Thursday, January 07, 2016
Well today is the end of week 1 of doing Whole30. I felt like I had a good week until Tuesday rolled around. I know that part of this 30 day experience is to stay of the scale for 30 days. Frankly I just can't do it! One, because I am part of a SP challenge that requires weekly weigh ins and two, I have a love/hate relationship with that damn thing and I just can't stay of it!! I am much better than I used to be. I used to weigh myself daily. Now I am truly just weighing once a week. Anyways, I gained a freakin pound. I know. I know. It's just a pound. It's not the end of the world. But this pound is one of the two pounds that I keep playing with and yo yoing with. I'm starting to get annoyed with myself. I'm tired of seeing the same 2 pounds over and over again.
I'm reflecting on the last week and realizing that I think I subconsciously sabotage myself. I was doing awesome-- up until Tuesday. Then, I'm eating things I shouldn't be eating, even when I'm not truly hungry. So I was awake for over 3 hours tonight with little man I asked myself why? Why do I do this? My answer was- comfort. I think I have a comfort in being this weight. Not a physical comfort because that's just not the case. But I think it's an emotional comfort to be this weight. I haven't been below 220 in at least 8 years if not longer than that. The lowest number I have seen in the last 15 years is probably 210ish. The last time I was below 200 was while I was pregnant with my first and he's almost 18 years old. Even then, I was in the 190s.
I'm rambling... I know! But I think I have an emotional comfort in being this weight. It keeps people from paying too much attention to me. It gives me something to constantly complain about, especially when I try to buy clothes. Part of me thinks that the hard part is not losing the weight but maintaining that loss once I got to where I wanted to be. Part of me knows that losing weight and maintaining is going to be a lifetime struggle. So why not keep doing what I'm doing and stay where I'm at then I don't have to worry about that struggle. Silly, I know!
I need to break my focus on the scale. That number is just a number. It doesn't define me. It shouldn't shape how my day plays out after I step on it. Yes I should continue to weigh myself to keep myself accountable and to know that I am making some progress in the right direction. But I do need to remember to take measurements and progress pictures. Because those measurements are the numbers that I need to focus on. Those are the ones that will truly depict how I'm doing on this journey. The progress pictures are visual of those measurements because who doesn't like a visual? Who doesn't want a before and after photo?
So here they are!