I used to think a fresh start in weight loss only happened after you have undone all of your hard work. Yes, each day is a new chance to get it right... but sometimes you are so far down the rabbit hole you can't seem to do anything right. I have seen people on this journey (on spark and in real life) lose a bunch of weight only to gain it all back... and it truly is heartbreaking. Some people can not understand how someone can lose so much weight, feel so great, become so healthy and let it all slip away. But I can definitely say that I completely understand it. In fact, I would venture to say that could have very easily been me.
I have said this a bunch of times, but it's still true, I lost 40 pounds 3 times to gain it all back plus more. On this particular journey I have been down as far as 90 pounds down, and I sitting here currently 20 pounds up from my lowest (23 if we count my super low mini moment). I vowed to NEVER go back to Twoterville after leaving it for Onederland in 2013. I got to the boarder a bunch of times before turning it back around. But this time I kept going past the boarder... I was 202, and Wednesday I saw 204. That is the moment it hit me.
THIS is how people gain back all their weight.
They don't gain back, 40, 50, 100 pounds overnight. Of course not... but it is a gradual decline. With each pound gained, tighter pants, uncomfortableness, the sense of defeat really starts to get to you. That nagging voice in your head that likes to be negative whispers "I knew you couldn't keep the weight off". The more the weight creeps up, the more you start to believe that nasty voice. The more you start to realize that maybe you are just destined to be fat and are fighting a losing battle.
I can totally understand how 20 pounds regained can turn into 50. I had gained back 10 pounds a couple times and always got them back off. Then this time I gained back 15, okay 15 isn't great but I will fix it... well 204 marks 20 pounds of regain. Yep, the big 2-0! Let's just say that was enough to put the fear in me. I am currently sitting at a crossroads, I truly feel it in my heart. I am at that moment where I either throw in the towel, and admit defeat... and let my weight reach an all time high... Or I get feisty, I put on the big girl panties, and I get this weight off!
I have often said I do not have the strength in me to lose 70, 80, or 90 pounds again. I do not have the strength or perseverance to do this journey from scratch. It has been done by others, who have lost that weight a 2nd, 3rd or even 4th time, and for that I commend them. But for me it was such a fight to do it the first time, that I don't ever think I could do it again. The only way I can make sure I don't have to do it again is to not let it get to that point.
Wednesday was day 1 of Volume 2 of my journey. Was it perfect? No, but I went back to the basics. I tracked everything, avoided fast food, and got my water in. That was good enough. Mentally it feels as though I am starting over... I feel defeated, I feel fat, I feel unhealthy, achy and I feel like I've lost a tiny bit of confidence in terms of my ability to lose this weight. I know how to do this, and I've been doing it over 3 years, but there is that doubt in my mind. That negativity creeps up as the scale does, and as the scale goes down the voice will get quieter as well.
So if you are fighting regain, 5, 10, 50, 100+ pounds, or if you've regained everything and some extra, it is never too late for a fresh start. Wherever you are at, you can stop the gain now, and get things going in the right direction. I'm ready. Wednesday was day 1 of Volume 2, but Thursday marks day 1 of my 21 day Sugar Detox. I'm aiming for a 30 day sugar detox (and beyond), and maybe this time I'll get it right. But as long as I am putting one foot in front of the other and working to get out of Twoterville, then I am happy. I will lose the 20 pounds I have gained, and then I will work on getting to 165ish! I am ready to fight the good fight.