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Ugh, I am ...... enough AND able...really, I AM!!!

Thursday, May 07, 2015

Did I ever say I am obsessed about numbers? Seems natural that I would be drawn to a career that involved numbers. And then, there are those personal numbers.... weight, size clothing, calories, time it takes to walk a mile, how many miles walked at one time, number of steps on the fitbit.... you get the picture.

Well, after vacation, I was pleased to see the number on the scale moved in a downward direction... then I returned home and struggled with time management, stress, and getting back on track - at work and home. My healthy eating habits, well those numbers were not where they should have been - which caused the numbers on the scale to climb - which caused me to feel stressed, dejected and frustrated. There was eating out - and there was acting out - and there was just plain old tired.

Tuesday I went to the grocery store after work. I bought all kinds of healthy foods - no more eating out, no more poor food choices, no more excuses. Wednesday I ate on track all day! I walked three times - in the morning on the treadmill, a quick walk on my lunch hour and a long walk with the dog after work. Moving in the right direction! Feeling good! Headed back in the right direction. Yippee!

Today, first thing I did was hop on the scale. Why? Because I was looking for some satisfaction. I was looking for that affirmation that all my hard work on vacation wasn't lost. I was looking for affirmation that by getting back on track and doing all those right things I was once again headed in the right direction.

Mr Scale? He wasn't in the mood to hand out any affirmations. In fact, he moved upward! I kicked him, muttered some obscenities, and then re-thought the whole thing. I dusted him off, gently moved him back to his spot, turned him on, took a deep breath and got on again.

Same number. WHAT? Really? OK, third time's the charm, right?

I got off, turned him off. Then I turned him back on, took a deep breath, got on ---- and exhaled as hard as I could. Maybe it was all that extra air I was holding in?

Same number.

I got off. I was angry. I was sad. I felt dejected. I felt defeated. I was hoping for a different number ---- even a .2 less than the previous number. A different number would have made all the difference in the world at that moment. It was as if Mr Scale were mocking me, flashing those large numbers at me. I hated Mr Scale. I don't like to say this, but I hated me.

I got ready for work. I packed my healthy lunch, my walking shoes, and headed off to work. I felt fat. I felt shame. I felt guilt. I wanted to call in sick and stay home and hide.

I got to work and my stomach started telling me it was hungry. I wanted to ignore it and punish myself by not eating - but I know that isn't the answer. I got my protein bar and piece of fruit out. I ate it. "Keep doing those right things" the little voice said "You WILL get there". The chorus chimed in, "you will NEVER get there. Be real."

A little later in my morning I walked through the kitchen and there sat the Thursday bagels and cookies. I grabbed a cinnamon raisin bagel, took it back to my desk and ate the whole thing. I'm not sure why. I wasn't hungry. I just ate! It was there. It was free. It smelled good. I ate it.

It didn't taste as good as it smelled. Then the guilt started to set in again. Two breakfasts in an hour! Extra calories to burn off or account for somehow in my day. Another action that is taking me further from my goal. Ugh, my goal..... what IS my goal? Sometimes I lose sight of it! Why do I bother?

Oh ya.... to become healthier, to do my best to remain mobile and active into my golden years, to be around for my kids and grandkids, to be able to take those long walks on the beach that I love, to be able to ride my bike, to be able to bend over and tie my shoes without feeling like I am going to lose my dinner, to be able to climb the stairs to my bedroom without getting winded.... the reasons kept coming! I thought of my friend struggling to breath as she pushes her walker to get to her bathroom from her bed.

I AM able to make this journey. I need to quit weighing myself down with all that baggage from the poor decisions I made. I need to forgive myself for being human and move on. Carrying all that stuff with me only adds to my struggle. I don't HAVE to carry that stuff!

So this is where it stops. No getting sucked into that downward spiral. No more feeling bad, feeling guilty, feeling like I am not able to make this journey. I AM!

Right here, right now, I am starting today over. I am going to take my walk on my lunch hour, eat my healthy lunch and let go of the those actions that are holding be back.

Tomorrow morning I am going to do all those right things I normally do and NOT get on the scale looking for affirmation. Doing all those right things is affirmation enough! I don't NEED the scale's stamp of approval! I am doing things to take me in the direction of my goal and that is good enough!

Phew! The steps are coming easier already!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    TY for being so vulnerable. It looks like a lot of people were touched by your blog and I am sure many more have/will. You did great! I too love the part about the scale. We all have been there. I have two that I check one after another.... I am a major number cruncher too. I have an Excel sheet with 5 diff tabs!

    This is a magnificent statement: "So this is where it stops. No getting sucked into that downward spiral. No more feeling bad, feeling guilty, feeling like I am not able to make this journey. I AM! "
    Hold on to it. This as with life is full of a roller coaster. Learn. Enjoy. Breathe. Share.
    2222 days ago
    Your sense of humor will get you through anything! I also laughed at the image of getting on and off that dumb scale. Been there done that.
    Keep the faith. Don't deny yourself something forever, because you WILL keep wanting it, guaranteed. But, make a bargain with yourself: if you walk away without taking something that you know is not what your body needs, but your mouth wants and tell yourself "if I want it, I can come back in 20 minutes and get it and eat it, but first I am going to go back to work/ read a book/ clean a room/ do something that requires your thought and attention for 20 minutes". Don't set an alarm, the point is, if you actually remember the thing you want after 20 minutes, you earned it, go get it, eat it and focus on how wonderful every single bite of it is. But that is part of the deal, you can't do anything else but focus on eating that thing you want. You will not feel deprived, you might not even feel a need to finish it, you will have proven to yourself you have control over yourself and can choose what you will do, and probably, if it was really just a craving, you will have realized a long time past the 20 minutes that you will be just fine without it, since you forgot about it.
    Don't beat yourself up if you eat something that wasn't in your plan. This life thing is going to go on for a really long time, and it will be lots more fun to think about all the good stuff that happens along the way (like how proud you feel after a walk, or when your waistline on your clothes gets a little loose, or you out-wait a craving, or someone asks if you've lost weight) than that dumb number on that stupid box of a scale. It is a simple machine that can't feel anything (poor scale!) It can't measure your heart or soul, it can only measure how tightly the earth is hugging you to itself. emoticon emoticon
    2227 days ago
    Been there, done that, can totally relate!

    *deep breath!*

    this really is a ONE day at a time program. YOU cannot fail unless you quit trying.

    Tomorrow is thankfully, always another new day to try again.
    2228 days ago
    Why O Why do we do that to ourselves? Too tired, Too hungry, Too angry any of those "TOO'S" can send me in a spiral.
    2228 days ago
  • no profile photo CD15408704
    I've found my scale is a really unreliable source of information ... and it doesn't tell me how I'm really doing... sometimes we need to somehow keep an eye on it but not let the scales dictate how we are doing; or let them derail us. There can be so many reasons for our weight to fluctuate even while we are losing weight over all and need to stick with our program even when it is hard; i've had similar reactions to you described many times previously but slowly learning to do differently just as you are. Great going with your realisations emoticon
    2229 days ago
  • no profile photo CD13423552
    Love it Barb! You just have to keep remembering the why and the how will become easier. It is so easy to get hung up on the numbers. The temptations will always be there - the food in the office, the food and drinks at the parties, too tired when you get home from work. This is not a journey for the weak! But you know how strong you are because you have not given up yet. And trust me, no one is perfect. I am not willing to give up certain things and I'll probably always struggle with the last 10 lbs to lose. But that is OK. As long as I can do what I need and want to do, I'll live my life. So hang in there, you can do this.
    2229 days ago
  • LSIG14
    I was an accountant before I retired so I understand the obsession with numbers. I am sitting here laughing as I read about you stepping on and off the scales - thinking how many times have I done just that! Now my daily weight just tells me if I need to watch my salt! You are doing amazingly well over all - don't let one little misstep (or one little number) cause you to slide back down the mountain! Hugs!!
    2229 days ago
    My spiral led to 4 cookies and a chunk of chocolate cake. My justification (bold face lie) was that I had to eat it because it was teacher appreciation week and parents had brought it in for us. It would be unappreciative not to. Now, at the end of the day, I look back and think, hmmmm...the parents that showed us the most thoughtful appreciation were the ones who sent nice notes, and bottles of water, the fruit bowl, and the popcorn. I have a feeling Mr. Scale is not going to be my friend this week either. Or maybe he is, if he is being honest with me.
    2230 days ago
    I feel your pain! I tend to weigh myself daily and constantly beat myself up over the #s on the scale. I especially like to weigh after I've been "good" and exercised. Good attitude to have to start today over. I think the second you recognize that you need to start over, that's when you should do it. Why wait? Great job!!
    2230 days ago
    This is similar to a conclusion I drew this week (may have even blogged about it, too). I will weigh in again sometime, but not when I need validation. How I FEEL is valid. It's enough to assure me I'm doing the right things. If I wake feeling puffy, I can generally find the cause. If I wake feeling slimmer and know I've been eating right and moving enough, then that IS enough. I don't need a scale to show me "how good I've been."

    I need to start having more confidence in what I did that was right. So I started this week. I'm not saying I'll never weigh in again, but when I'm feeling great about my choices, why attach a number to it?

    I, too, am a data-hog. I love data. I collect it. Admire it. Want to be connected with it. Yeah, weird, I know. But true. My friend who used to run with me (before my body said ah...no) used to laugh at all the data collection bodymetrics stuff I wore, carried, and then went home to analyze. So I get where you're coming from!

    I analyze less now and am actually happier for it. I analyze other stuff in my life, I'm leaving my body out of it! So, naturally, I'm excited to see you've decided to do something similar. I love it when you agree with me emoticon

    2230 days ago
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    I love the way you just put EVERYTHING out there for every body to see and in my case I actually HEARD you!

    You're not alone, we've all been there and done that. However, you're not starting over, or beginning again! You've been on this journey and you just had a detour that took you off the main road, for a moment. It doesn't matter what caused the detour, but you were there, going down that road. However, the good thing about a detour, is that it ALWAYS brings you back to the main road, which is where you're at, right NOW!!! You GO, and just emoticon because you're WORTH IT!!! I'll be cheering you on during the entire trip!!!!


    - Nancy Jean -
    2230 days ago
    Suggestion? Put the scale away..into the deepest, darkest corner of the closet. Maybe up into the attic if you have one. Maybe off to Goodwill. Just put it away and quit focusing on that particular number. It's not the most important one anyway!

    Instead, how about how far you are getting on the (Pacific Coast?) trail? How about how many days in a row you have done something (anything!) to help you fell better about yourself and your health? I'm sure you can come up with lots of more important numbers than the one you are currently focused on!

    2230 days ago
    All your trials and tribulations are not falling on deaf ears....you are sparking enough light for those of us who are ready to learn from your choices... When you spoke of the little voice, I immediately thought of God vs the devil.😄
    2230 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12103448
    Cute blog and good that you are now thinking positive. I hate to tell you but the scale doesn't move down after one day of exercising and healthy eating. I purposely do not weigh myself often; in fact, I get on the scale maybe twice a month. I workout to try to accomplish 1,000 fitness minutes, mixing in cardio and st, and also eat healthy. If I do have a dessert or a glass of wine, I don't beat myself up about it because LIFE is worth living and enjoying, ya' know? Hang in there and in no time you'll have consistency!
    2230 days ago
    You've gotten those good groceries. You were on track all day yesterday. Today you ate a good (first) breakfast. You packed a healthy lunch. Don't let one bagel derail you. emoticon
    2230 days ago
    Love your sense of humor.
    2230 days ago
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