Monday, January 04, 2016
I feel like I need to write my life story to tell you how I've gotten to where I am.But, nobody has the time or attention span to read that. I am starting out the New Year living in Tennessee. Before I moved here I'd never even visited. Things in Ohio for me were really bad and they never improved. I stayed there a in a toxic Marriage because that's what I was supposed to do. Because that's what we are taught right? To work on things. Fix things. I'd just had enough! I made a commitment for better or for worse. Things were never better! I admit I was young and stupid when I said, "I do." The constant criticism was the hardest thing to live with. I don't need that! I'm hard enough on myself. Harder than anybody. (Working on it!)
We had left a concert early. He had that look in his eye that I don't ever want to see again. He seemed to get pleasure out of causing me pain.We pulled in to where we were living. No, not our apartment. We were pretty much homeless staying in a vacant apartment that my dad was working on to lease. We had been evicted from our home of 13 years. I left him right before they sent the eviction notice. I couldn't let him be homeless though. So, I spent every dime I made to try to give us a place to stay.He just refused to work!
Back to that night. I texted a friend and said things were really bad. My friend bought me a Greyhound bus ticket. I still wasn't sure I was going. But I grabbed some clothing my purse and set off in a pair of flip flops toward Downtown Columbus. It was about an hours walk. My ex grabbed my bag of clothing. Now before that happened a Police officer had circled around me 3 times. I prayed this Officer might come back around. He didn't. Ex insisted I get in the car. I told him only if he took me to my dad's. Dad lives very close to the bus station. After he got me there I jumped out of the car and made a beeline toward downtown. It was about 1 a.m. if I am remembering correctly. The area where the bus station was dimly lit. I was more than scared!!! My bus was due there at 2:15. I've never been a risk taker.
They finally called for my bus to line up. As I walked toward the bus I felt like a child asking, "that bus?" I know I looked terrified. The bus driver gave me a nod. I looked back and thought for a split second that I could change my mind. But that if I changed my mind about going things would never be different. I got on that bus in a black rocker chic style dress, leggings and flip flops (and my granny purse).
That was August 26th. I've had my share of struggles since then. But I feel like so much of that hurt, resentment and anger is gone. I have a new job that I really enjoy that was supposed to only be Seasonal but they've offered me a permanent position. So, here I am. In Tennessee. Here on Spark. Working on my health. I feel I'm really going to succeed this time. I'm trying to fix what's broken on the inside. So, maybe, one day I can shine on the outside. Good luck to all of you out there! You can make a change! Changes are hard. I had to muster up all the courage in me to get to this point. I just joined a new challenge here. I weigh 143. My heaviest was 193. To new beginnings!