This is totally one of this ridiculous "non problem problems"!
I have been thinking a lot about everything. How I am still up 8ish pounds from my lowest weight... That I am still almost 30 pounds away from my goal weight and I was trying to really figure some things out. Before I think I was scared of the success... I think I'm to a point now where I'm not really scared and I'm definitely not self sabotaging as much, which is a huge step in the right direction! But there is obviously something keeping me around this weight for a year. I know part of it is lack of focus, I get really focused, drop 10 pounds. slack off, eat too much and gain it back. Sounds like a ridiculous cycle, and it pretty much is... but here is what I figured out about how I feel right now...
Okay, so that sounds awful, but it's how I feel! I am not at my goal, but I am a happy girl lately! I am getting out and having fun, I am enjoying places like Disneyland and the Zoo that I avoided for years because I weighed 90 pounds more than I do today and walking took such a physical toll on my body. I can do so much, and while I am still overweight, I can walk miles with ease, I can fit into all the rides at Disneyland and I feel confident in doing so! I even have my trip to Florida in November, and I've never traveled anywhere past Vegas. The idea of flying as an obese person sounded like so much work, and it held me back. Now I will have finally made it to the east coast and that is exciting!
In fact, I feel so confident that I bought tickets to Luke Bryan, well actually, I bought 1 ticket! I am going alone! I could have had someone go with me, but I would have had to buy nosebleed tickets for the same price as the good seat. So I got 1 ticket, and it's seat 1 which means it's an isle seat. A few months ago I was stressing about who was going to go with me to a concert, and now I have chosen to go alone. I also plan to head to Disneyland and the Zoo by myself. I was always so self conscious going places that I needed someone with me, but now I am confident enough to go by myself, and in some cases it might be even more fun. For example: Single rider lines at Disneyland are way shorter than the regular lines, BOOYAH! Better seat at a concert because it's 1 seat, SCORE!
With that said, I am not done with weight loss. When I told someone the other day I still had the last 30 pounds to go, they very sweetly said "You can do it! But even if you never lose another pound, you have accomplished SO much, and you should be proud! You look great and have come so far!"
I graciously accepted such a wonderful compliment, but in my mind I thought to myself "I want to lose the last 30 pounds, I don't want to settle." So I know the desire is there, I want to accomplish my goals, which includes goal weight, maintenance, tummy tuck and life long maintenance. I am not going to short change myself after coming this far. But on the flip side of that, it's nice to feel like I have accomplished something great. It feels good to be proud and confident and to be out enjoying life instead of hiding at home because I'm ashamed of my weight.
So that is the problem...
Trying to find the balance between being proud and enjoying things how they are now, but wanting to push myself that much farther to achieve the rest of my goals. I think when I was obese and truly miserable, there was this drive to lose the weight to become happier and to feel better physically... now that I've achieved that there is no desperation to get the rest of this weight off.
So as I said, it's a non problem problem and I am enjoying life and everything it has to offer! But I do have plans to go all the way and finish what I started. It is just clearly taking a lot longer than I hoped.