Today I created a vision board. Something I've been meaning to do. Something that helped me more than you can imagine the last time I was in this place. Except...I've never been in this place before. Before I get to the inside goopy stuff I'm dealing with, here's your stat update.
Starting Weight: 460.6 (1/26/15)
Weight Pre-Op: 437.8 (start of pre-op diet)
Last Week: 381.4
Current Weight: 376.4
Weight Lost This Week: Another 5 pounds!
Weight Lost Since Pre-Op: 61.4
Weight Lost Since Start: 84.2
Total Weight Lost Since Highest: 90.2
So, doing good on the weight loss front. It's a triumph really, especially considering what I'm going through physically and mentally.
Last Week's Goals:
- Make Healthy Choices
For the most part, that's what I'm doing. When there's something incredibly indulgent I want, I have a bite or I eat the best (for me) part. For example, I really wanted Subway the other night. The bread is basically a no-go for my sleeve for right now (and probably ever, honestly), but I really wanted some. So I got a 6 inch sub, took one side of the bun off, ate a few bites of the sandwich with bread and then realized all I wanted was the meat and cheese...so I dropped the bread completely and ate the protein and veggies of my sandwich. I didn't feel deprived, but I honestly had like 2 bites of bread, so I didn't really go off the rails. The same with a burrito I wanted from Taco Bell the other night. I ate the insides out, ate a few bites of the shell and was done. I've been cooking more at home and making good choices with lean protein and healthy veggies to round out most every meal.
- Get Back to Fitness
So I set a 31 Days of Fitness challenge for myself. Which I followed through on until yesterday. Let's be honest, my knee has been so incredibly messed up that I've even gone to the chiro to see if it was just an alignment issue. Basically, the verdict is that the shift in weight has caused my joints to freak out a bit. Because I can't take any NSAIDS, I have to deal with all of the swelling and inflammation that comes with that joint pain. It's been a ROUGH couple weeks and today I'm barely walking. I tried to still do things. Light things. Boxing. Lifting upper body. Crunches. Some standing yoga. EVERYTHING hurts my knee. It's gotten to where driving can be a problem, so I have had to really figure out how important it is for me to do these workouts even when it hurts or let myself heal. I struggle with it daily. Tonight I will either go home and do a circuit of boxing/lifting in the basement with Shane's help (because even though I packed a gym bag, I've determined that is NOT safe for me to do alone right now) or I'll take some Tylenol and rest and ice it. Either way, I love myself for doing what I think is right. It's not laziness, it's attention and care for myself that is leading my decisions.
The KT tape is back!
- Make Happy Plans for the New Year
I'm working on it. I have some trips planned with friends, family, etc. I won't make any race related goals until the knee gets better, though, because right now a mile is as far as I can walk, and that only very slowly with a limp. Not safe. By the end of the year, though, I'd like to be walking 5ks again. Only fun ones though! No time for stress for no reason!
So, all in all, I'm doing the right things and it's paying off.
So now for the goopy mental stuff. This has been rough! One thing no one really talks about is how you can feel completely detached from your weight loss. I don't feel like it's me doing anything. I don't feel any ownership in it. It's a bit of a crappy way to think, I know. I went through this major surgery and I now deal with the struggles that come with that and, yet, I feel like I didn't earn my weight loss.
One thing I learned my last time in this journey is that I'm gym-driven. Some people are food-driven. Others motivated by others. There are a million different ways a person can be motivated. I learned very quickly that I am workout-motivated. In that, I'm not the person who thinks, "I worked out today...I can have this cookie!" Instead, I think, "I worked out today...I don't want that cookie! That will ruin it!" When I'm in the gym, the sweat motivates me. The sweat makes me feel like I'm earning my way there. It makes me a bit self-righteous over my food choices. It makes me stand taller and silly insults bounce right off me. "Ha! You don't even know that I spent an hour in the gym last night while you were sitting on your rump! You can't touch me!" I don't really see any problem with this way of thinking usually...but when you're recovering from major surgery that took you from the gym for several months and now you're returning with a completely different situation...it can be a bit disheartening for my gymrat mind.
You see, when you only eat 700-1000 calories, even though you are NOT hungry and you're eating mostly protein, your stamina can still lag behind just a bit. It could just be the coming back from surgery thing. Or it could be that I'm going to struggle with a bit lower energy for a while. Or maybe the B12 they put me on will kick in and I'll be able to kick this feeling...but last Monday at the gym, I had to finally give in and give up...on strength training! I literally stopped, contemplated the next machine and finally felt that all familiar "body is done" feeling. And I really felt like I hadn't done much. It's been worse the rest of the week while nursing this knee.
So maybe that's one big reason for this disconnected feeling. I've lost 80 pounds...but it doesn't feel like. I've lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks...but I don't feel like I did anything to get there. It's a strange feeling. Trust me, I wouldn't trade in the weight loss...it's just a bit difficult getting used to this disconnected feeling. I'm so used to fighting for very little...and I"m in honeymoon phase of post-op right now where it doesn't take much and the surgery is doing the work for me...I'm sure I'll move past it, but if there's anyone out there considering surgery who is the least bit like me...get ready for these mental hurdles.
All that being said...here's the results of what I have been able to do. I must say, I'm proud to at least be fitting into the gym better!
Goals for next week:
Enjoy the birthday! I'm struggling with this, to be honest. I'm feeling incredibly old. Plus, we won't be celebrating for another couple weeks as we recoup the bank accounts from the Christmas craze.
Drink water! And make healthy choices! I really need to make sure I'm doing these 2 things all the time to give myself the best chance I have at a good outcome!
Do what you can and forget the rest! It's okay to do what you can and then let yourself heal. Don't overwork your knee out of anger or fear. It's NOT worth it!
So here's my reward I will buy after I lose the next 10 pounds. It will be 100 pounds down from my highest and I've ALWAYS wanted a fun pair of workout pants...not just plain black yoga pants.
I am becoming more brave. Even though the knee hurts and it feels weird and I'm losing weight differently this time...I'm remembering what smaller feels like and I remember how good and strong and powerful it can be. Hope to be able to actually feel strong and powerful again soon!
One of my hopes for this year is more peace. I've always beaten myself into submission, but this time I'm trying to be kind to myself and take things as they come and treat my entire self. If the weight is working itself out, then I have the opportunity to enjoy it more and be nice to myself along the way. No more "failure-driven" beatings. More accomplishment pats on the back and moving forward with a lighter heart. I told myself when I set my NY resolution that it was NOT to lose weight...because that WILL happen. It was to do things that help MIND, BODY AND SOUL. I'm treating myself as a whole person...because I am NOT just what I weigh or how much space I take up...and the space I take up could be better used if I go forward with a positive heart and mind.
I've gotten back into my love of fashion and makeup. I'm allowing myself to believe that I have something valuable to add to the world that isn't just related to weight loss. I have been through so much in my life, I should really celebrate my triumph of coming through the other side and being the person I am today and not a sad, bitter, lonely, mean person who is unable to connect with others. Self-respect is key for 2016.
What are your goals for the year?