left, right... left, right, left.... more self talk
Tuesday, August 05, 2014
Can you hear the drill sergeant calling it out? Me too. I am marching to the cadence. One foot in front of the other.
I am just not feeling it today. I don't wanna. Maybe I don't wanna because I have had a less than stellar week adhering to my eating/exercise plan. Maybe I don't wanna because I haven't in some areas. Maybe I really am tired and need to slow up a bit. Maybe I am just being a slacker and need to dig deeper. I honestly don't know. I just know that I am NOT feeling it. I also know I am able. I just don't wanna.
However, I am. I am marching. One foot in front of the other. Got 3.5 miles on the treadmill this morning, even though I wanted to stop after one tenth. I talked myself through every one hundred steps. "Just do one hundred more and if you still want to quit Barb, you can." "Quit? Uh, that is not acceptable. You are not a quitter. You have come too far to quit." It worked until I had to quit to get ready for work.
My walking buddies at work encouraged me to walk with them - so I did. I wanted to say no, I'd rather sit in the lunchroom and watch tv - but I did it. I didn't want to.
I ate a healthy lunch. I ate a healthy breakfast. I am on track. I have a healthy dinner planned.
I'd love to say that by just putting one foot in front of the other I found some momentum and motivation - I haven't.
I keep listening to the drill sergeant in my head and going through the motions. Somewhere, somehow while doing this I will find my spark again. I know if I quit - the spark will go out.
I know if I quit that 7 on the scale that became an 8 will become a 9 and then back to 200.
I know that those smaller clothes I am buying will become too small and get shoved back into the corner of my closet only to remind me of my failure.
I know that the good feeling I had a couple weeks ago will not return - what will return is shortness of breath when climbing stairs, the pinching of skin when I bend over to tie my shoes, even more achey knees.
I know when I look in the mirror and normally say "I love you, you rock" I won't believe it.
I know I will never complete my virtual walk to Arizona!
What? That is just not acceptable! I am in the great state of Kansas! 685 miles from home in Michigan where I started on May 1.
And I kinda like being able to tie my shoes and climb stairs. I am grateful my knees don't hurt like they used to (unless I put in a killer workout), I like my new clothes and remember how difficult it was trying to find things to fit! I don't want to see those other numbers on the scale! I want to get out of the obese category and become just plain ol' overweight - and even better - a healthy weight.
So, I keep going one foot in front of the other. Even though I am not feeling it right now - because I know this is the direction I want to go! I know my goal is just not clearly in my sight right now - but I believe it is out there, just around a bend in the road. I am not going to get sidetracked and take some shortcut to nowhere.
There is a poem that they say was found in a concentration camp after WWII - "I believe in the sun, even when it is not shining. I believe in love, even when there's no one there. I believe in God, even when he is silent. I believe through any trial there is always a way."
There is ALWAYS a way! Onward towards my goal. Come on self, get on board! You CAN do this Barb. You WILL do this Barb.