Friday, May 15, 2015
Yesterday was hell. Plain and simple. Big fight with the ex. He has since informed me that he is basically over me and that no one will ever love me. (He's a real gem, isn't he ladies?!)
Thank goodness I had a counseling session and talk with my Mom to talk me out of believing him. Because, honestly, even if I am all alone for the rest of my life, that would be so much better than the torture of being with someone AGAIN who is incapable of loving me in the way I deserve.
My counselor knows the situation better than anyone. She has been both my individual counselor and our marriage counselor. And she saw me through the worst of it and heard him throughout the past year. And she has admitted to me that even though she is the biggest proponent of marriage and staying together and, in most cases, against divorce, she agrees with my conclusions in this case. She actually echoed my mother in telling me that I deserve better...and I'm worth asking for that.
We spent our session writing out a pro/con list of everything this is going to mean for me and my life and the kids...and when it came down to it, even though I am risking everything by doing this, at the very least it is HONEST...for once...and finally. I have been in two tragic relationships in my life with men that I made excuses for and hid to the world that I was unhappy because I wanted to protect them from the backlash and I wanted to protect myself from the shame of knowing the truth - these men can't love me. Twenty years with my father. Twenty years with Shane. I'm done with that road. So maybe I will be alone all my life. That's fine. Because it's honest. I've been alone WITH them for 34 years. At the very least this is the most honest I have been with myself and the rest of the world. And if I ever do decide to date again, I will ONLY accept people I don't have to chase who don't need convincing and who are capable of loving me in the way I deserve - fully and without reservation.
That being said, I slept like hell last night so even though my heart feels a little better, my head and body hurt like nothing I've known! My legs and foot hurt from walking a little too fast out of anger.
How did I eat yesterday? I don't care.
I survived yesterday.
THAT is my victory. And I am completely 100% happy with that.
Today and tomorrow and next week are another story. Yesterday was about survival.
So, plan for the weekend/next week. I need to go grocery shopping because we have NOTHING at the house. *lol* Even my youngest said yesterday, "OMG! We need food, Mom!" (It was a rough first part of the month adjusting to one salary and with car troubles. This part of the month should be a teeny bit better and then it will just improve from there.)
So, grocery shopping. I will be planning health(ish) and budget-friendly dinners for:
Sunday and Wednesday are HIS days. Saturday is a choir concert and Thursday is a band concert, so we'll have to grab something quick those nights.
I WILL be prepping my lunches for the week on Sunday. I plan to make up 4oz of chicken breast for each day, some steamed broccoli, maybe some cooked carrots, some brown rice, etc. I'll buy some containers and have my lunches ready to go for the week. I'll also purchase some fruit for snacks and desserts. I may decide to make up some sort of special healthy dessert for the week, but I haven't decided on that yet. I just need to have something diet-friendly to curb my sweet tooth.
I'll also need lunches for tomorrow and Sunday, so I'll probably treat those like our dinners and then we'll grab something quick that evening.
I'm still hoping to be down that last 2 pounds by Thursday, my official weigh-in for the month. Wish me luck!