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Up and Down and the occasional Disaster

Saturday, November 07, 2015

So, i had a good day where i didn't eat the bad stuff.
Only to fall off the wagon two days later due to getting a bad report at the doctor
and then today my not so darling BF snapped at me from out of the blue because i turned the kitchen light on. (LOL) I just had a moment. let me explain. cause, i don't have anybody else to gripe about my crazy life.

The kitchen has been a thorn in his side since the beginning. and rightfully so, it was put together in a hurry and it showed. The countertops overlapped the extra spaces. The backsplash was uneven, and the cabinets didn't shut properly on the bottom of the doors.

We(he) has spent plus two thousand dollars on new cabinets, paint, tools, paneling, and the solid surface 219" counter-top with seamless sink. I am happy about this and i never; literally never complain. I don't even complain when i should be or have the right to complain. this is mostly cause i have survived somehow (two separate) domestic violence monsters/relationships. So, i don't complain from fear of backlash and eventual oncoming of walking on eggshells.

I do not have to work. He doesn't require much out of me; thank goodness, cause i already suffer from severe depression and PTSD. The S-depression is something I have just learned to live-through. Who knows maybe this the reason that i do not complain.

I got off topic. The kitchen. Between the kitchen and the Lroom there is a 4 x 8 opening with spindles set about a foot apart. I prefer to have a closed off kitchen, I have issues, and don't want anyone seeing me cook either because i think they'll belittle my talents or i will want to talk to my imaginary friends and don't need that disruption from the real world, either. emoticon

So, I have always wanted the opening to be closed. And he bitches about the light being on, which it is on almost 15hrs / day. Anyway, My moment was to say, that he complains about the light being on and he's the one that didn't want the opening closed.
This is probably way to much information to the void/open internet. But, as I said, i don't have anyone to gripe to and i really needed to vent. There was more to it than him raising his voice; and it was all unnecessary and so out of context for him. Of course, i didn't help the situation by turning off the light and getting a flashlight to write something on the calendar. But, for goodness sakes, we are supposed to be adults. I guess, i wasn't either. I'm just pissed off. Cause, i am too afraid to try and figure out the real cause of the situation; in fear of his being eternally(days long) angry at me for trying to help the situation. It's obvious, that it wasn't a light that was bothering him. It was something else, but far be it a man to acknowledge the obvious. Aaaargh. i hate depression and PTSD.
thanks void for listening to me rant.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • LDYSABELLA
    This is a safe place to vent. Everybody needs one
    Big hugs to you.
    1774 days ago
  • DIZZYBRITCHES
    You didn't have a very professional therapist, imo. I am sorry you seem to feel so isolated. I have been treated for depression for decades and my doctor and the right therapist helped me a lot.
    1778 days ago
  • BETH4SUCCESS
    I hope you get some power here and then you can get some face to face support later. You are worth it--take care of you!
    1778 days ago
  • MARINGAL
    Ummmmm, You are in a lot of fear itself. You are afraid what his reactions would be if you tried to figure out why he snapped at you in the first place. Lesson #1. It is HIS problem if he reacts terribly. It is your reaction that is YOUR business. If you don't like what he did, say so. If it is the right way, you don't need to apologize. Stand on your ground. Be an adult. Stop cowering life. Stand up for your rights as an individual and a woman. No man should ever ever ever verbally abuse you. Light bulbs cost cents to turn on. Give me a break!
    1778 days ago
  • no profile photo CD14402600
    You can always come to Spark to unload. Lots of people here that care and are going through hard times too. Sorry you are dealing with depression and PTSD. I was diagnosed with major depression and signs of PTSD a few years ago. I have since been able to get it under control with meds and talk therapy. Better living through chemistry ; ) I think living with someone can be the hardest thing ever! It does sound like your BF has something else going on he would never discuss----male thing for sure ; ) Don't stress about your cooking. We are not all Martha Stewart! I cook because I have to eat ; ) Good luck to you on your weight loss.
    1778 days ago
  • no profile photo CD1460802
    I agree with Musicma---a support group would be great.

    I certainly understand the need to vent. It's so important to have someone to hear you out, let you vent and still love and respect you afterwards. That's the healing power of community!

    Lots of love and light.


    1778 days ago
  • FREESELFROM
    Yes and No. Well, i had a therapist and then she hired me to work for and then she fired me and said she'd call back and never did. That was over a year ago. I don't get out much. I have fears and rightfully so. I've had death threats and that leads to a severe amount of paranoia. I'm somewhat fearless behind the computer screen. However, i never use my real name and I don't even have a current paper trail. Which in turn means that I don't have a job, which that I don't have insurance, which means I don't have a therapist. I visited one of those mental health places where they give you free treatment. But, that was worse than the aforementioned therapist/patient abuse. I appreciate your help and info. But right now is not my time. I have other health ailments that are taking all of my time. And trying to lose weight is just the extra added booger bothering me of late. Thanks again. I don't mean to wallow in my self-pity. It's just hard when you have demons at everyTurn.
    1778 days ago
  • MUSICMA
    Do you have a therapist - there's a very effective treatment with rapid eye movement and PTSS . Also antidepressants can really help. Are there any support groups for women who have experienced domestic violence? You need face to face support.
    1778 days ago
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