Who Am I?
Thursday, March 03, 2016
I am currently experiencing an identity crisis. I don't know who I am anymore. Just over five months ago I was living in Seattle, working in a call center that was about to close (the department moved to Canada). The lease for my apartment was about to expire and I couldn't afford the new rent. I knew I was going to be out of a job within a few months, so I didn't want to sign another lease somewhere and be stuck. After much discussion, I decided to move to Oregon to be closer to my family, and to stay with my parents until I got a job down here. Unfortunately, my mom is "allergic" to cats, so I was not able to have my babies with me. Luckily, my brother lives fairly close and agreed to care for my cats while I am at my parents.
I expected to find a job fairly quickly and had enough money to cover my personal expenses for about 4 months. Unfortunately, I have not yet been able to find a job, and the job prospects are pretty light in the area where my parents live. Since I don't have a car, and there is no public transportation where we are, I can't commute to a larger city that is an hour away. With every application submitted, every wait for a call, every interview that doesn't pan out, my confidence sinks another notch lower. Add to that my chronic depression and anxiety and things have been pretty shaky.
My parents live in a small town and there are not a lot of people around. I've looked into meet up groups and book clubs in the area, but haven't been able to turn up anything yet. So I sit home and work on my computer, playing games, posting to my blog, and doing a lot of reading. There are days that I don't even get dressed. And the weather has kept me inside most of the time I've been here, though over the past week we are finally seeing some warmer temperatures and a few dry days.
I have always identified myself in 3 ways- by my job, as a blogger, and as a cat mom. Now my blog is suffering because I have nothing to write about, I have no job, my beautiful baby girl kitty died suddenly a month ago (she got really sick), and I only get to see my baby boy kitty a total of 5 days a month if it works out with my brother's schedule. So I really don't know how to define myself now. Who am I without my kitties, without my blog, without a job? At this point the only identity that I can really come up with- that's positive anyway- is bookworm.
I need to figure out who I am again, or create a new identity. The first step is to become active again and maybe create some new virtual friendships until I can find friends locally. So I've re-joined Spark after many years away. I found a virtual book club. I'm changing my blog content to be more book related, since that's what I can talk about. Hopefully all of this will help me to figure out my next steps, and maybe give me back the confidence I need.