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The Kids Are Driving Me Crazy so I Think I'll Blog About My Fat

Saturday, October 31, 2015

So hi. I have a boatload of teenagers in my basement right now, watching scary movies and screaming and giving me a major headache which puts me in a bad mood so I thought, what the heck! LET'S BLOG!!!

I'm gonna shoot it to you straight. I have gained back some of the 55 lbs. I had lost. More than 10, less than 20. Yeah. I ate that. AND that. AND that too. Delicious! Bleh... It was because, my old self came back. I'm no dummy, I knew SHE would return, she always does. Just in time to remind me that I am a lifelong food addict and that it's always gonna be a struggle and I suck at struggling so WHY STRUGGLE???

SHE first came this past summer when I was packing up the house, getting ready to move to our new house. Many hours spent alone, packing up box after painstaking box (-cue the violins-) and I didn't have my snacks/meals planned out. Pizza late at night, take out whenever the hubby would be nice enough to stop somewhere and bring it home and throw the paper sacks on the table. I, myself, thought hmmmm...........Imma see if I can DO THIS, eat bad food while maintaining control of my portions, maybe not eat ALL the fries, hmmmm? Damm you, pizza burgers!

Days, weeks went by. We moved. I was so excited! I finally got the kitchen of my dreams! HEY! I'm a baker and with my new kitchen, just THINK of all the stuff I can bake up! Hey! I've lost a lot of weight and I'm surely not gonna screw it all up by eating too much of this sugary goodness! I've learned my lesson! So, I tried cake after cake, cookie after cookie, pie after pie. At first, I really WAS "good". I would eat one piece, maybe 2, send the rest to work with the hubby or maybe dish it out to the daughter's friends. Sometimes, I'd put the stuff in the freezer, because, honestly.....what kind of a crazy lunatic eats frozen, ROCK- HARD baked goods straight outta the freezer ?!?! (Me. NOT even kidding, my friend. I have also been known to bake something, feel guilty, throw it in the garbage and then quickly grab the top piece out of the garbage and eat it anyway. I am a sick, sick puppy! Just keepin' it real, people.) I digress......

Anyway, SHE was always there. Telling me why stop and one or two pieces? I could feel her taunting me, reminding me that SUGAR is my heroin and I'll never get "well". One little taste and I'm a goner. Such a slippery slope! So, this past summer, birthdays came, our 20th anniversary, hosting new guests in our new home, vacation, family health issues, a flooded basement, stuff happening, blah, blah, blah. LOTS of times to celebrate or not celebrate and EAT! I have never kidded myself into thinking that once I lost all this weight, it would never "find" me again. I knew it would if I slipped up even a little bit. SHE would always tell me, "Screw it, Gina. Life is too short, girl! You should know this more than anyone! Eat the damn cake!" -Side note: I lost my 16 year old son in a car accident 17 years ago and REALLY learned how life is short, let me tell ya, another story for a different day. - BUT, back to my addiction, it's so strong, that, it's very, very hard to get back on track if I slip up a tiny bit. A tiny bit leads to a bigger bit which leads to a BIGGER bit and on and on. I wish it wasn't this way with me, but after 53 years of living in this body, I know it's true. Abstinence is the only way for me, unfortunately.

So here I sit. SHE is by my side telling me she told me so. Indeed, she did. SOOOO..... What am I gonna do about it? For one, I'm not gonna shame myself! I'm too old and tired for the whole shaming thing. Shame is a useless emotion! I WILL pull up my big girl panties, clear up over my head, and march ON! AND I'm still going to work out daily. It seems counter productive, but I really do feel much better and stronger when I keep up with my workouts, even if I overeat. Is this weird? I dunno but I figure ANY movement is better than NO movement. And I'm drinking my water. Lots. The food thing, It's one day at a time with my addiction. Today, I did pretty ok. I stayed on my food plan until I made popcorn for the kids. I was at my food limit already but I ate a bowl of popcorn. Ok, and I ate 2 M@Ms off the floor. So sue me. Now I am drinking tea. IS THIS NOT THE MOST BORING BLOG YOU'VE EVER READ!?!?!- "So she ate a bowl of popcorn, gawwww.....!" I'm just saying that I gotta do this day by day and remember why I decided to get healthy in the first place. Also, remember that it's not a race. This blog will hopefully be a way to keep me accountable for my actions. Wish me luck as I start chiseling away at these extra pounds. Again. This ain't my first rodeo. Thank you for reading.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Oh my goodness, what a great blog! I love your honesty and sass. I am right with you -- I have tried to freeze leftover baked goods, but it doesn't matter -- they are STILL IN THE HOUSE, and I can still get to them, gah! What a cool chicky you are, I like you!

    Also, as much humor as there was in your blog, I am so terribly sorry to hear about your son. I cannot imagine your pain. My heart goes out to you, friend. Thank you for sharing.
    1321 days ago
    Oh Gina! Your SHE and mine are twins! You're soooo entertaining, saying it how it is! I love your writing style. Isn't it all just a tragicomedy, all the fuss about eating and not eating, we just keep moving, and laugh about our ingrained inability
    1467 days ago
  • SJM1027
    OMG, Your blog is priceless! I think your SHE and my HE are related, maybe brother and sister. I lost it with the M&M's on the floor, you actually told that story :) Seriously, your blog outlines my lifestyle to a tee. Same thoughts, same awareness to what your doing but can't control your actions. Go figure, we are all intelligent people here... why does a silly thing like sugar or carbs take our minds over and make us do thing against our will... or is it against our will, who knows... I lost 291 pounds 4.5 years ago and have gained back 65 pounds... I can see it slowly come back after my daughters wedding... That was the reason I wanted to lose and BOY did I reach my goal... No surgery just hard work for 3 years... I can't believe I am slipping. That's why I am back and starting to become active here again. I appreciate you being so honest and opening up to everyone. That's a great start.
    Thank you,
    1711 days ago
    Hey SHE and my SHE would be good friends! We're back in this friend! Let's do it!
    2021 days ago
  • no profile photo CD15145828


    I totally relate to that other "she" who so easily dictates the eating life I feel I want to put behind me for good.

    This is what I have been thinking lately: maybe, like an alcoholic, there are some people who are, say, candy addicts. I wonder out loud, to myself as much as you, if maybe abstinence would be the only way to "make it work" for the long haul. In my flesh I think it's a horrible idea because candy is so important to me, but I have to truly consider what I am willing to sacrifice, for the greater good of my body. I'm not quite sure what it is, yet.

    Hugs to you, sweet Gina, I love your transparency and you are a great writer!
    2022 days ago
    If you change the number to 58, I sure could have written this sentence: "I wish it wasn't this way with me, but after 53 years of living in this body, I know it's true. Abstinence is the only way for me, unfortunately."

    And no, this blog was not at all boring! You are vivacious and funny, and thanks to that boatload of annoying teenagers in your basement, we were treated to this lively account. Good luck in lassoing in that wild pony!
    2024 days ago
    working out helps you with more than just weight loss, it's good for you regardless! keep on truckin' spark mama!
    2024 days ago
    I'm sitting here eyeballing a warm-from-the-oven pan of brownies DH made trying to convince myself that I can eat only one. SHE keeps telling me that, but I KNOW it to be a lie. emoticon
    2024 days ago
    I just bought the Beck book. I think it might help you too. This is a great blog. NEVER give up on you!!! Spark on.
    2025 days ago
    please keep writing so I can deduct calories from my laughter for tomorrow too! I have my eye on a mini snickers bar! 😂😂😂😂
    2025 days ago
    you crack me up! I am sure Iost the calories that I ate sneaking food (French fries!!) off of my sons plate tonight!! Win-loss-win! God Bless your journey!
    2025 days ago
  • ZRIE014
    nice. have a nice weekend.
    2025 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2025 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6059032
    Mine either Sister! Got to keep moving forward! I love your honesty 👏
    2025 days ago
    Awesome blog! I had a bad eating day today and even though I'm mostly straightened out and ready for tomorrow, this helped me turn off the whine and turn on the sass. Thanks!
    2025 days ago
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