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Life Changes

Monday, May 04, 2015

Ugh. So, I'm going to warn you that you won't find warm fuzzies here. In fact, I'm writing this blog more for me than anything else. I'm not going into a ton of detail (or I might), but I need to keep track of the journey in organize my head. The best way for me to organize myself? Writing it out.

So, as you'll notice, April I was blatently absent. I honestly was absent from life much of the time. I was in the "just barely getting by" stage and struggling a lot. Shane moved out early in the month and I spent the rest of the month trying to cope. I'm not going into everything, but I had asked him to leave and it was a long time coming. We've been seeing a counselor for a year and it just wasn't working.

So instead of sticking to my goals, I did what I needed to do to get by. Some days I wasn't hungry and I didn't eat at all. Other days I had my face in a tub of Ben & Jerry's telling myself I would make it to the other side eventually. I said, "I can't even..." a LOT. I'm still there sometimes...but I've come out of the fog a little bit.

Let's put this here as a reminder of what was supposed to happen...

Jan-Feb 2015 Goals
Current Weight: 460.6
Goal Weight: 450.6
Weight Loss Goal: -10 pounds

Actual Weight: 458.0
Weight Lost: 2.6 pounds

Feb-Mar 2015 Goals
Current Weight: 458.0
Goal Weight: 450.0
Weight Loss Goal: -8 pounds

Actual Weight: 454.2
Weight Lost: 3.8
Total Weight Lost: 6.2
Left to Lose: 39.2


Well, the best I could do was maintain that first 2 pounds. I weighed in at the end of last month at 458 and, honestly, I was happy I didn't go completely off the rails. That being said, I'm doing better.

We reset my goals. I'm shooting for 1800 calories and making it most days. I have bad days when I get really emotional and eat my feelings. I'm trying hard to control those. I'm also trying to make sure I don't let myself dip back into the not eat one day, eat everything the next day habits that have gotten me here. My body isn't normal. I have to be consistent for a while to get it to perform accurately and give me the proper signals. And even then it's fuzzy.

By now I should have lost 12 pounds. By my next weigh in I should have been down a total of 16. That's not happening. I'm not sure how to make this happen, but I have to just work with what I have right now. And right now I have to stick to 1800 calories nearly every day and pray I get those 8 pounds off and get closer to on track. Then I'd only be 6 pounds behind, which I should be able to make up in the coming months.

Again, I need to lose approximately 4 pounds every month for 12 months for a total of 46 pounds to qualify for my surgery early next year. I'm not willing to give up on that goal. In fact, I need it more than ever now! I have to be healthy for these kids if it's going to be 100% the Esther Show 100% of the time.

On the upside? I got cleared a couple weeks ago to SLOWLY ease into some walking. Last week I was cleared to quit wearing the brace every day and now only need to wear it when I do anything "strenuous"....of course I'm asking myself, "What IS strenuous? Should I wear it on my 1/4 mile walk to work from the parking garage?" A couple weeks ago I started walking that 1/4 mile a couple times a week. This week I'll be doing it all 5 days. 1/4 mile in. 1/4 mile out. That's 1/2 a mile that I used to do regularly without a problem but now is slow and steady and about all I can manage.

If that works out alright, in a couple weeks I might add a couple 10-15 minute walks with the dogs at night (though I should probably let the boys hold them, in case they pull). I thought about mowing tonight, but walking on uneven ground IS considered "strenuous" for my foot right now, according to my doctor, so I may need to get the boys to do it for a few more weeks before I give it a go. (Mowing the lawn used to be a favorite exercise of mine when I started last time. Great workout AND you get a chore accomplished so it doesn't really feel like exercise as much as just life.)

So, with increased moving and decreased calories...I HOPE I can eek out those 8 pounds I'm gunning for. In fact, I hope a lot of it was water bloat weight since I was so damn swollen and a mess.

After that, we shoot for 8 pounds a month for the rest of the time. We stay on track. We try to be 100% 100% of the time because I KNOW that the emotional spurts are going to hit, and they'll make less impact if the rest of the time is good and I'm surrounding myself with healthy snacks.

Some new things I'm doing this time:

- Love with Food and Naturebox. These are subscription-type services. The cost of this comes out of my grocery budget for the month as they include healthy snack options for me and the boys. Most of the snacks are non-GMO, some are vegan or gluten free or organic. It's new healthy snacking options and it keeps things interesting. Naturebox has a great variety! I've been using their little prepackaged oatmeals as a midmorning snack! Today I have their Salted Caramel Pretzel Pops for a snack and a bag of mini chocolate chunk cookies from Back to Nature that came in the Love with Food box. I cannot even begin to describe how much this helps when I'm packing food for the week! I just grab something and go. I don't even have to really think about it because I know it's all healthy.

- Journaling. I journal a LOT right now. I'm seeing a counselor and journaling and trying to take care of my heart. The last time I did this, I didn't necessarily have the support of my husband. I remember the first 5k I ever did, my girl Hollynn was there with her husband and I got the WORST blister somewhere in the first 3/4 of mile one up a BIG hill. I was slow and walked the entire thing. I was HUGE compared to the rest of my racers. I think the only people slower than me was the guy in the wheelchair and some 80 year old women that chatted the whole time like they were walking in the mall. After I finished the race, Hollynn checked me out and made sure I got water and I was excited to hang out with her and get to know her and enjoy the post-race festivities. Shane walked up to me and said, "Cool. Good job. Can we leave now?" So, no, I didn't really have the support before, but I also didn't have the emotional guilt and trauma that I'm experiencing right now. So I'm journaling in the hopes of holding it together.

- I'm working with people who believe in me. I have doctors who know I'm not a lazy pushover and that if I say I'm in pain it's because I AM IN PAIN! My chiro is the best. He's on call when I feel misaligned. My podiatrist has released me from her care for now unless the foot flares up again, but even she said, "Now! I don't want you to go too hard and heavy! Be slow! Slow and steady!" It was encouraging and nice to hear that belief in my ability to move forward. (And getting the all clear was like something I can't describe...I have HATED every minute of sitting still! UGH!) And my regular doctor knows what's going on, is monitoring me and is making sure my insides are just as healthy as my outsides. That and my therapist...who is very firmly a believer in making it work and never encourages divorce but actually said to me at our last appointment that I looked and sounded better - more confident and clear-headed - and she was encouraged by the changes.

It's so funny to sit here and realize that I'm doing the same thing I've already done. I'm trying to re-lose 170 pounds again. I've been here before. And yet this time is SO MUCH SCARIER! Because it involves my whole being. My whole heart. My entire everything is being fixed. I'm not just working on the outside, I'm working on the inside as well and trying to make it a healthier version of myself as well. And when they say the mental part is the hardest...they are NOT kidding! In fact, they're being mild about it.

It's like Dante's Inferno. I am going through HELL right now. Dealing with nights without my kids and trying to fill the void. Trying to figure out what to do moving forward. Looking at memories that surround me everywhere I go. Stupid love songs and break up songs and songs about family. There's a song by Ed Sheeran that I can't listen to that starts, "Oh, I'm a mess right now..." I just say "Yep!" and flip to the next song. I don't even know what the song is about, I'm just absolutely terrified to listen to it.

This weekend was a wash. I tried, but I failed miserably. Yesterday was Shane's evening with the kids...that about killed me. I ate two bowls of cereal and some potato chips to cope. Must. Find. Better. Coping. (I've been trying to force myself into cleaning instead...but then I find things that are his and it's hard to move forward.) I am happy to report, however, that I'm back on track today.

Breakfast: Whole Wheat English Muffin, slice of cheese, two Jimmy Dean pre-cooked turkey sausage patties, Coffee with Almond Milk creamer

Snack: Snappea Crisps (have you guys tried these?! They're SO good!) and Pumpkin Seed Raisin Oatmeal from Naturebox

Lunch: Pork Chop (I hope it's still good...eep!) and whatever was left of the mashed potatoes (like 1/2 a cup), plus those cookies from my Love with Food box

Afternoon Snack: Naturebox Salted Caramel Pretzel Pops

Dinner: Salmon, roated potatoes and broccoli (I may cook some rice too, but I haven't decided yet...don't really need rice AND potatoes, but I need to cook the potatoes and what I really want is the rice...)

I've got 2 glasses of water down, took my meds (I'm back on BP meds...stress really CAN kill you, guys!) and have only almost cried twice. Hopefully the rest of the day works out fine.

Oh, one final added challenge. Since Shane left I have had to take on pretty much every single bill for the house, car, and kids. So our budget is so very tight right now that I'm counting quarters. That makes eating healthier even more challenging, but I just have to do the best I can and see if I can make this work. (Oh, and last week I had to travel for work. I have to admit that I ate my Caramel Pretzel Pops for dinner one night to save money...)
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SUGIRL06
    UUugh I AM SO SORRY TO HEAR ALL THIS! I haven't been in touch with anyone lately. If you need to chat girl, I'm ready! My last final is tomorrow so if you want to call me this weekend to chat/vent/cry/scream, go right ahead! Or Facebook chat, whatever! You are amazing and deserve so much awesomeness in the world, I can't even!
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    2191 days ago
    OH MY GOD that Ed sherrnan song! It came on when I was tanning a few days ago and I couldn't turn it off - I hate him so much right now.

    It sounds like you've got a really great plan ahead of you, and you are such a strong, wonderful lady - the kids are lucky to have such an amazing mom. You know where to find me if you need to talk xoxo
    2193 days ago
    2194 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12551381
    I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles. You did what was best for you though and that's super important. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is the best for you. Definitely great work on not gaining anything the first month. I couldn't do that. You are a super strong lady from what it sounds like. I know you can do this.

    Also as a note, I didn't like naturebox. They were always out of the stuff I liked. :-( They did have some yummy things though.

    I wish you the very best of luck on your journey!

    2194 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4764832
    I am sorry to hear about things with Shane. It is hard I know, as I have been through it before, but you are determined to get through it, and I speak from experience, you will!

    I am a firm believer that if the insides aren't dealt with the outside suffers. Therapy is hard, but it will be the best thing in the end, just stick with it!!!

    Keep on writing in your journal and here. What you are doing is for you, and getting it out in the open and asking for help and support, well, that is the bravest thing ever!

    Hang in there and keep pushing, you are strong!
    2194 days ago
  • ERIN1128
    Oh Esther, I'm sorry things are so hard for you, but if you kicked him out I know that was the right decision, you would not have done that lightly. Hang onto your goals, but don't beat yourself up too much on "should's"...I think it's pretty amazing that you made it through the first month after booting him out without gaining a whole bunch! That's really an accomplishment! I'm glad you're journaling, I hope that helps...and please, keep checking in here. You don't have to be happy, happy, joy, joy, all the time, we love you no matter what. :-)
    2194 days ago
    You are so strong Esther. I can feel the pain as I read your blog, but I can also still sense your incredible determination and will to accomplish your goals! You have got this! emoticon
    2194 days ago
    2194 days ago
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