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It's All a Hot Mess

Friday, June 05, 2015

As my kids tell me...if you're going to be a mess...at least you're hot! *lol*

All weekend I had a sore throat. I pushed through it and accomplished a LOT. Had a good walk into work on Monday. Noticed my legs are carrying me better again. Was feeling good.

Slept pretty much ALL of Tuesday and Thursday thanks to a brilliantly timed sinus infection. *sigh*

Tuesday I get some annoying texts from the ex...which I ignored and promptly fell back asleep...and then I get one about how he tried to surprise me at work but security wouldn't let him through... OMFG! I texted back to tell him I'm asleep in bed and very sick. He says okay and he's sorry...and then drops by my house to drop things off including a single rose and a care package of soup and a candle. *sigh* Here we go again.

Wednesday I was still in bed and still getting texts and still ignoring them. And apparently he had a dozen roses delivered to my office, which my coworker texts me about at some point and asks what I think he should do with them and do I want him to put them in water for me. My head hurts!

So this is the mess I'm in now.

I met with him yesterday after work to hear him out.

He's changed.
He gets it.
It's all going to be different now.

I have no idea what to do with my life...I was doing so well and starting to finally heal...and now this...and I have no clue what to do with myself or with my life.

I devoted 20 years to trying to make this work. And then I laid everything bare and said "This is it. Last chance. Take it or leave it." And he walked away and said some awful things...and I gave myself permission to finally let go. And now he's asking for yet ANOTHER chance. And I want to say no, but I feel like I shouldn't and I am super confused and my head hurts and I want to go back to the happiness I felt on Monday.

So that's where I am right now.

And another guy keeps texting me as well. And he's nice and all. But I told BOTH of them I'm not ready to be in a relationship. And men are annoying and pushy and needy. And I want to do me.

Is that wrong?

I just want to do me right now.

I need a drink!

Upside? I weighed in yesterday for my weekly check and lost 8 pounds...probably thanks to the illness. Let's hope I can maintain that for the next couple weeks and I'll have a solid win for the second month in a row. I'm working hard on making myself happy, and that includes healthy food and wellness.

I order more salads.
I get dressing on the side and don't use it all.
Last night I ordered ice cream with the kids - my crutch when there is stuff going on with the ex...but after a few bites I realized I was done with it and I just stopped eating it. I didn't need it. I had a bit and let it go. And that's a huge win right now.

Today, I'm going to get a doughnut. This is already planned out and I'm saving my calories for it. It's a fun lunch trip with a coworker to clear my head and have a little fun. And I like having silly things like that to do. And I'm glad I know how to adjust to make things like this possible (because they won't be after surgery).

Graduation tonight. Busy day ahead. I'm in a fog of sinus congestion and confusion. Life never gets easier, does it?!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo CD14927538
    Hugs! Focus on yourself and what makes you HAPPY. If he adds stress to your life, it's just not worth it! Hope you're feeling better and the coming week is a good one for you!
    2160 days ago
    umm.. my 2 cents - take it or leave it.

    Our stories sound similar, gal. I finally drew my line in the sand, and stood up. I got the "this time it's different" but didn't fall back into that again - said "if it's different, it can be different on my terms. I am going to still live alone, and we can revisit this in 6 months."

    I continued to focus on me, and I got to a better place. Flash forward to the 6 month mark - Found out that I could be friends, but so did not want to take on his issues. Felt lonely a lot during that time, and learned I was ok with that too. I'd rather be lonely ALONE than lonely in a relationship (hope you got that)

    Flash forward one year - Things only changed for a few months, and old patterns began to emerge. He didn't do the work, and didn't invest in "us". Remained friendly, for the kids, etc, and went forward in my life

    Flash forward 10 years - I'm happy - he's not. He's in the same place, and I've grown immensely.

    Point is - regardless of whether you get back together or not - take the time to heal yourself AND to see if he can "walk the walk". You will always be tied together because of your kids, so there is NO reason you have to make a final decision right now. Take the time. Invest in yourself. The $$ may be hard for two households - so what? Money is only money - but YOU are worth every penny it takes to make yourself healthy on all levels.

    So dang proud of you for taking care of yourself!

    Be Well!

    ~Irish emoticon
    2161 days ago
  • ERIN1128
    Hang in there!
    2161 days ago
    I agree that if you want to do you right now, that's what you should do. It'll be better for you and your boys as well if you are healing and happy, whatever you decide. I would definitely talk it through with your counselor as well, they can help you to see more clearly what you want and need.

    Hope you are feeling better! I'll be thinking of you!
    2161 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4764832
    You should do you right now, period. I get it, he is the father of your children, you spent 20 years of your life with him, you love him, I have been there. Great topic to discuss with your counselor. They can see beyond the heart and help you understand the head! Keep up all the great work! You are important!!!

    2161 days ago
    I don't think it's wrong to do you at all. If that is what you want, then do it. You are finally putting yourself first and doing things for you, that's important! You are in charge of your happiness now, and if doing you is what is making you happy, do it. He can keep sending flowers and texts, and you can decide what you want to do with them. Do you and do what makes you happy!! emoticon
    2161 days ago
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