Whoa i'm up two pounds this week. Why? Well that is what happens when you totally throw your goals out the window, and just eat for the shear pleasure of eating. But truthfully
I felt and feel like this
So why didn't I stop after the first binge? Hell that would of meant I couldn't have all that crap I ate, that would of meant I was finally deciding to take care of myself, that would of meant.....I could go on and on with that but I won't. What I will do is this...........Get up and move this week, plan better, eat better, and lord help me I will track better. I don't want to go to bed with that sick feeling every night. Not just from the food I ate, but from the mind games it leads to. You know the ones, "i'll never reach my goal" "your so fat and lazy" " you have no will power" "your just a pig", Harsh words? You bet, but i won't lie to you i've used them all this past oh three years or so. But truthfully I think this past month i've used them more and more.
I think it is time to focus on why I do these things to myself. Not the it's already done phase, but the don't do it phase and the reasons for not doing. I have left that part out and go straight for the it's done phase and then I berate myself for my lack of will power or self care. Why is it we hurt the ones we love the most? Shouldn't I if I love myself not hurt myself? I mean let's face it Michelle the heartburn alone should be enough to make you quit. But I have this fear inside. What if I can't enjoy certain things anymore? I mean I want to be able to have chips, pizza, cake, diet drinks, cookies, candies, ice cream, and well you see where this is going. The thing is all that i'm so afraid to give up is what has gotten me to be forty pounds overweight. I don't want that hungry feeling in my stomach, you know the one....the ache from emptiness, I don't want that until I can work out my menu that works for me. I don't want the sugar lows that come from eating differently. Oh sure if I chose correctly I wouldn't have those, but here in lies my problem for today.....I don't plan well and I don't follow guidelines well. I mean if I did would I be here right now, putting this all out there for many to see? Nope I would thin, happy, at goal, running marathons or some such crap.
I don't by any means want to make this a joke, because right now it isn't funny from where i'm sitting. I have been here done that, I know what to do, but to be honest I have to begin from scratch...because all that I had gained is gone. Not the weight the strength. i'm weak not only in the stomach department but in the exercise department. The woman that did three five k's last year, well she doesn't live here anymore. The woman here now, she hardly can walk a mile.
What do I want from this journey? From this gain this week? Heck I want to reach some goals, I want to see changes in myself that I can be proud of, not changes I have to hide behind bigger shirts and pants.