Thursday

I saw my psychologist Thursday. It was a rough session for me, but I didn't cry which was a real change from the previous week. I am facing some real challenges with my husband concerning our finances and the ability to pay our bills once he retires which he is considering. Finally he is acknowledging that he needs to slow down. That in itself is a big step for him. He needs a knee replacement. He is such a hard worker and is constantly stressing his knees. His work is physically and mentally challenging so his stress level is high. His work follows him home with phone calls when he should be resting, but he works hard at home too. This adds stress to me because I worry about his overall health and the ability to keep everything going successfully. Consequently I talked with him about all of it and then my words failed me. I couldn't seem to think and was generally upset. I was distraught, wringing my hands, and I was in turmoil trying to find a way out of my confusion. I felt as though I couldn't find a solution on my own and that he wasn't hearing my cries for help. He got angry, and that only made me feel even worse. I was scared about our future without enough money to pay bills, and l felt lost and so alone with all of my mental pain.

He said some harsh words and then turned away from me and went to sleep. How could he just go to sleep with me feeling so afraid and hopeless? I somehow managed to move from my chair, to go upstairs, to brush my teeth and go to bed, but I slept fitfully and woke up after only 4 hours of sleep. I felt zombie like with everything hurting me, all of my joints and muscles. My breathing machine woke me with a leaking mask that I couldn't seem to make work... I took it off and tried a different position in bed but I couldn't get back to sleep and was angry with myself and blaming myself for a lifetime of decisions that I thought must have been wrong to cause me to be in so much turmoil at this stage in my life... Life looked bleak when I start my day pacing, and my mind was racing, but not connecting any constructive thoughts together. It was awful... I could not seem to make sense out of my morning, waking up with all of my thoughts of doom and gloom still swirling in my head. It was dark outside. I was exhausted, and I was overwhelmed and felt helpless to change was was happening to me. I needed help, but I couldn't find a way to call anyone, picking up my phone and putting it down. I wasn't reassured by my husband telling me that things would work out, that he would find a way to make everything better. I didn't believe him. He left for work and there I was left alone, with all of my thoughts making me feel as though I would throw up... I don't remember ever feeling so alone and devastated, and it took hours of pacing and thinking to finally turn around these awful feelings, but by then I felt numb...