Summer was slow. In a slow kind of way…
In my last blog i talked about having gained a few pounds over the exam period (which was ok) and that I was reluctant to step on the scale to find out the size of the damage done… I’d said I’d prefer to weigh in after a few weeks when I knew I’d be slimmer…
Well my clothes weren’t as comfortable. And hesitant as I was, I was talked into stepping on the scale by my sis (love you sis). Well, BUMMER. I was back to some 105 kgs (232 pounds). Which was. ULTIMATE. and. ABSOLUTE. H O R R O R .
Let me give you the stats:
Jan 2014: 103.5 kgs
Jun 2014: 95 kgs
Which means that 2014 “almost didn’t existed”- weight loss wise. I’ve already been frustrated over my slow progress (thank you for that Hashimoto’s thyroiditis) and that gain was like the icing on the cake. And please note that though I didn’t do much exercise during summer (i’m really not a warm weather person), my diet has been good, though not excellent.
Anyway, that weigh in was like a week ago. After the initial shock and disappointment, I pulled myself together, pat myself on the back and reminded me: “dear Joanne! How many times have you been where you are now? And just how many times have you made it back down and then down some more? Let alone, this used to be your previous lowest weight! My girl, your diet pretty much rocks, you’re fit, you’re light (strange thing: i used to feel heavy after putting back weight. not this time!
- guess this is my "slimmest" overweight version
good girl Joanne! ) despite the gain and you’re not entirely to blame for this setback. What are you, some goofy weight loss rookie? You're a freakin' veteran! Devoted and decorated!
Just do what needs to be done and build some dilligence!”
And so I did. And as of yesterday, I’m back to Jan 2014 weight, which is 103.5 kgs. I’m still kinda frustrated, but I’ve found some precious motivation. I really want to join a gym this month and speed up my weight loss.
I also need to have some bloodtests to see just how off track my thyroid is. Depression’s been giving me a rough time all summer long, but I’m still there (i think) trying to function as normally as possible. Some days are worst than others. I’m staying with my family at least up until Christmas and then I maybe move to Athens once again. I have zero faith in myself about making it work while living alone. But they re-assured me they’ll be on my side no matter what. For September, I’m only having 1 class to be examined for. It’s still a lot for me, though way less than what I planned.
I just wish I wasn’t feeling so alone in this all the time… I feel that nobody feels me, nobody gets it. And I’m just too tired to try explain it to them. I just don’t know where to start.
My sister tries to get me a bit socialized. I don’t have any friends and I have been this way for years. This is our 2nd night out in 2 weeks. People still bore me, but it’s not all bad. I try to keep an open mind and not reveal too much. It’s funny how I was always looking for deeper communication with human beings and how eager I was to tell my story and hear theirs…. And how terrified I am now to touch that territory.
I so wish I was more like other 20 year old girls. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll be one of those people who die alone in their appartments and noone takes notice until their corpses start to smell, like a month later.
I’m sorry for making you read that. I just needed to somehow speak that fear of mine.
So, steady. One bite at a time.
Thank you for reading!