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A really good question

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

"Basically, I take everything I've ever been told I can't or shouldn't do, and do it anyway."

Lately I feel like I've been explaining my WordPress blog to people a lot. The first few times I stumbled through some wittering rubbish that probably put them right off. Because words out loud are difficult.

But then I polished it up a bit to get the sentence at the start of this post. I think it sums it up pretty well.

People's responses have ranged from "cool!" to "um...okay." to "What, even 'don't put a knife in a plug socket'?". But last week I got a really interesting and thought-provoking response:

"Have you ever regretted the things you've done?"

Well. If we're talking about life in general then heck yes. Regrets ahoy over here. Like you wouldn't believe.

But do I regret anything I've done for this blog?

Not even a little bit.

Don't get me wrong, there have definitely been some uncomfortable moments (did someone say crop top?) along the way. But that's actually good; being uncomfortable forces me to grow.

There were some things I was absolutely certain I would regret. But didn't. In fact I really enjoyed them, learned some stuff about myself, and figured out a way to help fix society. Result.

I don't even regret the responses I've had from people. There have been rants. They've told me they found my posts intimidating. There was one guy who greeted me by repeating the word 'fatty' over and over, getting more aggressive with each repetition, and ending by calling me a 'f*ing stupid girl'.

I do not regret this. In fact, it makes me want to do even more. There's nothing like an extreme reaction to reinforce that what you're doing actually matters. The fact that someone would shout and swear at me simply for calling myself fat, proves that there's a whoooooole lot of work to be done. I'm looking forward to helping with that work!

And that right there is the real reason I don't regret any of this; it has completely changed me.

Even if the me I used to be ever said anything to invoke such a reaction, she would have taken the anger personally and run off to cry in a corner, vowing never to even think of that topic again.

But I never would have said anything. My confidence and self-worth were based so entirely on what other people thought of me, that I tried never to say or do anything that could possibly get a negative reaction.

Really, it's no way to live. Hating my body and everything about it because it didn't fit into the widely-held belief of what a 'perfect body' was, trying to feel better about it by waiting for other people to say nice things about it, or putting it down in the hope that they would argue and say how wonderful I was. But ultimately being disappointed because everyone else is too busy with their own issues to soothe me like a nazzy child. And even if they did say something nice back to me, somehow all I remembered was my nasty comments, not their lovely arguments.

Compare that to last night:

Walking home after choir, my hair had frizzed up in the rain and the wind kept blowing stray bits of it into my face. But instead of thinking "WHY WON'T YOU BE PERFECT, HAIR??" I thought how lovely and soft it felt against my skin.

I was wearing a dress that used to be too big for me. I didn't beat myself up or call myself names for gaining so much weight; I know now that weight has absolutely nothing to do with my worth. Whether I'm a size 6, 16, or 26, I am glorious.

In that moment I felt like I was actually floating on a cloud of body positivity. I could have done absolutely anything.

I regret nothing, except the fact that it took me 27 years to realise just how fabulous I am.

(want to check out my blog? It's here ithinkyoullfindic
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Ditto on the blog thing i got the about page but that was it were there other links?

    I think for me my body positivity actually came from my roommate first, She has a habit of being very blunt. and she would call us both fat regularly without any shame or derision and somewhere along the way I realized fat is JUST a word and the current state of my being. So now I own it I am a fat chick and I am trying to be a healthy fat chick. It was so gratifying one week when me and my roommate were talking about body image and she was like "you know you're beautiful right? people do know that your beautiful? Do I need to tell you this cause others aren't?" and she was so concerned that I have a realistic view of myself I have really opened my eyes to all the beauty within and on the outside of me. Sure I wish my body looked a little bit more like Bey-once's but I'm not her I am me and I too am beautiful. Beauty is not anumber on the scale or a dress size it permeates your soul. emoticon
    2016 days ago
  • FIREFLY4407
    "But ultimately being disappointed because everyone else is too busy with their own issues to soothe me like a nazzy child." Valuable life lesson. Nice job of taking charge of your own path!
    2044 days ago
  • VEG_GIRL04
    Absolutely loved this blog and it inspired me to go read your wordpress. Congratulations on getting to this place in 27 years. While you wish you would have found it sooner - many will never get there. So be proud - you're an over achiever whether you realize it or not! emoticon
    2044 days ago
    Congrats on self acceptance. It is, I think, the hardest thing a person can do. BTW, I tried to visit your blog via the link in your post, but it doesn't seem to work. Copying & pasting into browser didn't work either. Any ideas?

    2044 days ago
    I'm so thrilled for you that you're a quicker study than I. Forty four years of self hatred is way too long. I'm floating on clouds of love for myself now and for you too. Keep on fighting the good fight and never let anyone pull your head out if those clouds. You are awesome.
    2044 days ago
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    2045 days ago
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