So it was only just Friday when I posted that blog about how others see us vs. how we see ourselves... and how we are so much harder on ourselves than we are on our friends, loved ones, or even strangers! I was really learning from that and working on loving myself, and accepting certain flaws... or at the very least, not pointing them out to everyone that was willing to listen.
But I posted a status update yesterday that read like this:
My self esteem got kicked in the gut literally! Nothing like seeing your pics and finding one where it looks like you're sporting a baby bump. PMS isn't helping things. :(
I will like to say that the PMS and the hormones were really flowing... and that didn't help things. But it reminded me that even though I've taken a lot of steps in the right direction with being kinder to myself, I am not completely out of the woods yet. I got some very sweet comments, and you all are always so supportive it's great! Some even mentioned that I didn't look pregnant in the photos... well the thing is, I didn't post the photo I was talking about. It's on my facebook... but I had thought about deleting it.
I think the biggest shocker was, I was pretty accepting of most of the other photos... and I didn't really talk a long hard look at it initially, but later on I was like "OMG, I look like I'm pregnant with Daryl Dixon Jr.!" The angle and everything about it screamed baby bump to me. But the thing of it is, I felt so good that day. My shirt was a little out of my comfort zone with the fit, but it was The Walking Dead Tshirt and I was dying to wear it to Universal and I was bound and determined if anything was going to stop me.
No one looked at me weird all night, their were people twice my size there (no judgement here), and everyone was having a good time. In fact, I was so free and fun nothing could bring me down! I was cracking jokes, I almost hugged one of the scare actors... he came right up to me stopped right in front of me which forced me to stop walking and raised his arms up. I thought he wanted a hug, so as I put my arms near him touching his jacket, he snarled and ran away. I guess I misread the signals.
But if you don't want me to hug you then don't get right up on me and put your arms in the international hug symbol.
They had a DJ for one of the looooooooooooooooooooong lines and I wasn't dancing like it was a club, but I would wave my hands in the air at certain parts or sing along or even wiggle a little bit and I didn't care. My uncle and brother laughed at me which didn't bother me... but here's the best part. IF anyone else in that place gave me a weird or dirty look, I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE! I never once cared "what if someone is looking at me?" In fact, if I knew someone found me odd, I probably would have done it even more.
So it's funny to think that I was brave and strong enough not to care what anyone else thought of me, but then I decided to be negative towards myself... crazy now that I think about it.
So I think that the hormonal roller coaster that comes with being a girl made the "pregnant picture reaction" even worse... but I will be honest to say that I am guilty! I am guilty of being too hard on myself, even when I try to remind everyone else not to be. Oh the irony!
So I'm going to keep working at it, and continue to get better at it! I also don't think that it's any coincidence that I have had 2 bad eating days after this event. I really need to get it together, stats for my game are now 6/9!
Anywhosies, since I'm guilty as charged, I will submit my evidence. Exhibits A-I are the fun awesome pics that reminded me of a good time I had, and Exhibit J is the one that managed to kick me while I was down.
Exhibit : J