing). I don't remember what it's like to feel full. I sometimes feel like I barely know my two-year-old. I have no energy. I'm out of touch with my emotions. I'm sure I would be depressed but I'm so plugged into virtual worlds I have no idea how much I'm suffering.
What happened to me? How did I get to be like this? I know that this isn't a "small changes" step that spark people is all about but I think that this time I need to go extreme. I need a hard reset to control my cravings.
I finally finished watching fat, sick, and nearly dead after seeing what it did to a friend and I'm going to do a juice fast as well. I need the cleanse. I need to to readjust my tastebuds to enjoy healthier foods. I borrowed my mom's juicer and cleaned out winco. I have to do this; small changes aren't working. I need to start extreme and slowly add in more healthy foods. I obviously can't say no to this unhealthy crap so maybe I need to get it all out of the system. Today is day two and the detox headaches are much less severe which I'm glad for. Detox headaches are a bitch, to put it mildly. Not quite as bad as migraines but definitely on my list of worst possible headaches. I've switched from plain filtered water to filtered water with raw lemon and I feel a lot better after drinking it. I don't know if it's because this is my second day juicing or if it's the lemon but I'm ok with the results.
Don't try to talk me out of this. It seems like every time I do an extended fast I get told the same thing: "That's not healthy." Believe me, it is. Almost every religion fasts and it's been practiced for thousands of years. And if you look at the science, there are amazing health benefits to fasting. I'm not starving myself, and I'm not crash dieting. I'm simply living off of raw nutrients from juicing and retraining my body to eat healthier. This will likely take me at least a month. I'm looking for support here, not criticism. And I know that what I'm doing is necessary for me.
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