Ugh, I am ...... enough AND able...really, I AM!!!
Thursday, May 07, 2015
Did I ever say I am obsessed about numbers? Seems natural that I would be drawn to a career that involved numbers. And then, there are those personal numbers.... weight, size clothing, calories, time it takes to walk a mile, how many miles walked at one time, number of steps on the fitbit.... you get the picture.
Well, after vacation, I was pleased to see the number on the scale moved in a downward direction... then I returned home and struggled with time management, stress, and getting back on track - at work and home. My healthy eating habits, well those numbers were not where they should have been - which caused the numbers on the scale to climb - which caused me to feel stressed, dejected and frustrated. There was eating out - and there was acting out - and there was just plain old tired.
Tuesday I went to the grocery store after work. I bought all kinds of healthy foods - no more eating out, no more poor food choices, no more excuses. Wednesday I ate on track all day! I walked three times - in the morning on the treadmill, a quick walk on my lunch hour and a long walk with the dog after work. Moving in the right direction! Feeling good! Headed back in the right direction. Yippee!
Today, first thing I did was hop on the scale. Why? Because I was looking for some satisfaction. I was looking for that affirmation that all my hard work on vacation wasn't lost. I was looking for affirmation that by getting back on track and doing all those right things I was once again headed in the right direction.
Mr Scale? He wasn't in the mood to hand out any affirmations. In fact, he moved upward! I kicked him, muttered some obscenities, and then re-thought the whole thing. I dusted him off, gently moved him back to his spot, turned him on, took a deep breath and got on again.
Same number. WHAT? Really? OK, third time's the charm, right?
I got off, turned him off. Then I turned him back on, took a deep breath, got on ---- and exhaled as hard as I could. Maybe it was all that extra air I was holding in?
I got off. I was angry. I was sad. I felt dejected. I felt defeated. I was hoping for a different number ---- even a .2 less than the previous number. A different number would have made all the difference in the world at that moment. It was as if Mr Scale were mocking me, flashing those large numbers at me. I hated Mr Scale. I don't like to say this, but I hated me.
I got ready for work. I packed my healthy lunch, my walking shoes, and headed off to work. I felt fat. I felt shame. I felt guilt. I wanted to call in sick and stay home and hide.
I got to work and my stomach started telling me it was hungry. I wanted to ignore it and punish myself by not eating - but I know that isn't the answer. I got my protein bar and piece of fruit out. I ate it. "Keep doing those right things" the little voice said "You WILL get there". The chorus chimed in, "you will NEVER get there. Be real."
A little later in my morning I walked through the kitchen and there sat the Thursday bagels and cookies. I grabbed a cinnamon raisin bagel, took it back to my desk and ate the whole thing. I'm not sure why. I wasn't hungry. I just ate! It was there. It was free. It smelled good. I ate it.
It didn't taste as good as it smelled. Then the guilt started to set in again. Two breakfasts in an hour! Extra calories to burn off or account for somehow in my day. Another action that is taking me further from my goal. Ugh, my goal..... what IS my goal? Sometimes I lose sight of it! Why do I bother?
Oh ya.... to become healthier, to do my best to remain mobile and active into my golden years, to be around for my kids and grandkids, to be able to take those long walks on the beach that I love, to be able to ride my bike, to be able to bend over and tie my shoes without feeling like I am going to lose my dinner, to be able to climb the stairs to my bedroom without getting winded.... the reasons kept coming! I thought of my friend struggling to breath as she pushes her walker to get to her bathroom from her bed.
I AM able to make this journey. I need to quit weighing myself down with all that baggage from the poor decisions I made. I need to forgive myself for being human and move on. Carrying all that stuff with me only adds to my struggle. I don't HAVE to carry that stuff!
So this is where it stops. No getting sucked into that downward spiral. No more feeling bad, feeling guilty, feeling like I am not able to make this journey. I AM!
Right here, right now, I am starting today over. I am going to take my walk on my lunch hour, eat my healthy lunch and let go of the those actions that are holding be back.
Tomorrow morning I am going to do all those right things I normally do and NOT get on the scale looking for affirmation. Doing all those right things is affirmation enough! I don't NEED the scale's stamp of approval! I am doing things to take me in the direction of my goal and that is good enough!
Phew! The steps are coming easier already!