Thursday, March 03, 2016
I cant believe its been over a month!
I struggled with being a part of BLC challenge AND winter 5%. It became too much on BLC. I was overwhelmed. And I think its because I have so much other stuff going on. Prepping for a competition has me working out 2-3 times a day, meal prepping and eating every 3 hours, I work 55-60 hours a week, and i try to get sleep and enjoy myself too LOL. Anyway, I think anyone that is looking for a very involved team with a lot of motivating things to do on a daily basis SHOULD check out BLC. Its extremely involved and if I had the time, I would do it.
Onto me. Feb was a struggle. I wasnt myself. I didnt feel it. I made it thru blah workouts. I dont feel like I gave it my all. I had many breakdowns...and then one day it hit me.
I dont LOVE myself.
What?!!!!! I dont LOVE myself??! Thats right. If i am really looking deep, and thinking about it, I truly dont. I always say I do, but I dont! I am my worst critic.
I do not like the way I look. I realized the other day how often I put myself down when I look in the mirror. I dont BELIEVE in myself when I am lifting, I never think I can actually do the heavier weights (when i can). I fell off the food wagon and as I was trying to get back on track my friend asked if I would make it the rest of the day on track and I responded with no confidence. Now, she knows me like a sister so she called me out on that fact that I needed more confidence in myself and you know what? She is so correct.
I am in an abusive relationship with myself.
If any of my friends are struggling, I'd like to think I am one of those people on the front lines trying to get them up. I'd like to think I motivate anyone that needs it. I think I encourage, i'm a safe place to land etc..keyword FOR OTHER PEOPLE.
I talked with one of the trainers I work with about this and she agreed. She can see how much I talk down to myself. She understood that I come from a childhood where I was never told that I did a good job, it was always negative. When we did something positive you always waited for the other shoe to drop bc the negative part was coming. But, I need to change that. I distanced myself from the family BECAUSE of that, and I need to distance myself from my inner critic too. I wont be able to achieve my goals without LOVE and BELIEF that it will happen.
I'm doing better. I have been really working at eliminating negative thoughts from my mind. I also picked up some AMAZING books the other day on this topic. I am only past the first two chapters in both, but they speak to me so much. One is "Love yourself, Heal your life" Workbook by Louise Hay and the other is also by Louise Hay called You Can Heal Your Life.
March for me will still be about weight loss, fat loss, working out and eating on plan. But MOST IMPORTANT, March will be learning about falling in love with ME. I'd like to love not just who I am but what I look like in the mirror. And for once, I believe I will get there.