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Pay no attention to my fake smile

Thursday, January 01, 2015

Absolutely miserable holidays. My husband suffers from anxiety and had a terrible time this month. Some periods are better than others, this was a particularly bad month.

On Christmas I was sick as a dog with a migraine, in fact I had to call the doctor to come to my house to give me a shot. It was awful. Plus I have a family history of aneurysms so everytime I get a migraine I’m afraid I’m going to die. After the holidays I'll go to my doctor and ask for a referral for an MRI or something. I don't know if aneurysms are a genetic condition, but the fact that both my aunt and my great-aunt had them might mean something.

Plus, we only have one car now between three adults since mine died a week before Christmas. It sucks! Between that, the headache from hell, and my husband’s mental state, all of our holiday plans were cancelled. Did I mention that he’s unemployed and my MIL lives on our couch? Yeah, those problems too.

I make an effort to keep a positive attitude, at least for my child’s sake, but this season I really haven’t been able to. I don’t know how much longer I can put up with this. Regarding my husband’s condition, it started after the death of his father 18 months ago. He’s seeing an analyst, but sometimes I don’t feel like he’s getting better. I’m asking myself ‘Is this the new normal? Will it go on forever? Can I expect my marriage to always be like this?’

He thinks it will all get better as soon as he finds a job. I hope so.
I love him, but I have doubts that I’m willing to subject myself to this forever. I don’t know what to do.

Last night I went to bed at 10:00pm. I turned off my phone because I didn’t want to talk to anyone and have to wish anyone a Happy New Year. Bah humbug.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hang in there honey, and hang on tight to hope. You may not be able to see how it could be possible right now, but the fake smile will be superseded by a genuine one. Whatever happens, your SparkFriends are here for you. OK, so we can't exactly jump down the internet cable to give you a hug and take you away from it all, but we are here to hold your hand virtually anytime. emoticon
    2353 days ago
    I'm so sorry to read this, Sarah. Elements of it sound familiar to me. (I have a personal disease phobia too; my husband was out of work, and struggling, for a long time; etc.) I hope the weight on your shoulders starts to lighten soon. I'll be thinking of you and sending good vibes.
    2355 days ago
    Grieving is a process but after 18 months most people are coming to terms with the death. Maybe your husband needs a different therapist. Some are better than others. You might contact him/her and let them know you are not satisfied with his progress and that is it adversely affecting your relationship and your son's life. Your MIL may need to find somewhere else to live if your son has no income. Having to support 4 people is too much for person. I hope this year is better for you but in my opinion you will have to be the stimulus to make it that way. emoticon
    2356 days ago
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    Ugh, I'm so sorry.
    Hang in there, Sarah and try not to predict the future. I know it's not easy.

    hugs, Sue
    2356 days ago
    I'm so sorry for all these difficulties - they sound very hard - I sure hope 2015 is better for you
    2356 days ago
    Oh Sarah, what a hard time this is for you! I think the fact that it's the holidays--when everybody's truly happy or trying hard to pretend to be so--just amplifies the misery of family problems. I feel for you in your situation--you want so much to be able to relax and not have to be the strong one twenty-four hours a day, but because of the people around you, you're never allowed to stop being the provider--apparently of physical, financial, and emotional support. Like you, I'm not sure I could do that forever! All I can say is that you certainly seem to be living up to your username--STRONG SARAH--and I wish you the stamina and courage to overcome these problems and burst out into the sunshine on the other side of this dark place! You're in my thoughts, and I wish you peace!
    2356 days ago
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    I am really sorry Sarah. The picture on your background is worth 1,000 words!
    Depression can take time, especially if your husband didn't get help quickly. Things will improve though, and I really hope it will be quickly for your sake and his! Take good care of yourself!!!
    2356 days ago
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