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Failing...

Thursday, May 07, 2015

Gah! I'm so SICK of falling apart at night!

It started yesterday at lunch. Lovely coworker thought it was nice to bring us some Wendy's Frosty treats. SUPER nice! Super not what I needed. Not to mention, it was a large, and though I tried to stop halfway, I ended up sitting there and chatting and finishing the thing. *facepalm* So I basically ruined any chance at a normal dinner. As much as I wanted to go straight home and go to sleep and hit my calorie goals and be fine...

* I had to take Ethan to his counselor. He's a mess right now too and I'm trying to figure out how to help him cope.

* Then I had to drop him off at his Dad's. I HATE this part more than anything else. I want my kids with me 24/7! Dropping them off and knowing they're having fun and experiences without me and I won't even get to know what really happened...and the chance that him and his parents are talking about me to them behind my back. Ugh! I hate this part.

* I had to talk to him. I couldn't just drop off and leave because, unfortunately, I'm having car trouble...and instead of paying $600 to get it fixed, he's offered to fix it and even pay for the parts...which total about $70-100. *sigh* So I had to talk to him about the car. And that was the most we've really talked in a long time and I hated it and didn't hate it enough. GAH!

* I had to go to the grocery store on a limited budget. This is annoying and stressful on top of everything else but because I've taken over most of the finances, things are tight right now. It's been a LONG time since I've been this tight...certainly since before I got this amazing job I have now. (I'll catch up eventually, I have a few payments left on a couple things and that will free up like $350 per month...)

* I had to work last night. I wanted to go back and sleep, but I couldn't...because I had some photo editing to do. PIctures are due May 15th to my client and I've decided to leave this weekend, which is when I usually edit. So I need to squeeze in editing time in the evenings.

So I impulsively bought one of those stupid apple pies. And ate it without even really tasting it.
And then I had a bologna sandwich and three pickles. That would have been a fine dinner if that had been it.

And then he came over to drop the boys off. And I had to talk to him about the car again. And he picked up his mail. And he stayed way too long. And it hurt. And I also didn't want him to leave, even though I know better. GAH! I HATE being weak!

So when he left, what did I do? Go to bed? No...I had laundry that needed to be done...so I had to stay up to change it (or so I thought)...and so I sat down and ate cheese and crackers and a bottle of coke. GAH!!

I hated yesterday.
I don't want to repeat it.

And tonight I have a planned dinner with friends. It's something we do once a month. Between lack of funds, lack of calories and self-control and lack of emotional stability...is this going to be another month lost to my crappy emotions?!

I'll weigh in tomorrow morning and we'll see how bad this week has been for me. I dread it. I dread everything these days.

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And this weekend I'm going to my Mom's house. Maybe she'll let me sleep the whole time...I think that's the only way to control my intake right now.

GAH! I HATE this!

Okay, so I'm TRYING to be really good throughout the day. The plan is to make the best choices I can tonight and then go home and get to bed early.

I did walk the dogs last night. Super short walk, but more than I have been able to do... NSV?

Tomorrow I'll try to stay right on target. I'm planning for some of my favorite pizza while up at Mom's. I'm not sure what she plans for food on Saturday or Sunday. We'll likely have lunch Saturday at her house since she'll have my nephew for a visitation. But dinner? It's usually dinner out or Chinese or pizza in. JUST DO THE BEST YOU CAN, ESTHER.

NO CUPCAKES.
NOTHING that isn't actually WORTH IT.

I NEED to lose 8 pounds this month. I NEED that for my mental stability right now.

So...yesterday was another day lost to my emotions. On the upside, I'm at least a little more aware these days. Last month was a literal fog of I have no clue what. I WILL get there... I HOPE.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • BRIAEL
    Right now you're focusing on all the things that you get wrong, and it's making you resentful and unhappy. Stop trying to build Rome in a day. You know how this works, you've lived this before - small changes, one at a time.

    The more you focus on NOT eating, the more it keeps it in the forefront of your mind. Feeling all over the place with emotions will add to that pressure.

    Bag up some foods that you CAN eat, in moderation. Call them your snack bags or cheat bags or simply "extras I can have when I need something" and go grab one. Have a glass of water with it and try to find something else to do with your time. Preferably something positive. I don't know - maybe a late spring/early summer clean out of all the kids' things that they no longer use/want/have grown out of. Box up the ex' things and get them out to him to they aren't taunting you any more.

    C'mon Esther. You can sit and let this keep getting to you or you can pick yourself up and find ways to work around the horrible feelings that you're experiencing.

    You're a great girl. You deserve to have a great life, and part of that is finding the best health you can have.

    Don't give up on yourself and try not to be so critical of the "you" that is facing difficulties alone for the first time in a great many years. :)
    2190 days ago
  • LOWFATFOODIE
    I'm sorry you are going through a hard time of a split- I know it can be rough. But you really need to stop beating yourself up. This will likely be one of the top 3-4 most stressful things you ever have to face in your llfe.
    2190 days ago
  • -POOKIE-
    I can see why you feel its ok to beat yourself up, I know I do exactly the same thing.

    but a failure would also mean you would need to fail to recognise you are not taking all the steps you could be taking... you see what you need to change, so thats part of the problem already solved.

    The hardest part is doing the right thing... and goodness knows that is hard.
    2190 days ago
  • PINKYLYNN55
    Control one thing that I can control is what I put in my mouth I use food to push down how I feel but what I'm working on is letting my self feel it . control the things you can each time that you do you'll feel stronger I know you've got it in you
    2190 days ago
  • PINKYLYNN55
    I can definitely understand what you going through I let my emotions control me and food is my comfort my celebrations and my friend when I'm lonely I struggle with it every day what I keep telling myself is that with a whole host of things I can't c
    2190 days ago
  • ARUNNINGKAT
    I can definitely understand where your frustrations are coming from, but I also can see that you are making positive steps towards your goals. First off, you are walking a little more and that is a great start. And you are far more aware of what you are doing and what you want to change.

    And like the others said, you do have a lot going on right now. It is enough to make a person fall apart. Please don't be too hard on yourself! Just getting through the day is tough right now and I know that in the end you will be victorious!

    I haven't been exactly where you are right now, but I have definitely been in the middle of the whole divorce, kids, yucky mess stuff. I have been through enough to know that no one else can quite understand the hurt and pain you are going through right now. The feeling that there is no end in sight. And unfortunately, I don't really have the answers except to encourage you to love yourself! Do something today that is just for you, even if it is very small and only takes 5 minutes. emoticon
    2190 days ago
  • ERIN1128
    You are so not failing Esther...I know it is all you can do to keep your head above water right now, but just keep doing what you need to do. Beating yourself up is just going to make you feel worse...try to be kind to yourself (I know that's hard!). Big hugs to you!
    2190 days ago
  • SUGIRL06
    Like everyone else said, you have a lot on your plate right now!! I know how the stress eating goes and I have yet to figure out how to control it. Sure, you could get up and workout instead but when you are in that moment, that's the last thing you want to do! And when there's foot pain involved, well just standing sounds awful (can relate on this too!). You will get through this, be strong for the boys and for yourself!!!
    ~Ang
    2190 days ago
  • FROGGERHKC
    Honey, you are not failing. You have so much going on, and I am sorry you are going through it all. Don't beat yourself up. Try to stick to your goals that you set, but if you miss some, or even all of them one day, don't beat yourself up over it. Try again the next day. Keep trying, you will get there! I often make the mistake of trying to do "all the things" in one shot, and when I miss something I feel like I've failed, when I've really just hit a bump in the plan. You will get to all of the things. You are a strong person, a fighter, and I'm proud of you for making decisions to better yourself and working to make YOU happy. You are in a hard place right now, but you will get through it. You will be victorious, and you will be even stronger then than you are now. I am here for you if you need anything, and will be cheering you on as you go. Big hugs!!! emoticon
    2190 days ago
  • LULULUCY
    You are NOT FAILING.

    You are finding a way to cope with this humongous upheaval in your life and the life of your family. You can't be so hard on yourself because this is not something you can (or should) be able to bounce right back from. Give yourself a little bit of a break from beating yourself up, that can't be helping your stress or anxiety.

    I don't see a failure, I see an amazing mom who is SO devoted to her kids.
    I see a woman who is working hard to be able to exercise again.
    I see a woman who is strong and thinking about the choices she makes, not just playing ostrich in the sand.
    I see a wonderful, beautiful person who deserves to be told she is amazing just as she is right this second.

    here for you girl emoticon
    2190 days ago
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