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Anxiously Awaiting

Monday, July 27, 2015


Thursday is a day that could alter everything.

And I'm freaking the heck out over it!

Once we switched our insurance, I called up the surgeon's office and asked if I could go ahead and get my consultation with the surgeon. That consultation is scheduled for 8am this Thursday.

I have to say that I'm nervous. Not about the surgery, really. But a bunch of other things.

* I'm nervous it won't work out again. What if I got all my info wrong and I go in and they say "You did this all wrong, you have to go back to the start?!" I mean, I'll do it, but I will be absolutely heartbroken...and at some point, after getting pushed back time and again, I might decide to give up.

* I'm nervous something else won't work out. I won't pass a pre-op test or I won't seem like a good candidate for whatever reason.

* I'm afraid I won't lose enough weight. Because I have so much to lose, I still have a VERY long road ahead of me, even with surgery. Most people get surgery and a year later are pretty close to goal. I have 2-3 years of fighting to get there. Again, I know I can do it, I just need to be ready for that and I'm still nervous I'll mess it up.

* I'm afraid I'll gain it all back. This isn't too likely considering the failsafes in place put there by the surgery, but it's always a real concern. It does happen. I have to make it NOT happen. Ever.

* I'm afraid I won't like being skinny. There. I said it.

* I'm afraid I'll lose the love and support of people who don't understand why I needed this. There's still sucha stigma attached top this surgery. Why? There's not a stigma attached to other surgeries that are tools to help people live healthier lives. There's no stigma attached to pacemakers. (I don't even know if that's the best example, but you get what I mean.)

* I'm afraid of recovery. I can't imagine it hurting any more than I already do...but it might.

* I'm afraid of the liquid pre-op and post-op diets. Because I will lose my crap if I don't put my head in the game. I just have to remember - I did Whole 30 TWICE! I can totally do this!

* I'm afraid of the saggy skin. I'll cross that bridge when I get there. I'll save up. I'll get it removed or I'll learn to live with it. But it's still really crazy to think about.

* I'm nervous about becoming, basically, anorexic. What if my body doesn't respond well? Surgery patients take in 400-800 calories post-op during the losing phase. Everything we've all read about weight loss says that isn't healthy, but this surgery has worked for so many people in that way. (This is one I'm certainly going to talk to the surgeon about.)

* I'm nervous about going under. Last time I had surgery I ended up needing to be intibated (I think that's what it's called) because I was having troubles breathing. The throat pain was horrible for a few weeks following!

* I'm nervous that I have to stop taking my pain medication for my foot/ankle. Because NSAIDs aren't good for people going under the knife, I doubt they'll let me continue much longer. I don't know what that will mean for my healing.

* I'm anxious about not working out for like 6 weeks. I'm growing used to it again. I love the feeling it gives me. It's going to suck not going to the gym and having that regular routine to build upon. I'm going to have to build my habit again. (On the upside, I will be allowed and encouraged to walk a lot. I'll try to keep that as my daily exercise.)

More than anything, I'm worried that what happened before will happen again and I'll get my hopes up only to be dropped on my butt without any help for the future. Let's hope and pray that doesn't happen! It's been 30+ years! I'm ready for a lifelong solution and I'm ready to put the work in to get there.

I think I'll start a post-op bucket list. Things I've always wanted to do but couldn't or was too afraid of because of the weight. Maybe that will help me focus myself a little better and let the butterflies out. Otherwise...I'm exhibiting signs of someone with restless leg syndrome for the duration... ;)
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo CD4764832
    I think you are doing the right thing. We all need to seek out what ever helps get us to the next step in our lives. All the tough things you have done in your life, give birth, get married, finish school, get up and face the day everyday, were probably pretty scary at first, but you did them and survived, just like you will this. All your concerns are valid, you are human, but strong. Don't stop fighting!!
    2109 days ago
    Please breathe.

    From what you have shared in your blogs, you are one of the most well-read, prepared people I know in regards to this surgery.

    I'm excited for you! Think of all the possibilities that lie ahead! You will be gaining a new life - a second start - so many people don't get this. You are LUCKY!

    Lastly, remember that great love (in this case, self love) involves great risk - and you are so worthy of the risk!

    Be well!

    ~Irish emoticon
    2109 days ago
    Oh, I know I'm doing the right thing. I cannot do this alone. I have tried countless times. The last time I lost 170 pounds by myself and my body could not do any more than that and started to crack under the pressure. I need this tool to get me closer to where I want to be for the rest of my life. It doesn't mean I don't have healthy fears and anxieties about the whole thing.
    2109 days ago
    My recommendation is to find out why you eat (binge) in the first place. Do some inner soul searching work. Learn what makes you tick before you do something like surgery. You need to know why you are obese in the first place and learn how to eat in the future by facing your past. Good luck!
    2110 days ago
    Perhaps you need to take a sheet of paper and make 2 columns. On one side put your fears as listed here, and title that column POSSIBILITIES. Then on the other side put all the things that will happen if you don't have the surgery and label it PROBABILITIES. Which one can you live with over the other? The possibilities are only maybes, with lots of other equally-likely possibilities. The Probabilities are the things that you have now and that are likely to get worse if you don't have the surgery. Perhaps that perspective will help ease your mind - or at least make you feel more sure you are doing the right thing by going ahead. Best wishes to you!
    2110 days ago
    Best of luck to you!! emoticon
    2110 days ago
    It's overwhelming but it will be ok - good luck
    2110 days ago
  • ERIN1128
    You can do this! Good luck!
    2110 days ago
  • no profile photo CD10795864
    Good luck!
    2110 days ago
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