I am coming to you LIVE, just moments after I had a surprise attack from the Binge Monster!
I will say it was a battle, and he was winning, boy was he winning! But I managed to stop myself mid attack. That is not usually something I can do! Here's the scoop...
Today was a pretty stressful day. I will spare you all the details but I really really felt the need to stress eat. Not only that, but being on the "Carb Nite plan" that I am on, I was specifically craving carbs. You see, my inner brat
wanted pizza at work the other day, but couldn't have it because of this "stupid Carb thing". (That's why my inner brat called it anyways). I wanted to quit the carb plan and cut loose that day, but I held strong.
Well that pizza craving stuck in my mind... and today at my parents they had left over pizza. Once the stress reached it's breaking point I ended up having 3 slices of pizza. So following this plan, I am supposed to now do the 10 day reorientation to get back on track. I was at a crossroads, I could do the 10 day reorientation phase and get back on track, or I could scrap the entire plan and go back to my calorie counting. I chose to start the reorientation tomorrow, WIN! Or so I thought.
But then something came over me, that all or nothing attitude. Let me tell you that NOTHING good comes from the all or nothing attitude. My inner brat started saying "If you have to go 10 day very low carb starting tomorrow, you better eat EVERYTHING today, because you won't be able to have it for the next 10 days! In fact, this is just the prime opportunity to try that Hella-peno burger you have been wanting to try from Jack In The Box."
I tried my best to shut the inner brat up, but he called his friend the Binge Monster. I can not lie to you, I LET HIM IN! I do not blame the Binge Monster, he can't help his Bingey ways, but I didn't have to let him in! But I did.
Next thing I know I was driving to Jack In The Box to get my "munchie meal". Let me tell you what comes in the meal. First off, it's a bargain at $6, it comes with a drink, 2 tacos, half curly and regular fries, and then the item of your choice. Mine was the "hellapeno burger". I knew it came with stuffed jalapeno poppers and actual jalapenos and I knew that I had wanted to try it.
The entire time ordering and stuff I didn't feel bad. But the very quick 5 minute drive home my conscience finally returned. I started to talk to myself (yes, like a crazy person
). Some of the things I said were the following:
"You are starting to sabotage yourself, things have been going so well and you are getting scared."
"You really don't want to eat like this."
"This is scary, these are the habits that got me so overweight in the first place."
I WISH that those realizations were enough to prevent me from eating the food, but unfortunately it wasn't enough.
I ate a taco, I ate some of the french fries. The hellapeno burger is apparently covered in nacho cheese. Super gross and greasy. I took a couple bites, ate the jalapeno poppers and the meat, and kept eating the fries. If that wasn't enough, I also ordered a 7 piece stuffed jalapenos on the side. I ate 4 of those stuffed jalapenos and really started to feel full, okay okay, DISGUSTINGLY full.
There was a brief moment where I thought about the $$ I would waste by throwing it away. Then I had the realization: The money was wasted the second I bought this stuff. Whether I eat the rest or not is irrelevant. Before I could change my mind I ran to the trash can and threw the rest away. "The rest" consisted of 3 jalapeno poppers, part of the french fries, 1 of the tacos and 85% of the bun and nacho cheese from the burger.
So instead of coming here completely embarrassed by my actions, I am coming to you with the view point that this is a very small victory! Wait wait wait! I know you are looking at me like how in the world is this a victory?! Do you realize how much you still ate?
But hear me out on this one...
Today I was able to stop mid "binge" if you will. That is not something that is easy for me to do. That all or nothing mentality makes it very easy for me to continue to eat until it's gone. So today I stopped myself when about half of the food was already gone. Maybe next time it'll stop after only a small amount of food is eaten, or I will only order a small amount of food. Maybe there will be some other time that I do not even get in the car to go at all! It's all about baby steps. My last fast food binge was after my dreaded "bod pod" results... I am a stress/comfort eater from way back, and I know that it's not going to just go away. But my coping skills can get better and better. So maybe next time I can stop myself before I even get in the car... my stomach would really thank me.
The other good news is, I WANT to get back on my Carb plan tomorrow. I am going to do the entire 10 days of reorientation, even though I'm leaving for Vegas on Thursday. I'm going to be careful. We have plans to go to the buffet once on Tuesday, so that fits perfectly with my 10 day reorientation, followed by my carb day which will be Tuesday. I wanted to give the carb plan at least 2 months, and I am going to follow through.
I learned a lot today.
#1 fast food tastes pretty gross now that I haven't had it very much.
#2 It's super greasy and the calorie amount is ridiculous.
#3. I don't miss it like I thought I did.
#4. I actually enjoy eating relatively healthy, and my stomach agrees.
#5. It is never too late to change your mind, turn it around and do better!
#6. It NEVER has to be "all or nothing". Each day, each meal, each BITE is a decision, and we can always make a better decision!
This was definitely a red flag, that as I am getting closer to my goals, closer to new territories (170s) and closer to the 100 pounds lost mark, my mind is going to start messing with me. I need to be prepared, and I need to stay focused. Some days I feel so unstoppable, but I have to remember I am stoppable if I make the wrong decisions.