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A Difficult Weekend

Monday, May 18, 2015

Well, at least I learned one lesson this week - I am not ready to come off my meds yet. I forgot to take my medicine on Saturday and by Sunday my body was threatening one of the worse panic attacks on record. Too much anxiety and stress right now. Still barely holding it together. I once heard that it takes half the life of the relationship to get over the relationship...if that's true I can just kiss my life goodbye! 10 years of this crap?! I don't think I can manage that.

Yesterday I sat down with the ex and wrote up a parenting plan for the summer. Those weeks when I don't have the kids are going to be TORTURE. I really hope I'm back on my feet (literally) by then so I can work out a lot and forget how quiet it is without them hanging about.

I also had to take my oldest up to the city yesterday to meet up with his new girlfriend. Don't get me wrong, on the one hand I'm thrilled for him. The last girl he liked is 18, a senior, and toys with his emotions like crazy. This one is 14 (to his 15) and likes him just as much as he likes her. They talk via text or facetime almost daily. He's much happier now than when he was pining after the 18 year old. Still...it reminds me of the beginning of my relationship with my ex and just brings up some regrets. I just want him to be happy and I want this relationship to run a natural course, whatever that is, and turn out better than mine did.

I feel completely inept at giving relationship advice to my kids anymore beyond "Don't do what I did." I did have a realization yesterday that when Logan was chasing that other girl, he was living out my life...I could never understand why he wanted someone that didn't want him back...and now I realize that I did that for nearly 20 years. It's sad when our kids repeat our mistakes and we don't even realize it until much later. He's in a much better place now. Talking to him the other day in a heart-to-heart he did tell me that he's a bit relieved about the separation and pending divorce because he was tired of all the fighting. We all agree that things are much more peaceful, even if just a little (LOT) sad right now. There haven't been any big fights in a month and the kids actually seem a lot better. Again, I still cry way too often and I get sad and quiet a lot, but I'm working on that and maybe one day it won't hurt as much.

One great thing I did yesterday was spend last night cooking lunches for the week. I tried to cook for 4 days...I ended up with complete lunches for 3 days and one day without protein, so I'll need to fix that somehow...chicken doesn't go as far as it should when the fat is cut off and then it's cooked. I'll have to remember that for next time. So each day I have a cup of broccoli (baked in the oven), about 1/4 to 1/2 a cup of carrots (boiled on the stove and then left to sit in a little butter and brown sugar), 1/2 cup of rice (plain) and 4 oz of chicken cooked on the stovetop (it just seemed easiest). I also have yogurt and granola for my morning snacks, apples for a sweet snack and we got some crunchy snacks in our Love with Food box this month that will fill out the snack options. Oh, and I bought a watermelon I intend to cut up tonight and portion into containers as well! YUM!

So, no excuses for lunches this week. Again, tomorrow's lunch will be off because I won't be in the office, but I'll try to come up with a healthy option somewhere.

Dinners for the week might include:
Tacos
Hot dogs, hamburgers (I have veggie burgers) and chips
Skillet Pasta
Stuffed Peppers
Salmon and Roasted Vegetables

So, I'm doing better at planning. And following through. Hopefully I can keep it up!

Walking is getting a bit better. I still get really sore if I push too hard, but I'll keep monitoring that as I go and just try to get better - quicker, stronger, and longer walks will mean more improvements.

This week is pretty full. Have a home visit for job #1, then I have to rush home to finish some stuff for a gallery viewing tonight for one of my seniors. Tomorrow I will be at the other office getting stuff done on a grant application and then have a meeting in the afternoon. More editing that night to prep a print order (I hope...if I can sell the family tonight on a good print package - they're already looking into grad cards). Wednesday I have a dinner with coworkers (the kids will be gone, I'll be ready for a drink and good company). Thursday is my official monthly weigh-in at the doctor's office and my 5th monthly visit in a row. Nearly halfway there. Need to step up my weight loss game! (For those thinking I'm pushing too hard on my goals, just know that I have no control over these goals - they are set by my insurance company for consideration for my surgery. I either meet them or I don't get the opportunity to get the surgery. Period.)

And then this weekend:
Family photo shoot
Japanese son leaves for Hawaii trip
Senior mini session
LOTS of editing, cleaning, etc.

Will I ever have time to paint my room?! *lol*
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • LULULUCY
    Those meds can be a saviour, they sure picked me up! I don't buy for a second that old adage about needing half the time of the relationship to get over it -- I think there will always be that little bit of you that has residual feelings, but you are such a strong and amazing woman -- just imagine how strong and amazing you are going to feel when 20 years of someone undercutting you is washed away! You'll be able to accomplish ANYTHING.

    xo
    2177 days ago
  • VICKYMARIEC
    I was with my exhusband for 10yrs. It took about a year to "get over" him. It really depends on you. Im being honest. If you forgive him and yourself for the failed marriage it lifts that load. There are still times that i get angry and blame him and we've been divorced since 2008. I hated when ppl would tell me that it gets easier...i thought LIARS. But really it does get emotionally easier.

    Here's a biggie...if you two ever try to work it out...do NOT sleep with him. Sex clouds rationale. And until things have been discussed it will just mess with your emotions even more.

    I don't know why you're divorced, or what caused the tear, but forgiveness does a world of wonders. Its hard but its necessary.
    2179 days ago
  • ARUNNINGKAT
    Stay strong, girl! You are moving ahead in some wonderful ways, but I know the pain is still very intense. Take care of yourself! emoticon
    2179 days ago
  • ERIN1128
    Glad Logan is doing better! And that you're hanging in there. I think for those weeks this summer (and the days now) when you don't have the kids, you should try to focus on scheduling workouts, meetups with friends, and YOU time. :-)
    2179 days ago
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