I want to be strong
Monday, October 19, 2015
I want to be strong. For one day at least. I want to make the plan, make the needed changes, and just get one day under my belt. Why can't I? ME!!!! My mind seems to be self sabotaging my goals i've set. It tells me daily i'm hungry, I need that, I want that, I'm too tired to exercise, you know the drill. You've probably had that same moment or ten when you feel like you've let you down. Well i've had a lot of those moments. Truth? I can't seem to fight the demons in my head. I want it all now, I want to those results, I want what so many have had, that aha moment. But it just isn't coming. I won't let it. What is the fear i'm so afraid of? What is the reason? Why do I try so hard, or hardly try? These are the questions I must figure out for myself. Nobody can bring me to that aha moment, you can't be led there, but you can keep pushing yourself until it makes some sort of sense. I just need to keep pushing. I've even thought of going to the doctors for some weight loss drugs. Just to get my mind going in the same direction as my body, who knows maybe it is time to stop thinking and start doing. I can't continue on this path of self destruction forever. It just won't do. I need to begin taking care of me. I need to get off these cholesterol meds, I needs to get off the fluid pills. I need and I need but I don't do anything to change it.
I guess the real question is why don't I feel like I deserve the same happiness as anyone else on this journey? I let myself down for so many reasons, what is the one reason I need to pick myself up and move forward instead of backwards? These questions I must work on and answer when the moment is right. Right now I could say all kinds of things but the truth is I don't know the answer. I guess inside I have hidden factors that need to come forward and out. And why do I feel I can't be happy at my present weight? I mean really Michelle is it that bad, not being able to move properly, having your muffin top ride up under your boobs all the time, being out of breath from so little exersion, sleeping the day away when there is so much to be done around here, or that over bloated feeling you get when you go to bed and the heartburn sets in because you have ate yourself into ablivion? All of this isn't just mindless thinking, this is all things I experience on a daily basis. Anyone would want to get moving and take some of this crappy feeling away, so why can't I?