Saturday, January 31, 2015
Sometimes things just seem so surreal.
I have been doing so well staying on track, it's about being healthy for me. Yes I want the numbers on the scale to go down; but more importantly I need to feel strong, look at myself and not hate myself and have energy.
That has been happening, I am making progress on all fronts.
I have to say that I am ready for a new number (a lower one) on the scale, I am tired of the old one. Plus it will move me from the 190's to the 180's and that feels like progress. I weigh in every Sunday and take measurements the first Sunday of the month. So tomorrow is a big day!
So I am doing all this and focusing on walking, eating and well just not panicking honestly.
I went for a regular follow up with my cancer surgeon Thursday afternoon. It's been 3 years and everything has been great. I expected him to say...see ya in a year. But instead he said, can you feel that? Has this been here? Lets take a biopsy. His gut says scar tissue. I want to go with his gut. This was supposed to be over, I am getting my life back!
I am doing my best not to panic and hope that this little thing has shown up because I have lost weight and can now be felt. I have a lot of necrotic tissue after my breast reconstruction. He said it wasn't the same as that tissue and it does feel different; so we are hoping for scar tissue. And praying...
I have not told my kids, I don't want them to worry. It will be hard tomorrow because we have a party at my son's new loft to celebrate his new place and his birthday. Its a pre-game party too. I don't want to put a damper on the festivities so I am trying to hide my concern. It is so hard to keep my mind off it though.
So for today I am going to focus on SKINNY and HEALTHY and worry about the number on the scale because that is an easier hill to climb.