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The Baby

Tuesday, March 01, 2016

My entire pregnancy I was a nervous wreck. I blogged on here about how afraid I was. I think I spent my entire pregnancy trying not to be emotionally attached to the being (or parasite as I called her) growing inside of me. I was always exhausted. Always hungry. Always thirsty. Always peeing. I feared giving her all of my worst qualities. I feared she would inherit her father's feet. What if she didn't like me? What if I couldn't take care of her. I didn't have the money for a baby. What was I thinking. My labor hit hard and fast on the 25th of May. Honestly it was so hard and fast all I could do was focus my mind on the pain. And breathe. I vaguely remember kneeling on the hospital bed and being told not to push yet although my body was screaming otherwise. I clearly remember being rushed into a hospital gown and hoping my backside wasn't hanging out while I tried my hardest not to let this baby be born. I was wheeled to my birthing room. The floor was still wet from being mopped. The previous resident had just been booted so I may have the birthing tub. The midwife wasn't there yet. I was on my knees in a warm jacuzzi tub. The lights were kept dimmed. The nurse kept running in and out of the room, M later told me that she was scared the midwife would not make my labor. I kept my eyes closed through contractions and remember opening them asking where she was. It was difficult to track time, but I opened my eyes and she was there. Her name is Neva and in that moment, she was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. Neva asked me if a resident doctor could assist, she explained that they don't often get to see a natural delivery. I was worried the doc was a male, she assured me the resident was a female, so I consented. My labor began at 10:00p, and four hours later at 2:08a I was holding this tiny perfect being that I had been so afraid of. It all happened so fast. She stole every ounce of my heart. Evelyn weighed 8 lbs 3oz. She was 21" long, and the staff all gushed at how perfectly her head was shaped. She has been the center of my life these past 21 months. I adore her more than I could ever put to words. She is so much fun, and I see such a beauty in her. Even if she has her father's feet. I haven't been on Spark much at all. I struggled with breastfeeding. She didn't latch well and my stupid boobs didn't want to work right. I didn't give up though. I supplemented formula and still nursed every chance I could. I still night nurse her, although that will come to a close by her 2nd birthday. Nursing helped me drop so much weight. Until about the 6 month postpartum mark. I was looking great and doing great until then. I have honestly gained about 40 lbs in the past 14 months. That is so embarrassing to admit. But there it is. In black and white. I can not avoid it. Now I need to do something about it. I am back! I am digging the updated app. I am using my fitbit. I am hoping to get healthy again because my daughters deserve a healthy mom. I realized how badly I missed everyone once I started reading blogs and statuses. I hope everyone is well, and look forward to working with you all again!
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  • no profile photo CD8889271
    Loved reading about "the baby" on her 2nd birthday today! How are you doing, health wise? I re-committed to getting healthier on 4/18, so I'm a little over a month in. No time to Spark - I know you know what that's like. So I'm tracking weight loss here, but not really participating in the community aspect.
    1788 days ago
    It is nice to see you are back. I've been trying to come back too. My baby is 10 months. It can be tough with little ones.
    1798 days ago
    She is SO beautiful!!! Much emoticon to you!!
    1841 days ago
    Hello! Congratulations and welcome back! I've been gone also but I need to use the only thing that helped me lose weight: spark people. Friend me on FitBit if you like! I like the challenges :)
    1853 days ago
    Hey! Remember me? I remember you!

    I just had my 2nd baby a few weeks ago and I'm up 40 pounds from my lowest. It sucks but I think I'm ready to get back on track. Luckily I was able to have a vaginal birth for my 2nd (1st was a c section) so I'm cleared to workout whenever I want. Today my goal is to track, weigh and measure my food, even if I don't make great choices.

    1861 days ago
    sounds like it was a beautiful birth experience! My son was induced and my daughter was natural. Both were amazing experiences but the recovery was much easier with natural.
    After I stopped breastfeeding I ballooned in weight too. Childbirth really messes with the body. Don't beat yourself up over it, go for your goals and take it one small step at a time!
    and btw she is beautiful!!!
    1872 days ago
    Welcome back! It is so good to see you. I hope this leg of your journey goes smoothly for you. :)

    emoticon emoticon
    1873 days ago
    Welcome back
    Being a mother is a challenge
    Weight and any depression just sucks and takes your mind and body in a direction you never thought you would be
    Take a step back weather getting warmer so take the baby out and walk yourself slim
    1873 days ago
    emoticon emoticon She is breathtaking! I'm so happy to be able to finish this journey with you.
    1873 days ago
    Congratulations on Evelyn! I can't believe she's almost two! I've missed you lots and lots, and am SO glad to see you back. xoxo
    1873 days ago
  • UNICORN212
    Welcome back! She is so beautiful! She looks so angelic in that photo I am sure she is a little devil when awake! You will have to update us on the family, as well as Evelyn's progress.

    Congrats on a gorgeous daughter!
    1873 days ago
    hey! I missed you!


    she's beautiful :)
    1873 days ago
  • no profile photo ECHANP
    Cute picture of baby..
    1873 days ago
    Add me please I'm new and trying to lose weight
    1873 days ago
    Welcome. She is beautiful.
    1873 days ago
    Welcome back!
    1873 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.