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All I See Is Fat ... All I Feel is Tired

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

I committed to making a new entry every Wednesday, but I failed to write last Wednesday's entry. This is a make-up session.

This week had its ups and downs. I'm proud that I kept exercising, but I'm not so proud that I ate too many calories. And I binged tonight.

Last Tuesday, I made an excellent smoothie, consisting of coconut water, carrots, protein powder, and a granny smith apple. It was delicious, and I was so proud of myself that I texted a picture to my mom.

It was very hard to wake up for Wednesday's workout. I had about 7.5 hours of sleep, but I just could not get up on Wednesday morning. I took the usual Wednesday selfie, but I was NOT feeling it. It was a horrible picture -- I could see bulges and fat all over.

Frankly, I'm kind of disgusted with myself. I do not feel attractive at all. This weight gain does not feel like me! This is not who I am. I look in the mirror, and I look older than my twenties and fat and exhausted. I have been getting BACK PAIN from not exercising. I find myself wanting a seat on my public transit commute. My jeans, even my "fat day" ones DO NOT fit.

And I am always exhausted. I've been tracking my sleep, and I have been going to bed at better times, but my extra weight requires more rest time. This isn't who I am. I took a fitness class yesterday, and HATED it because it was a stations class. I hated that it was a stations class because that meant working together with the other people in my class, that meant that the class was a group effort, and therefore more people would notice and pay attention to me. As soon as I saw the instructor setting up different stages for different circuits, I immediately felt pissed because that meant that I couldn't hide in the back and do things at my own pace. I was so upset, because I couldn't just leave the class and I was trapped there for an hour.

I'm sure that the instructor, polite and professional that he was, assumed that I was some sort of fitness rookie with long-time extra pounds who decided to get fit. He smiled at me with pity and uttered generic phrases such as "That's great!" and "You've got it!" I was angry at myself because I only had myself to blame for this.

I was angry at myself because I let negative emotions and self-doubt and disappointment and anger and hurt feelings DOMINATE me for more than a year. I was angry at myself because I took a chance and decided to ignore logic for once and just do something because of feelings and that it didn't work out. I was angry at myself for being sad, and because I just couldn't get the hell over this sadness and move forward with my life. I'm angry because of my relapse of this eating disorder. I'm angry because I keep eating my feelings.

I went out last Friday and a stranger told me that I was stunningly beautiful, then promptly assumed that I had low self-esteem. I am angry because he was right.

I got more than eight hours of sleep last night, and I am still so exhausted.

Due to a stupid clerical error, I just found out that I've been overpaid on my pay checks for my new job and I am pissed at myself for not noticing. I feel like such an idiot for not paying more attention to my pay stubs (the downside of Autopay). I absolutely HATE HATE owing money (my only debt is a small student loan), and now I have to crunch numbers to figure out how to pay the money back stat.

Ahhh...the past week has been so hard! And tomorrow's going to get harder because it's 11:47pm, and I need to get to sleep for work tomorrow.

My bad days are extra bad. But ever since I was a child, living in poverty, I would write and write. Write through the angry tears, and through the disappointment. It comforted me. I binge eat for comfort. But I can't do that anymore. A 6,000-calorie episode is a problem, and I need to find a better way to control these episodes. I'm making an effort to make Wednesday blog posts a habit. So I will keep writing, because I know that like before, it will eventually bring me comfort.

Thank you for listening.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo CD10748384
    1591 days ago
  • VEG954
    1915 days ago
  • CIPHER1971
    It was hard to wake up for your workout, but you did, it was hard to not be able to hide but you stuck out the class - you chose to make yourself healthier that is always a good choice.

    I understand that you are angry (mostly at yourself), but you can and you will do it.

    Have a great day
    2138 days ago
    2138 days ago
    First...take the compliments and the coaching for what they are. My blog usually consists of just quotes right now because I know how powerful the mind can be and if I'm my thinking is positive, how I feel about what others say is more positive. It helps to reduce the stress we impose on ourselves.

    Second, emoticon with sticking it out on the station workout emoticon Give yourself a hug. Sometimes workouts I usually love is simply a workout, and I'm grateful for taking the stance to JUST DO IT! as opposed to doing nothing. emoticon emoticon

    And lastly, thanks for delicious sounding smoothie recipe. I don't work enough with either coconut water or carrots. I've added it to my list of new recipes to try. emoticon
    2143 days ago
  • MIRAGE727
    Each of us has our own challenges! We need to focus on Positive Waves. I can say this as I was 100 pounds obese at one time! Today, after all I've accomplished, I still have to take everything day by day. I found that focusing on the overcoming the challenge at hand is good for me! I really couldn't care about what anyone around me thinks. I focus on working on me!
    I envy you as you have your whole life ahead of you! Make your future! Show what you have inside! Know you have the power to be the best you can be! Let Yourself Shine!
    2144 days ago
  • no profile photo CD13376265
    Keep blogging! It really helps! emoticon
    2144 days ago
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