Tuesday, February 24, 2015
It has been a long time since I have blogged. I come to SP from time to time, but haven't really been on much. I wish I had a good reason, but I think laziness is probably it. So much has happened since my last blog post (2013!). I was on an emotional roller coaster with relationships and especially with myself. I grew to be so lonely that I was willing to do some really stupid stuff just to not be lonely. I grew to hate myself.
My brother decided to have a gastric bypass. He was somewhere around 370lbs. He has a kid and wants to be able to play with him and be alive to watch him grow up. At the time I was pushing 365. I used to think people who had the surgery were taking the easy way out. I was so ignorant. After talking to my brother for a long time about it, I decided that getting the surgery would be a good idea for me. I spent 4 long months meeting insurance requirements, which consisted of 3 doctor visits, meeting a dietician, going to a nutrition class and getting a psych eval. The psych eval was a joke, which I find appalling. So much of obesity is psychological. I believe counseling should be required; it's not. I was already in counseling, so for four months we talked a lot about food, binge eating, etc.
I had the bypass 8 weeks ago. I am down 40lbs. Everything about my life has changed. Everything. I have always been an emotional eater, so not being able to eat when I am emotional has been sooooo hard. I am feeling everything now. It's been so hard. The idea we all hold of comfort food? Yeah, I can't eat for comfort. Well, I can, but if I do I get sick and that is a really un-fun feeling. I eat now for fuel. 2oz of food. When you are so used to eating a big plate of food, and then you are restricted to 2 oz (roughly 1/4 cup), it's a big shock. A psychological slap in the face, 2 oz is nothing. And your brain thinks, "how can I get full on that?" while your stomach is like "yep, that’s enough."
My brother and I talk about our body tummy and our brain tummy. The body tummy, is, of course, the physical need for food. For the basics, the needs. Protein, iron, vitamins, etc., etc. The brain tummy is all the cravings. The wants and desires. I struggle with it every day. Most of it is from emotions. I was just dating someone and we stopped seeing each other, so the emotions are heavy and the way I have always coped is gone. Dealing with that has definitely been difficult.
I am protected by the physical boundaries of surgery. I know if I binge I will get sick. That simple boundary for me has done wonders, especially when I am emotional. The fact is, the gastric bypass is not a miracle. It's not a cure. It's a tool. A tool that stops you from eating too much at once. But you can still eat all day and gain weight, so you still have to count calories and be mindful of all you eat. I keep that in mind because it was a major surgery, an expensive surgery. I don't want to waste this opportunity.
And, of course, the one thing I haven’t mentioned yet is exercise. It's crucial for success. I just got a dog (Zelda) so I am finally walking every day. Not much, but it's a start. I also bought an exercise bike, which I’ve used a few times. One day I hope to be running again.
I will try to keep blogging.