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The things I do....

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Sunday after our hike along the lake we stopped in a little restaurant/bakery that is on a farm. There is an orchard and they grow various fruits. The restaurant serves apple pies, deserts, etc, made from the fruits they grow and offers food from local farms and businesses. After all that hiking on the ice and being out in the cold, I chose the burger. Just a plain burger, no condiments - and I splurged adding a slice of cheese. This was my first food of the day other than a couple bites of a protein bar on the way to the lake. Not exactly healthy eating habits as it was pushing 4pm.

I was proud of myself for staying away from all those pies and other goodies in the bakery. WooHoo! Chalk one up for willpower!

While I was looking at the menu I spied several deserts that sounded yummy. Again, I practiced that willpower and stayed away from those choices. Yep, I was feeling pretty good!

Then the waitress came to bring us our bill and asked if there was anything else she could bring us and this voice came out of my body asking her for a apple cinnamon roll to go. Whose voice was that? Oh wait, it was mine! Where was that willpower? Gone.

I heard a little voice say "Do you really NEED an apple cinnamon roll? You will regret it!" I totally ignored that voice. What? I can't hear you! Lalalalalalalala It's gonna be SOOOOOOOO good!

To top it off, when we left the cashier sent us home with a bag full of donuts as they were closing and they needed a home. Woohoo! Score! Free donuts!!!

No voice came out then saying, "oh, no thank you" Well, most of the donuts went home with my friend, but he left two with me. They were small homemade donuts, I reasoned as I ate them. Two probably really only count as one - as I was trying to figure out how to log them in my tracker.

The next morning Mr Scale ignored my poor choices and looked the other way as he showed me a number a little lighter than the day before. Phew! I dodged that one! I CAN eat donuts and lose weight!

I went downstairs to get ready to leave for work when I thought about that cinnamon roll. I better eat it I reasoned - or it will get dry. After all, I bought it. I shouldn't waste it. Yup, eat it. So I did.

On the drive to work, I felt guilty for eating the cinnamon roll. It certainly was no where on my healthy eating plan. I was doing so good! Geez. Now I felt bloated and not so good mentally either. Why did I eat that thing? Poor choice = failure, failure, failure......

I stayed on track for the remainder of the afternoon. I even got on the treadmill. I even walked an extra mile to make up for at least some of that cinnamon roll. I made a pot of chicken chili minus the cheese. I wasn't hungry.

THE voice said "Why eat if you aren't hungry?" and I listened. I settled in to watch some college football, skipping dinner.

Guess what? About 9 pm the hunger kicked in. I got up and went in the kitchen. I didn't want that chili - I needed something fast! I looked in the freezer for something quick to fix and there was a frozen pizza. Ohhhh, pizza! Yum! I popped it in the oven and promptly ate half of it. Gee, I hate to throw away that other half - so I ate a quarter more! Yep - 3/4's of a frozen pizza. Now that isn't on my healthy eating plan either. In fact, it didn't even taste that good - no it was down right crappy - but I ate it!

Then that feeling of having eaten too much kicked in and I felt lethargic and yucky. The guilt followed, along with a diet soda because I was so thirsty from all that sodium in the pizza. Oh and then I couldn't fall asleep at my normal bedtime. Failure, failure, failure.....

What happened to choices? Good choices? I don't even think I made a when I put that pizza in the oven. It was a reaction. The same old reaction I always had.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Think, think think..... Where did I go wrong? Hmmmm, eating the cinnamon roll in the morning? OK - maybe I'll even say that was ok - it was a once in a while treat.

That first poor decision to skip breakfast on Sunday, followed by the decision to skip lunch, followed by donuts, followed by morning hunger from not eating properly the day before, followed by a cinnamon roll on Monday, followed by skipping dinner and then binging on pizza.

Top that off with punishing myself by getting on the treadmill. Barb, exercise should never be a punishment for poor eating choices!

It wasn't just A poor choice - it was MANY poor choices that ended in a binge.

I have this visual of a small snowball that I am rolling up a hill. With each bad decision, the snowball gets larger and heavier - until it is so out of control I can no longer hold it in place and my only choice is to get out of the way and let it go!

Sooooo, Mr Scale is not happy with me. I am not happy with me. My body is not happy with me! I am trying to find self forgiveness and move forward. Now is the time to let it go. I can't fix it, can't change it - I need to accept it and move on. Yep, I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I make poor choices. However - are you ready? I AM NOT A FAILURE!

I failed dismally over the past couple days with my choices. However, all is not lost. I can take what I learned and be prepared for choices ahead. I have not failed yet - I am not throwing in the towel and giving up. I am picking myself up, dusting myself off and moving on.

I am strong. I am able. I have everything I need to make this journey. Baby steps Barb, you got this!

Now to see if I can apply what I learned.......


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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JUSTDJNOW
    You're absolutely right you are NOT a failure. Your honesty about the day is a positive sign...I know I used to hide those slips.

    Hey...that happened. It's over. You can learn from the experience. Those baby steps you speak of are a great tool, by all means use them.

    Love yourself and forgive yourself. It's easy to get caught up in a moment, but getting back on your path to your healthier self is the important thing.

    It's not how many times you fall down, it's how many times you get up that count! (Take it from me, I've fallen a lot sister. Let's just pick ourselves up and begin again.)
    emoticon
    2349 days ago
  • EMTCHICK109
    Baby steps...It takes time to make the changes. You will have good days and bad days. Focus more on your good days than the bad ones.

    You got this!
    2349 days ago
  • SWEDE_SU
    that's a great analysis of where things go wrong - and you have some great comments here on how things go right, especially kateljm - keep in mind all the reasons you *do* want to lose weight, and how it makes you feel when you are in control - emoticon emoticon
    2349 days ago
  • FLEETFEETGIRL
    Baby steps is right Barb. You got this, you can do it!
    2350 days ago
  • KATELJM
    My DH kids me about how much I eat (I am a volume eater). But it helped me so much to study SP's recommended nutritional guidelines for different nutrients. I started planning which foods I should eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner that NOURISHED me. I visualize how my food choices make my insides smile. By the time I fill my nutritional needs, I am no longer hungry. After a week, the refined carb cravings disappeared. And now I have a long list of foods I enjoy that love me back.
    2350 days ago
  • ALP1976
    Baby steps is where it is at! You read my blog from earlier and I struggle too. I really see great power in baby steps (yes, I hear Bill Murray saying "baby steps" -- he he, What About Bob? reference emoticon )

    Just know that we're all here to support you. I think we all have our own demons in our shadows and they seem to come out at the worst time and then we feel like crap.

    Hang in there, Barb. I see a great deal of strength in you.
    2350 days ago
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