Friday's stress abates and Saturday brings me peace.
Saturday, June 25, 2016
My husband left for work early and left me sitting and worrying about everything that had happened with me and between us on Thursday night. All of my fears and concerns were still causing me mental anguish. I was miserable, unable to eat breakfast or even think about food for a couple of hours... My pacing continued, from the computer, to the refrigerator, to the chair in the family room, back to the computer, to the phone. Who would I call? How would I find the words to even explain myself? I was trembling. I couldn't make a decision. My hands were shaking. I knew I needed to eat something, but I still felt sick to my stomach... I took my prescription meds. By mid morning I came to my senses and found something to eat, some small amount of fruit and a small amount of rice, and sausage for protein. I felt a little better.
Our financial planner called saying that my husband had called him. I answered the phone speaking in a monotone, but I was able to think, at least, and we talked. He reassured me that our problems were manageable. He was willing to meet my husband at work to talk with him and they decided to move money from our pension plan to meet some of the immediate demands of our creditors and ease my mind, because I am the one who writes the checks and juggles the accounts... When our financial advisor came to our house I was still exhausted and not sure how things were going to work out, but I had been able to make a list of bills to pay and to write the checks, moving money from one account to another hoping that I could keep everything afloat without over drafting our accounts creating even more upset in my mind. I signed some paperwork and our financial planner reminded me to breathe. We have worked with him for several years. He knows us well. He knows that I take antidepressant medication and have been seeing professional help for my chronic depression and anxiety. All he needed to say to me was "BREATHE" and I realized that things would be better, that we had had problems in the past financially and had weathered the storms of doubt then and that we would be okay now and in the future. As I sit here typing this I am remembering to breathe deeply and slowly, intentionally. This is calming and relieves stress. I relax my shoulders and feel more in control.
It's Saturday morning as I write this. I've had my medicine and breakfast today. I woke up feeling at peace. I slept 7 hours! We're going on a trip next week that has been planned for weeks, and I have laundry to do and packing to think about today. I have slacks to hem so I can get them packed when it's time. My thinking is clear and I am grateful for the people that help me sort things out when I am in trouble. I'm thankful for this website and the blogs that I read and write which help me realize that I am not on this journey alone. I can hit the panic button, like I did last week and help came. I am thankful that years ago we put in place a system to ensure we would have money for retirement when we need to tap into it. We aren't starting from scratch. We planned and had goals and have people we trust to help us. While my husband and I have had some problems in our marital history we have stayed with one another for nearly 50 years so what we have together will last a few more, God willing. He is home now after going into work this morning, stopping at the grocery for fresh vegetables to make for lunch and then he will mow grass this afternoon, still working hard at home, but we're talking calmly and working as a team today instead of me feeling alone. The soccer game is on TV. It's a typical Saturday for us, lunchtime, work at home, meals at home, looking at the lake and watching birds at the feeders. It's a beautiful summer day.