Reset day 102: Throwing in the towel
Thursday, September 10, 2015
I had an awesome time at the women's retreat. There was horseback riding, kayaking, shooting, meditation, crafts, spiritual workshops, bonfires, hayrides and of course our annual game of musical chairs which always has everyone laughing like little kids. What an awesome experience.
Downside? Treats. Treats were everywhere. It seemed everyone baked something to bring as a treat, not to mention the little bags of chips, candy and other stuff floating around. Top that off with late nights, chatting, laughing and eating. I completely lost control.
Upside? The place for meals was about a quarter mile walk - uphill! So at least I walked before and after my meals!
Once I got home, I kept up my bad habits. I had my son on Monday. I had no groceries in the house (I usually shop on Saturday) so it was eating out. Tuesday I felt crappy from all the junk I ate. I went shopping and got lots of fruits and veggies for the week.
Yesterday I ended up home with the plumber fixing my leaky shut off valve. It ended up taking the whole day. Between the city needing to shut off the water, the plumber fixing the problem, the city turning the water back on AND replacing meters... they completed the job around 2:30. Not exactly how I wanted to spend a vacation day or spend a couple hundred dollars!
Upside - I got a long walk in with the dog and completed some things at home that I had been putting off.
Tomorrow it is a road trip to Cleveland for the weekend. Work followed by rushing the dog to the kennel by 6pm and then hitting the road. More eating out, more difficult choices, more fitness challenges. Heading home on Sunday, only to return to work on Monday.
Somehow I managed to meet my 12,000 daily step goal. Not sure how, but I managed to do it! Some days were a real challenge. It is the one thing that I am somewhat obsessed about doing. Not sure it is for the right reasons, but I am doing it! I am patting myself on the back for that.
However, I feel like crap. I have been so busy the month of August and September seems to be following in its footsteps. I am tired. Some days I am exhausted. I have no energy (probably because I have been eating crappy things). I feel emotional and mentally tired and exhausted too - even after the retreat. I am looking forward to September 26 - my first day with NO plans! I am declaring it MY DAY! However I fear something will come up and snatch it away!
I just want to throw in the towel, curl up on the couch and pull the blankie up over my head. I don't want to get 12,000 steps in. I don't want to walk the dog. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to leave my house! I just want a couple days home to myself. No interruptions, to do nothing if I choose (but I probably won't).
I know this too will change. These feelings will leave. Everything changes. However, I am so far from that girl who was saying she was a rock star. I forgot how that felt. I want to feel that again, but I don't have the energy or desire to do the work that brought on that feeling!
Which brings me to commitment..... I am not a quitter. However, I am finding out it is much harder to keep a commitment when you do a crappy job than if you work hard. Lately, I have been doing a crappy job. My heart hasn't been in it. I haven't been putting in the effort I know I can. When I check in on SP I read people blogs about the workouts they are doing or the foods they are eating and instead of feeling motivated, I feel defeated. I COULD do that too, but I'm not. I've been taking the steps hoping the rest of me will catch up, but it seems the gap is getting larger!
And that brings me to my virtual walk and life on the PCT. I am at mile 1,333.1 - a mere 10 miles from the halfway point! There have been days of desert heat, steep uphill climbs, rocky paths, snow covered trails, icy streams to cross, no showers, digging your own toilet in the frozen ground and it seems endless...... but then you turn the corner and you see that amazing vista, or those wildflowers on the trail, or some trail angel greets you with a hot meal or ice cold water and you know you are doing the right thing and it is all worth the effort. Some days are so tough that you need to reach out to a fellow hiker for their hand, or follow in their footsteps because you don't have the strength to make your own. It's amazing that they are always there willing to lend a hand, because they know the test of the journey! (Hmmmm, think Spark Friends) They encourage you to continue on. In an instant you are grateful that you didn't quit 5 minutes ago when it seemed so insurmountable!
Sooooo, on I plod, one foot in front of the other, far from my goals, reaching out to the experienced travelers for strength and hope, searching for my resolve. I know it's in there somewhere...... so I will keep searching.