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Sunday, August 31, 2014

Summer was slow. In a slow kind of way… emoticon

In my last blog i talked about having gained a few pounds over the exam period (which was ok) and that I was reluctant to step on the scale to find out the size of the damage done… I’d said I’d prefer to weigh in after a few weeks when I knew I’d be slimmer…

Well my clothes weren’t as comfortable. And hesitant as I was, I was talked into stepping on the scale by my sis (love you sis). Well, BUMMER. I was back to some 105 kgs (232 pounds). Which was. ULTIMATE. and. ABSOLUTE. H O R R O R .

Let me give you the stats:

Jan 2014: 103.5 kgs

Jun 2014: 95 kgs

Which means that 2014 “almost didn’t existed”- weight loss wise. I’ve already been frustrated over my slow progress (thank you for that Hashimoto’s thyroiditis) and that gain was like the icing on the cake. And please note that though I didn’t do much exercise during summer (i’m really not a warm weather person), my diet has been good, though not excellent.

Anyway, that weigh in was like a week ago. After the initial shock and disappointment, I pulled myself together, pat myself on the back and reminded me: “dear Joanne! How many times have you been where you are now? And just how many times have you made it back down and then down some more? Let alone, this used to be your previous lowest weight! My girl, your diet pretty much rocks, you’re fit, you’re light (strange thing: i used to feel heavy after putting back weight. not this time! emoticon- guess this is my "slimmest" overweight version emoticon hehe ; emoticon good girl Joanne! ) despite the gain and you’re not entirely to blame for this setback. What are you, some goofy weight loss rookie? You're a freakin' veteran! Devoted and decorated! emoticon Just do what needs to be done and build some dilligence!”

And so I did. And as of yesterday, I’m back to Jan 2014 weight, which is 103.5 kgs. I’m still kinda frustrated, but I’ve found some precious motivation. I really want to join a gym this month and speed up my weight loss.

I also need to have some bloodtests to see just how off track my thyroid is. Depression’s been giving me a rough time all summer long, but I’m still there (i think) trying to function as normally as possible. Some days are worst than others. I’m staying with my family at least up until Christmas and then I maybe move to Athens once again. I have zero faith in myself about making it work while living alone. But they re-assured me they’ll be on my side no matter what. For September, I’m only having 1 class to be examined for. It’s still a lot for me, though way less than what I planned.

I just wish I wasn’t feeling so alone in this all the time… I feel that nobody feels me, nobody gets it. And I’m just too tired to try explain it to them. I just don’t know where to start.

My sister tries to get me a bit socialized. I don’t have any friends and I have been this way for years. This is our 2nd night out in 2 weeks. People still bore me, but it’s not all bad. I try to keep an open mind and not reveal too much. It’s funny how I was always looking for deeper communication with human beings and how eager I was to tell my story and hear theirs…. And how terrified I am now to touch that territory.

I so wish I was more like other 20 year old girls. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll be one of those people who die alone in their appartments and noone takes notice until their corpses start to smell, like a month later.

I’m sorry for making you read that. I just needed to somehow speak that fear of mine.

So, steady. One bite at a time.

Thank you for reading!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    PS I think it is fine to not be like other 20 years olds. Many 20 years olds I know are nitwits! So don't be like them! LOL.
    I'm sorry to hear you feel so alone though. It need not be so that you will be one of those corpses. At all. Life may surprise you yet.

    I often tell my husband that I wish that I could go back to my 20 year old self (I am 50 now) and tell her a few things. I would tell her to start taking a 30 minute walk every day, make that into a secure habit. And to just make sure to get in 3 to 5 servings of vegetables daily. AND NOT CARE SO MUCH about what other people say and do and think! And be me, and do things I like to do.
    No idea if those words are useful for you but, here they are.
    1772 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/30/2015 2:14:12 PM
    Also if the weight loss did not stay, I bet you still learned a lot of new things.

    1772 days ago
  • GORDON66
    As a member of SparkPeople, you are never alone.
    2127 days ago
    Thank you all for your support. I shall be fine when there are so many people willing to be there for me. Thank you!
    2130 days ago
    You are not alone. I am good at isolating myself when I am not feeling like i want to be around others. I find though, that those times are prob the very ones I should be making more contact then. The background on my page says "let your faith be bigger than your fears." I have a lot of fears too, and I am conquering some of them - but it takes time. I think we all have them to some extent.

    I am here for you if you need anything. I think you are wise beyond your years.

    2131 days ago
  • LE7_1234
    2131 days ago
    Keep going
    Things that are worth achieving are worth persevering for...
    2133 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    2135 days ago
    It is good to read your blog again. I am sorry to hear that you have been struggling with depression. Congrats on your success of reaching your January weight so quickly. Keep up the good work!
    2135 days ago
    I hope that you are in a better place soon. Don't lose sight of your goals. Change happens, not because you are always perfect, but because you never give up. emoticon
    2136 days ago
    My son use to say "DON"T GIVE UP!" Every day you have new choices to decide for the coming day. Just restart at emoticon for September and enjoy Labor Day!

    2136 days ago
  • KMW987
    I'm glad to hear you're getting yourself back on track with your weight loss journey.

    And please don't feel so alone. I've battled anxiety & depression most of my life, so I can relate. Be thankful you have your family's support and that you're close to your sister! I never had that....But anyways, just try to focus on the present & take it one day at a time. Leave the past behind you and just keep moving forward. You CAN do this!

    2136 days ago
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    2136 days ago
    You have a beautiful way of expressing your thoughts Joanna, and I'm sure it will help you find friends. I can see a lot of myself in your story. Not having any friends, I have learned acceptance and gratitude for what I do have, a loving family and now, a wonderful supportive husband. And I'm sure along the way I will find some friends too, I just don't worry about it anymore.
    I love your attitude about weight loss; I too have gained some weight over the last couple of months, and I have hypothyroidism as well. We can do this! Determination and hard work, emoticon and if you ever need somebody to talk to, you can contact me any time. emoticon
    2136 days ago
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