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7-1-2016 - A door closes..............
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Friday, July 01, 2016

Last time I wrote I was getting ready to make some big decisions and changes. Those are now being done.

During this last year I have been a little stressed about the direction the journey was heading, nothing bad but big changes and it scared me. See I was coming to the end of the weight loss part of my journey. Yes this should be a time for woohooo's and happy times, but for me it was like facing an abyss, terrifying! In January I had tummy tuck surgery something I thought I would never be able to do, but I did. I lost the weight I needed and was at 145 at the time of surgery very close to the goal weight I had set for myself of 140. What changes that surgery brought about and some real mental challenges also. I looked so different but was of course still me and that me thought of myself as FAT even when I first saw the change after the surgery my mental picture had not changed. I have had a lot of mental work to do and soul searching also. First I took an excellent class about stress management and through the class realized I mean really realized I am basically OK. I am not a freak having those thoughts. It was time for me to really see my journey through my whole life and that I was a pretty awesome and determined lady. I also started practicing Tai Chi, meditation and facing some hurts that needed to be expelled. Well I am still working on the hurt expelling but I am seeing my life as it is now and not backwards and yes I am happy with all that is here NOW. That is the one big mental fight I have had being in the NOW and just enjoying my life.

Soul searching also has taken a lot of my time, I have come to realize in conjunction with realizing I am happy with me that it is really time to stop the weight lose part of the journey and not fear the next chapter. When I finally told my Jenny Craig counselor he was so thrilled, he said he knew I would get it I just needed to see it for myself, LOL I guess he is right I bet if he had said those things to me I would have poo pooed them. So for right now I am eating a balanced, healthy 1200-1300 calorie plan, I am doing this for about a month, after months of aggressive dieting for weight loss my body and metabolism is well a skewed and needs some time to just get in balance. this is not without challenges also, after 15 years of 'dieting' and the last nearly 7 years of being faithful to my plan (and being here on SP) it is not an easy shift to not focusing on weight loss. But I am working at it and yes I still get a bit worried when i climbs even a little I am staying the course.

Body image is the next big challenge as I said in my mind I see a FAT me not what I look like in the mirror today but how I have seen myself since I was 16 and over 250 lbs. That image is part self esteem and part visual but it combines in my minds eye and it is time to help that view to morph into who I am today. When I look in the mirror I am still amazed at what I look like. Never in my wildest imagination did I ever believe I would look like this, I mean small. I have never been this low in my adult life and it is well amazing. I have read that as part of setting your goal you would visualize yourself at a healthy weight but I could never do this I was obese in my early teens and then all of my adulthood until very recently. Yet I can see its time and I mean I am a healthy weight and feel wonderful. I can do more now than at any time in my life and I am liking it.

I will give others on word of advice, one thing I did wrong and it has slowed the process and made it a little harder to make the changes.
Here it is: DON'T SET A NUMBER GOAL!! I am speaking of the final goal the end goal. For years I just wanted to get to a healthy weight and that worked for me as I lost I changed that number as needed. When I was actually getting close to the finaly goal, I became for fixated on getting to that number, I stressed myself and pushed myself so hard I nearly fell apart and quit. Gladly for me I got myself mentally through that and realized that I needed to go back to my original thoughts......A HEALTHY WEIGHT. Not a number but a felling inside and will some reality of being healthy and looking and felling good. That is where I am today. I am at 144 lbs, yes very close to the 140 I have fixated on for more than a year, but now I am just hanging around and keeping it healthy. If I lose ok but not my priority right now.

It is time to start the next chapter of my journey and life.....................TO LIVE HEALTHY
It is not a big change from what I have been doing for these many years with the one exception that I will learn to eat the right amount that I need to live healthy and fit, not to eat for eating sake but mindful of my body and its signals. I do plan to keep active with Curves and walking. I am doing Tai Chi and loving the moments of quiet and stretching. I will still track my food since I am think that is important and I am in transition. I will keep finding time for meditation and learning to let go of part hurt not for anyone but for me to live a happier life. Old hurts well hurt you and no one else, except those who love you since you are not being as happy as you could.

Oh just FYI I started on SP I wore about a size 28, I am not fitting into 12/14!!! I have lost since 2001 206 lbs and since 2009 with SP 162 lbs. Its been a very long weight loss journey but in closing this door or chapter I am just moving on to an exciting future of.......well I am not sure but I will be healthy and happy and enjoying what life has to offer me.

I am so grateful to Chris Downie for getting this wonderful site and filling it with a great staff....a positive place to learn to be all you can be! I am also thankful for my many and dearest friends who have been with me on nearly all of my journey here and we have shared so much. I am not going anywhere SP is a great home and place to keep learning and sharing all the many parts of life's journey.

BELIEVE in yourself and your dreams YOU can make them come true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hugs and smiles
Deb
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